


Broken English

by wordwinx



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-16
Updated: 2012-11-04
Packaged: 2017-10-29 15:36:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 64,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/321446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordwinx/pseuds/wordwinx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam's family is hosting a foreign exchange student, Sauli.  It was just the kind of distraction that Adam didn't want his senior year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I used a few names commonly associated with Adam's fandom with the intent of providing established personality traits. However, they and all the other original characters are completely fictional existing only in my imagination.
> 
> *There are more chapters coming.

Adam sang to himself. He hummed parts just to get a feel for the arrangement. He held the music with one hand and put his finger in his ear with the other. It was noisy. The rain poured causing a sound more like a machine running than nature herself. The cheer squad, usually outdoors, had to practice in the auxiliary gym due to the downpour. The boys’ basketball team had the main gym, as always. The real conflict occurred because the set director needed to assemble a platform on the main stage instead of the parking lot, so the thespians were blocking scenes on the upper level mezzanine. Adam’s concentration was interrupted by the staccato claps and shouts of the cheerleaders which would have irritated him beyond tolerance if it weren’t for Sauli. Sauli was laughing just that moment. He glanced up and Adam was smiling at him. Sauli moved away from the girls and stutter-stepped a short run into a round off back handspring. Adam gave him an ‘oh wow’ face and a thumbs up. He’d actually seen him do it about a thousand times, but shit like that doesn’t get old.

“Adam!” Mrs. Cherry’s student assistant, Perry, wore his authority hat too tight. He was handpicked by the assistant principal who happened to be banging Perry’s mom. What can you do? He did the job. He was a douche, but he did the job. Mrs. Cherry chose her battles.

Adam was irritated. “What?!”

“Get over here already.” Perry clapped ‘chop chop’ at him. Adam glowered him into a swift submission, but he went where he was told.

“Walk here . . . stand there . . . hold this . . . fuck you . . .” Adam was muttering louder than he thought.

“Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, big guy.” Tommy batted his thick black lashes from under a swoop of long bleached bangs.

Adam feigned disgust and huffed, “You’re such a slut.”

Tommy glanced down at Adam’s fly. “You’re such a mutant.”

Adam chuckled naughtily. “Few have seen and lived to tell . . .”

Tommy wrote it on an imaginary marquee. “The Legend of Adam’s Dick.”

Out of nowhere Ali nearly bowled them over. Adam absorbed her charge and dipped her tango style. She squealed with delight. “What are you two talking about?”

Tommy whispered, “It’s a long story . . . a really BIG, long story.”

Perry dropped his clipboard, and Adam jumped. “This is ridiculous. I can’t even hear myself fart.”

Mrs. Cherry had worried her hair into a loose bun. She was noticeably frazzled by the makeshift circumstances. She made her way over to Adam’s trio. “Okay, you guys will enter from stage left turn at the quarter mark and face downstage.”

Ali looked confused. “Where’s the quarter mark up here?” Their native land, the main stage, had tape on the floor for casual participants who hadn’t already memorized stage placement in their sleep.

Tommy interjected. “Just align yourself halfway between the free throw line and the top of the key.”  
Ali looked at Tommy like he was speaking Chinese, and Adam smirked. “Jock.”

Tommy pouted. “Diva.”

A group of basketball players entered the gym and started running lay-ups. Apparently the main gym was not enough space for all that testosterone. Mrs. Cherry put her hands on her hips and looked to the ceiling for an explanation. Finally, she managed to get everyone fidgeting within the approximate zone of their substitute stage. “Okay, Adam. Start with the second chorus, third bar, and let ‘er rip.”

Adam immediately expanded in a way no one was able to describe. Tommy and Ali stepped back a pace to make room for the voice. Starting in the middle of a chord progression, Adam hit the first note pitch perfect and proceeded to blow the roof off. Sometimes he closed his eyes and touched his stomach summoning the subtle nuance of each phrase from somewhere inside his core. He sang above the chaos at performance volume unwilling to let anything stifle him. Even the rain hushed and let Adam have the floor. Mrs. Cherry called from the opposite side. “Adam! ADAM! Stop there a minute. I have to take this. She opened her phone and stepped into the front lobby.”

Adam gulped, let the lyric die mid-sentence and shrugged. Tommy shook his head. “Show-off.”

“Delinquent.”

“Uh-oh.” Ali was looking down on the court, and Adam followed her gaze. Sauli was as taut as a bowstring, and the cheerleaders were looking around nervously for a teacher, coach, anyone. Somehow Adam could tell from the back of Sauli’s head that he was angry. He dropped his music and clambered down the steps, but he wasn’t sure what to do once he got there. A crowd of gawkers had gathered.

Sauli growled. “You’re a fucking asshole.”

A basketball player backed by his teammates retorted, “I bet you love fucking assholes.”

Sauli’s jaw jutted forward, and he grabbed his crotch. “I bet you’d beg like a whore for it.”

Chase turned nearly purple, and everyone’s eyes were glued on him in fascination. Who doesn’t want to find out if spontaneous combustion is a real phenomenon? “Chase, back the fuck up!” A tall boy busted through the crowd just as Adam arrived. It was thankfully a familiar face. David and Adam had been neighbors in elementary. He was one of the first boys to come over and play on a regular basis. They became fast friends the middle of 2nd grade when they realized both their families celebrated Hanukkah unlike the other 98% of their class. David moved to a new district after 5th grade. He went to middle school elsewhere. When they reunited again in high school, too much time had passed. Adam was into art, music, and theater. David played three seasons of sports. “If you get suspended off the team before Friday, I will personally kick your ass!” Sauli mumbled something in Finnish, but Chase lunged anyway now that David had gotten a good hold on him. “Stop it, goddammit! Adam, can you get him out of here?”

“Come on, Sauli.” Adam tried to take Sauli by the elbow, but Sauli jerked free then looked with remorse over his shoulder still too anxious to be touched. Adam walked him to the edge of the gymnasium, but he couldn’t leave play practice yet. “Are you okay?” Sauli gave him a short nod, but his jaw was still clenched and his nose flared. Adam had never known Sauli this angry. “What brought this on?”

“Nothing. Forget it.”

“What’s the matter with you?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me!” Sauli turned his frustration on Adam. “Just leave me alone.” Adam wondered how he had become the bad guy. He backed away. “All right, fine.” Sauli took the steps two at a time and kept going onto the grassy fields beyond the backdoors. It had stopped raining.

“Just let him go.” It was Megan, the cheer captain and former girlfriend of the now notorious Chase.

“What happened, Megan?” By this time, David had joined them having been unable to get a reliable comment from Chase himself. “Chase won’t admit to anything. He says Sauli’s crazy and freaked out for no good reason.”

“It was stupid. Chase came up and was cat calling like he always does, said ‘hi girls’ even at Sauli. He said something I didn’t catch about you guys practicing.”

“About us up there?” Adam indicated the mezzanine as if that were incredibly hard to believe.

“Yeah. Sauli must have heard him, though, coz he got really red. Then Bruce tried to smooth things over, said something about liking your voice, and Chase cut him off.”

Adam hated the part of himself that was desperate for praise especially from atypical sources like handsome basketball players named Bruce. “That’s what made Sauli mad?”

“Well, no, I don’t think so . . . not exactly.” She hesitated not wanting to repeat the worst of it.

David insisted. “Come on, Megan.”

“I don’t know what all Chase said.” Megan lowered her voice. “I heard ‘fucking faggot’.” Adam turned scarlet equally embarrassed and enraged. “Sauli was just defending you, Adam.”

David’s eyes bugged. “Yeah, okay thanks, Megan. You can go now.”

“Well, you asked me what he said.” Megan slunk away unsure what she had done wrong. Tommy was encouraging Adam to come back to practice, but David called after him.

“Hey, Adam, wait up.” Adam worked his mouth irritably. “You’re not going to say anything in the office are you? I mean there’s really nothing to report, right?”

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that. Don’t put this on me. It looked like he was seriously going to hurt Sauli.”

“Who Chase? No way. He’s a fuckin’ pussy. I’ve never seen him even throw a punch, like ever. He’s all talk.”

“But you came over to stop him.”

“No, I didn’t. I came over to SAVE him. You couldn’t see from where you were standing, but Sauli was the one who made a fist.” Adam was beginning to question his own morality when he noticed how incredibly turned on he was by Sauli’s volatile behavior apparently on his behalf.

“Listen, I don’t like the prick, but he’s fast on the court and a decent shooter. This game is a big deal for me. What do you say, Adam, for old time’s sake? Can you just let it slide?”

“I don’t know.”

“Look, I didn’t want to bring this up, but things could get a lot worse. The principal gets involved maybe a coach or two and pretty soon everyone is watching for somebody to screw up, and they almost always do. Sauli doesn’t seem the type to back away from a fight. He could be deported, you know?”

Adam felt his stomach churn. “What?”

Tommy called bullshit. “You don’t know that. I’ve never heard that.”

David shrugged. “Is it really worth the risk to find out?”

“All right, I won’t go to the office, but if I see Chase anywhere near Sauli, the deal’s off.”

David was relieved. “Thanks. I owe you, man.” He jogged away. Bruce had waited for him, probably to show he wasn’t supporting Chase on this. He nodded at Adam and gave him a weak smile.

Adam thought to himself that they were all cowards, every last one. Adam couldn’t focus, and Mrs. Cherry had had enough with the distractions. Two girls in the chorus were adamantly negotiating for solos. She had no idea what had happened on the court during her phone call, but enough was enough. They wrapped it up early.

Adam had a feeling he knew where Sauli would be. He found him running the track. Sauli had been jogging every day, building endurance for try outs in the track and field events in the coming spring. Sauli was training to compete. Adam approached slowly not wanting to spook him into disappearing in case he was still upset. Adam remembered when Sauli had suffered his first bout of homesickness. He hadn’t been there long, only a month or so into school when Adam heard him crying in the guest room. He wasn’t sure if he should impose, but Adam had already become so fond, it truly hurt him to know Sauli was sad. He knocked, and Sauli had tried to hide his tears. He explained only vaguely that he missed his family. Adam didn’t press for details. He just sat on the bed to give Sauli a supportive hug. Then, Sauli had done the strangest thing. He put his hand in Adam’s and laced their fingers together. That single gesture of deep affection lingered with Adam still. Adam had learned to restrain himself from overreacting to both good and bad things that came his way. Burning a disc of soothing music for Sauli seemed like a rational gift with no pressure attached. Adam had several ‘mood music’ mixes that he frequently relied on to get by. Sauli hesitantly thanked him making Adam feel awkward like he had crossed a line. It wasn’t until he noticed Sauli listening to it often that he realized Sauli treasured it. He asked Adam what the fourth track was. Adam explained it was a home recording of him singing Mad World while Neil played accompaniment on piano. They performed it for family members last winter when everyone was over for the holidays. All Sauli said was that he really liked it, but he didn’t look away until Adam looked back. Adam abated the stress of midterms on that single moment alone. He couldn’t have known then how important an outside perspective could be for his future.

Adam hadn’t been thrilled by the prospect of hosting a foreign exchange student his senior year. His parents may have thought it would be a good experience for Adam’s younger brother, Neil. For Adam, it seemed like an unnecessary distraction from the key focus that it was Adam’s fucking senior year . . . the culminating event, the climax, finally the period at the end of this 12 year sentence! He had a right to be selfish. His feelings changed immediately when he actually met Sauli in the airport the first day. He was so . . . sunny is the only word for it. Sauli smiled wide and hugged tight. His laughter was effortless, his gratitude genuine. Just when Adam was willing to admit to himself he had been wrong, Sauli became the kind of distraction he hadn’t anticipated. He was attracted. Those first couple of weeks before school started, Adam studied the young man. The tousle of blond curls framing clear skin and bright blue eyes seemed unfair, almost too pretty. And, he was so nice . . . polite, gentle, funny, and just really, really nice. It was as if Adam’s entire family was revived. They sampled the local SoCal entertainment: San Diego Zoo, Seaworld, and Disney Land. Sauli was delightful like a child. These tired old attractions seemed new. It made Adam feel young too. It wasn’t until later, that Adam’s parents took him, Neil, and Sauli to San Francisco and Muir Woods to see the redwoods over Labor Day weekend. Without thrill rides and merriment, Sauli was much more mature. Still, Sauli maintained the innocent aspect of wonderment. His eyes were wide open wanting to take everything in. Sauli would stop sometimes and just look, his mind far away. Maybe there was something about Sauli just under the surface that had yet to be revealed. Adam would find him leaning on a fence or pointing at something Adam had missed. When the light filtered through the giant trees and hit him just right, he seemed to be glowing. He was a walking photo shoot, sexy without meaning to be. Sauli caught Adam staring on more than one occasion, but he didn’t appear bothered by it at all. Adam wondered how he would be able to manage his sanity with this beautiful boy sleeping under his roof for the next ten months. Once school got underway, Adam’s worries proved unfounded. Adam scolded himself for believing Sauli would intrude, becoming part of his circle. Someone like Sauli . . . why would he limit himself like that? In a school of nearly 2,000 students, there were entire days that went by when Adam didn’t see Sauli at all. Adam decided it was for the best to keep a safe distance.

A semester and a half had passed by. Now, on this dismal afternoon, he had to resolve a delicate conflict with this boy about whom Adam felt too much but knew too little. Adam lamented the puddled bleachers and eyed the sky. There was a respite from the deluge, but it looked like it was sure to rain again soon. Adam sought a retaining wall where he could lean and watch Sauli out of direct sight. Sauli had already established a pace. Occasionally he would drop his hand and shake from the shoulder as if he were casting away the stress in his muscles. It was rhythmic, a cadence. Adam sensed music in most things. It was thrilling to watch people who knew how to move. It didn’t matter if it was sports, or craftsmanship, military symmetry or dancing. There was a melody in the way girls flipped their hair and a bass line when smokers flicked ash. It was this ability to see elements of life as music that made Adam the powerfully emotive singer he was. He heard Sauli as woodwinds, a combination of whimsy and melancholy, always soulful. Adam liked Sauli’s song. As Sauli rounded the near bend, Adam came forward to stand on the side, but as Sauli approached, he didn’t slow down. He looked away as if Adam weren’t there and kept going. “Hey! Sauli?” Adam shook his head, okay then, if that’s how it was going to be, he’d just go after him. Even though Sauli didn’t alter his stride, it took Adam a moment to catch up. On rare occasions, Adam would take a morning jog in the neighborhood, but it wasn’t quite swimsuit season, so he put it off as long as possible. His feet would not cooperate for long. They finished a lap in silence. Then Adam said, “You’re killin’ me here. Can we please stop?” Sauli slowed to a halt and paced in wide circles to cool down. Adam bent over to catch his breath. Sauli stretched one hamstring and then the other. Adam admired how flexible Sauli was for a moment then started. “Listen . . .”

Sauli cut him off right away. “I don’t want to talk about what happened back there.”

Adam blinked, exasperated. He’d had enough drama. “Okay, we’ll talk about me then.” Sauli harrumphed knowing all too well how the conversation quickly turned to the subject of Adam in just about every situation imaginable when he was around. “I should have warned you before. I had a feeling this was going to happen eventually. In fact, I’m surprised you made it this long.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Unfortunately, I think you walked into my reputation. They have their opinions of me because I carry a messenger bag and do musicals. I guess it’s too easy to stereotype.”

“Really, your arrogance is unbelievable.”

“Hey, wait a minute . . .”

“This isn’t about you.”

It had started to rain pretty steadily again, and Adam’s attempt to be jovial fell flat. He wanted to just forget about it. “Look, I guess the cheerleading thing didn’t help your odds, but all I meant was, it must be pretty galling to be put in the position that you felt you had to defend me. That’s all.”

“Defend you?”

“Yeah, defend me. What is it with you? I’m trying to apologize.” By now he was blinking back the trickle of rainwater that dripped off his bangs.

Sauli’s tank top was sticking to him defining the muscles in his chest. He seemed more imposing than before. “My God, this country is so stupid?”

“So I’m responsible for the whole country now, too?!”

“Adam, no. I told you I didn’t want to talk about it. I cannot say what I mean. The words won’t come.” Adam gave him a second to think. Sauli was fluent in English, but he forgot sometimes that Sauli was at a significant disadvantage verbally when things got complicated. “Why do you have to apologize for that asshole?”

“Because that asshole called me a faggot!”

“Are you?” Adam started to back up, and Sauli followed him toward the retaining wall. “Well are you?” Adam was shocked that he had somehow stumbled head first into his greatest fear . . . Sauli taunting, rejecting, despising him like the others. “Do you like boys, Adam?” He now had Adam pinned up against the wall. The heat of his body pushed through the wet chill. Adam was too mortified to move. “Do you? Like boys?” Then he whispered. “Do you like me?” Adam felt only shock at first when Sauli pulled him into a passionate kiss. The urge to push him away was suppressed by the ache of raw need. Sauli licked into Adam’s mouth. Tiny sparks flashed behind Adam’s eyes and short-circuited his ability to reason that somehow this wasn’t right. All he felt was the impulse to kiss back. He gave it to Sauli all at once forcing his mouth wide open. Adam flipped places with Sauli and crushed him into the wall. The knuckles on the hand that held Sauli’s head scraped concrete block. They were drenched. Their clothes hung heavy and clumsy as their fingers sought bare skin. Adam was overwhelmed. He was too rough. “Let me go, Adam.” Sauli had to shove Adam away. “Let me GO!” Sauli ran back to the building, a frenzied overture of strings while Adam stood alone, beaten down by a requiem percussion of the rain.

Adam didn’t bother looking for Sauli again. He always had a ride. Adam dug for his keys and hissed at the sting of his scuffed knuckles. Thankfully, his belongings were tossed onto the passenger seat so he wouldn’t have to go back to the locker bay soaking wet. He shivered all the way home, then went straight to his room leaving his mom to call after him at the bottom of the stairs. “I have homework,” is all he had in answer to her curiosity. With dry clothes and the Best of Madonna on loop, Adam felt emotionally revived, at least enough to turn on his computer and stare at his textbook. This whole thing was Sauli’s issue not his. After all, Adam didn’t pick fights or practically rape unsuspecting victims on school grounds. That apparently had become Sauli’s MO. Well, fuck that and fuck him. Adam didn’t care if he did get deported . . . good riddance.

Sauli knocked softly on Adam’s door. “Adam?”

Adam’s heart began to pound. He was so fucking doomed. Somehow he managed to blurt out a noncommittal,“Yep?”

Sauli turned the latch carefully and entered. “May I come in?”

Adam glanced up from his desk seemingly attentive to his PC and totally unaffected. “Sure. I guess so.”

Sauli closed the door behind him. Adam’s stomach flipped when Sauli climbed onto Adam’s bed. Sauli wriggled onto his belly clutching Adam’s pillow under his chin. “I’m ready to talk about today.”

“Okay.”

“I want you to know that I am so sorry for how I acted. I won’t try to pick a fight or attack you again.”

Adam hoped Sauli wasn’t actually capable of reading his mind. “That’s a relief.”

“I want you to know that I appreciate you were there for me.”

It dawned on Adam that Sauli must have consulted a translation tool in order to say what he wanted. “You’re welcome. It was no big deal.”

Sauli looked away. He seemed to be debating whether to stop there or go on. “And, about the kiss.”

“It’s okay Sauli.”

“No. It’s not. I mean, I shouldn’t have kissed you. Not because I didn’t want to, it’s just . . .” The lines in Adam’s face were multiplying. “It’s just . . . I’m not sure why I did it.” Adam was deeply interested in what Sauli was saying, but the fact that Sauli was rubbing his lips on Adam’s pillow as if he were reliving their kiss made Adam go deaf for a moment. He adjusted himself in his chair. Sauli smiled so bashfully, Adam gasped but cleared his throat to hide it. “There’s something I have wanted to tell you. At first I was too afraid and then it seemed like the wrong time.” Adam swallowed. Sauli’s expression turned dreamy, and he clutched the pillow tighter as he raised up on his elbows to get nearer to Adam. He whispered. “I had a boyfriend in Helsinki.” Adam’s expression went blank as his brain tried to contemplate the co-existence of joy and devastation simultaneously. “It’s okay to tell you, right?”

Adam wasn’t certain he could make air come out so he nodded. “Mmm hmm.”

“Well, really there isn’t much to tell. My parents didn’t like him because he was a ‘bad boy’ . . . rough, you know, and impolite. He had trouble finding work and borrowed some money from me when his motorcycle broke down. We broke up last year then got back together then broke up again.” Sauli rolled his eyes. “We had a really big fight.”

Adam was sympathetic. “I understand.”

Sauli was back to rubbing the pillow for comfort. “It was awful. We couldn’t make it right again.”

“I’m sorry, Sauli. That’s too bad.”

Sauli’s eyes were shining. “I had to get away, you see? I applied to be a student here because Helsinki was too small. The world must be bigger. There must be more, right?”

“I hope so.”

Sauli was relieved. “I knew you would understand. When you held my hand the time I cried, I said I missed my family, and that wasn’t a lie, but it was him.” Sauli closed his eyes and shook his head. “I miss him.” Adam was dizzy with emotions. Sauli rolled over on his back and put his arms casually under his head. Adam looked him up and down. A sliver of tummy appeared above the waistband of Sauli’s pants. Tufts of blonde hair peaked out at the arms of his t-shirt. There was way too much pretty on the blanket where Adam dreamt of impossible things and touched himself at night. “Honestly, Adam, I don’t know if I kissed you because I was angry or because you were so nice, or because . . .” Sauli stretched until his back arched. “Or because I just need a really good fuck.”

Adam wondered if a person could die from over-engorgement in their lower extremities. He had to get up, but that was absolutely out of the question. His grip on the arms of his chair was leaving grooves in the meat of his palms. Sauli groaned. “Ugh, six months is a long time, right?”

Adam seemed surprised to hear himself speak. “Yeah, I guess so.”

When Adam didn’t say anything more, Sauli sat up and gave him an adorable wink. “What’s the longest you’ve gone without?” Adam couldn’t look away. After a moment too long, Sauli’s expression changed. “Oh . . .”

“Boys?! Dinner’s ready!” Adam swallowed his heart back down and rubbed his mouth.

From down the hall, Neil answered first. “COMING!! I got one more level!”

Sauli nudged Adam’s knee, but Adam swiveled his chair away. “Tell her I’ll be down in a minute. I want to finish this before I shut down.”

“Of course. I’m sorry I interrupted your homework.” Sauli moved swiftly off the bed. “Thank you for listening, Adam.” Sauli made a duck mouth with his hands. “I ramble on and on sometimes.”

“It’s okay.” Adam wanted Sauli to go and also to stay . . . so badly. “Sauli.” Sauli waited. Adam lost his nerve. “It was just a kiss.”

“Yes, I know.”

As soon as the door closed, Adam started shaking. It was just a kiss the way the Mona Lisa is just a painting. He palmed his dick under the desk. Maybe he could will away the raging bulge in his pants. He heard a knock down the hall. Sauli was making rounds. “Neil, open this door!”

“What do you want?”

“Your dinner’s going to get cold.”

“So?”

“So, your mother spent a long time making it just right, you ungrateful swine.”

“Piss off! I’m almost done.”

“If you’re not downstairs in five seconds, I’m going to spit in your drink.”

Adam could hear Neil stomping to the door. “Jesus, Sauli, you’re such a dork.” There was a huff and minor scuffle. “Ow, dammit, Sauli, let me go.” Adam was amused now. He’d be all right in a minute. Nothing could kill a boner like a snot-nosed little brother.

“Not until you say, ‘Mom it smells delicious!’ like a dutiful son.”

“I’m not saying that!”

“Then I’m going to drag you by the head all the way.” Adam could hear them scuffling again and giggling. He stood and straightened the covers on the bed, smoothing the indention where Sauli had lain. Adam suspected he had been in love with him all along.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam loved to talk. In fact it was his second favorite thing to do.

Adam and Sauli were opposite each other at dinner. Neil always sat beside Sauli attempting to camouflage his worship with annoying table manners. He managed to keep it crude enough to get a scowl from his mother but just shy of getting an all out dismissal. It had become rather routine. If Adam and Neil needed no referee, their parents Leila and Eber could be counted on to work into the conversation some light interrogation about the boys’ classes and friends at school. Tonight it was quieter than usual. The rain continued reflecting Adam’s mood. Great drops united sending quick rivulets down the glass of the patio doors as if the panes were cracking then sealing again, spontaneous wounds that healed themselves.

Leila clamped her lips together when she noticed Adam’s knuckles were hurt. She looked at Neil, then nudged Eber. He saw it too and suddenly cleared his throat. “What happened to your hand, Adam?”

Sauli swallowed loudly as Adam examined the damage. He had forgotten about it. “It’s nothing.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing. I hear you and David Bergman got in a fight at school today.”

Adam shot a murderous glance at Neil. Neil seemed famished all of a sudden as if the broccoli on his plate was his first food in days. “No, I didn’t get in a fight. There’s this guy at school with a big mouth who . . .”

Sauli interrupted. “It wasn’t Adam. It was me. I was at cheer practice and a basketball player said . . . something rude. I lost my temper.”

“Did you hit him?” A dad has to know for several reasons.

“No, Adam stopped me.”

Leila spoke up because moms have to ask. “Did someone tell the principal or a coach or somebody? Evidently you had an audience.”

Adam looked at Neil as if to say, see what you did? “Mom, we worked it out. It’s over with. Nothing actually happened. Just let it go.” The silverware continued a conversation with the plates.

Leila changed the subject. “How was play practice?”

“Fine.” Adam had lost his appetite. “They were blocking today. I don’t have a lot of moves . . . just shut up and sing.”

“He sounded so amazing!” Adam could feel Sauli’s eyes on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge that sunny smile.

“Wait, you two were together?” Eber’s wheels were turning. “How does that work?”

When Adam remained silent, Sauli offered an explanation. “Everyone was in the gymnasium because of the rain.” Adam figured he must be up for most well-adjusted international guest of the year with this one. “Guess what? I’m trying out for track.”

“Oh how nice, Sauli. It’s great to see you getting so involved.” Leila looked at Eber wanting him to say something.

“Too bad there isn’t a boxing program.”

Adam was not amused. “Wow, Dad. You’re hilarious.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam’s mood didn’t lift until much later. Neil was already in bed. He balked about having a regimented bedtime, but as an early riser, he wasn’t awake beyond 9:30 even on the weekends. Leila had turned in around ten to read a few chapters before she fell asleep. Eber always seemed to resist wandering upstairs as if he were giving the day every last opportunity to mean something. Sometimes he and Adam would watch TV together, but they rarely shared an interest in programming. Even their tastes in music were beginning to polarize them. Adam knew his dad was trying to build a stronger relationship, but the truth was, at this point in their lives, they simply didn’t click. Adam had a feeling their next heart to heart would involve him confirming his identity, and he simply wasn’t ready yet.

“Don’t stay up too late, boys.”

“N’kay.”

“Goodnight.”

Adam and Sauli were alone watching a marathon of sit-coms on syndication. TV was Sauli’s favorite cultural classroom. Adam had feared at first that things would be awkward after their dramatic afternoon. Instead, it felt really good. They sat on the couch with the far lamp on its lowest setting. Sauli would ask Adam about something he missed in the dialogue, and Adam would get to enjoy it all over again when Sauli finally got it. So much can be resolved with laughter. Sauli got up during a commercial he’d already memorized. “I’m going to get something to drink. Do you want one?”

“Sure. Whatever is fine.” Sauli was gone long enough for Adam to wonder if he should have helped. Sauli stepped sideways trying not to bump the coffee table. “Here.”

“What’s this?”

“Banana/Mango Smoothie.”

“Where did it come from?

“I picked it up at the grocery store, and your mother put it in the cart. She buys me whatever I want.”

“You’re a spoiled brat.” Sauli just giggled. Adam took a generous gulp. “Whoa, what’s in this? Is that vodka?”

“Uh huh.”

“My dad will totally freak out, you know.”

“It isn’t his. It’s mine.”

“Come again?”

“The flight attendant was very friendly. The little bottles are so cute. I have lots more of them.”

“Shit! You must have charmed the pants off her.”

“Actually, HE was thoroughly charmed.”

“Oh my god . . . I want deets on that one. I like knowing I’m drinking sluttified vodka.”

Sauli was tickled. “That’s a good name for our drink . . . a slutty vodka.”

“When I turn 21, I’m going to walk up to the bar and order a slutty vodka, make ‘em wonder.”

Sauli put his feet across the center cushion resting them against Adam’s legs. Adam’s sprawl was far-reaching. He contemplated moving out of Sauli’s way instead of hogging all the space, but the intimacy was a level he could handle for now. Adam relaxed, and he yawned.

Sauli noticed. “Are you sleepy?”

“No, not really.”

“Neither am I.” Sauli was turned toward him. He was resting his head on his arm which was casually lying across the back of the couch. It was an open door, and Adam knew it. Adam was still suspicious of Sauli’s new interest in him. He took another drink trying to avoid getting captured by Sauli’s gaze. They watched another episode and made light conversation enjoying their drinks.

“You don’t have to stay up with me.”

“What?”

“I mean if you’re tired, you should go to bed.”

“No, I’m good.”

“Sometimes I think you are just being nice.”

“That’s not true. Why would you think that?”

“You were upset at dinner. I thought it was me.”

“No. I’m sorry. Neil and Dad push my buttons is all.”

“Push your buttons.”

“Yeah, they . . . irritate me. It isn’t even their fault really. It’s me. I don’t know why I get like that. I actually like to stay up after they’ve gone to bed just to get some time to relax.”

“You watch TV?”

“Sometimes. I watch more TV now than I used to.”

“We don’t have to watch TV. What would you do if I weren’t here?”

“You mean if you’d never come to stay with us?”

“No. I mean right now when everyone is in bed.” Adam didn’t say anything. “If you could do anything you wanted . . . in the dark . . . all alone.” Sauli’s voice was hypnotic.

Adam was pretty sure he knew where this was going, and he had no idea how to stop it. “I dunno.” Sauli chuckled softly. “Why are you laughing at me?”

“You’re so serious, Adam.”

“Well, I don’t know what you want me to say. You want me to admit I’d probably jack off and go to sleep?”

“Yes! Why is that so hard to say?”

It was hard to say because what Adam was really thinking involved the two of them horizontal and naked with a whole lot of grinding. Adam took another gulp of his drink. “Just shy I guess.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Sauli, what do you want? Today has been so fucking weird. We were barely friends before. You wanted to hang out with the jocks as soon as school started. So that’s cool or whatever. Do what you want, right? The whole American experience, I get it. So now you know I’m gay, and you’re all seducing me and shit, and I don’t know where you’re coming from at all.” There, he said it.

“I’m not seducing you. I just wanted to jack off together. But that’s not what this is about. You’re upset because I’ve been . . .” Sauli paused to find his words. “I’ve been too busy for you, right?”

Adam had ‘jack off together’ on repeat. “Look I’m no charity case, Sauli. All I know is we got along fine as soon as you got here last summer. Then, when school started you saw that I was, you know, one of the weirdos, so you chose the popular kids and you fit in just right, so that’s great. And look at you, why not?”

“You really believe that?” Adam just shrugged like he didn’t care if he was right or wrong. Sauli sighed heavily. “When I got off the plane, I almost changed my mind. I started thinking of ways that I could call my parents and apologize, ask them to send money so I could go back.”

“Why?”

“I was afraid. I wasn’t running to America as much as I was running from Finland. I asked myself what I was doing, but you were all so kind. I started to believe I could do it.”

“So we weren’t the family you expected at first?”

“Actually, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I have only sisters. I put on my application that I would enjoy having brothers.”

Adam laughed. “And you got me and Neil . . . nice.”

“I’m not disappointed. I like Neil. You’re too hard on him.”

“My parents indulge him too much. I don’t even know why, unless having me first wore them down. It’s my duty as a big brother to set him straight. Otherwise, he’ll turn out an asshole.”

“So, I’m your little brother as well? You have to set me straight when I get into fights?”

“You know, given what happened between us at the track. The brother idea is really awkward.”

“I mean before that. You were looking out for me. Your parents have been terrific, but you’ve helped me the most.”

“How?”

“You understand me. Somehow your face makes me feel safe. I can just look at you and know I’ll be all right.”

“I didn’t know you felt like that. We haven’t had much time to connect and school is . . .”

“Do you know what I saw the first day of school?” Adam didn’t. “Heads were turning as soon as you walked by.”

“They were looking at you.”

“No, they weren’t, not really. They only wanted to know who’s that guy with Adam. He’s the kid staying with Adam. I had to decide very fast if I wanted to be ‘the boy with Adam’ or just me, Sauli.”

“You never said any of this before.”

“I didn’t want you to think you had to take care of me . . . another little brother following you around. It would have been so easy to be your shadow.” Sauli paused thoughtfully. “I was Nikko’s shadow. I didn’t want that here. I had to prove that I could make it by myself not just replace one boy with another one.”

“His name was Nikko?”

“Yes. Sometimes you remind me of him, but only in the good ways . . . not bad. He wasn’t all bad.”

“You don’t sound too sure.”

“It’s complicated. I don’t trust what I thought. I must have been wrong about him most of the time.”

“Well, I can relate. I’ve been wrong about boys, too.”

“But things are good with you and Tommy, right?”

“Me and Tommy? We’re not together.”

“I thought you and Tommy were . . .”

“Nope. He’s just a friend. He’s one of the few who knows about me, the real me. He’s straight, though.”

“Seriously?”

“I’m taking his word for it. He’s pretty and just doesn’t give a shit. I know him outside of school too. He’s got a grunge band and invited me to sing lead vocal with them.”

Sauli looked disappointed. “Have I missed it?”

“No, we haven’t had a gig in a long time. It was mostly a scheduling thing. I don’t mess around with my voice when I’ve got performances at school. I only sing rock when I’m goofing around.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to feel like a poser. I mean, look at me. I hardly fit the part.”

Sauli’s wisdom was increasing the more he drank. “You have to follow your instincts or you’ll regret it.”

The words of Adam’s parents came out of his mouth. “You can’t make a living at it. Theater is hard to get into, but once you’re in, you can support yourself. Can you imagine me being successful enough as a rock star to pay my bills?”

Sauli didn’t even hesitate. “Yes, I can.” No one in Adam’s life had encouraged him to pursue popular music. Singing lessons + acting lessons = musical theater, end of story. Adam had talked himself out of considering anything else.

“Really? You think I could do it?”

“I know you could.” It sounded almost fathomable coming from Sauli. “Do you want another drink?”

“Yeah, sure, if there’s more?”

“There’s more.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the kitchen, Adam’s former mood took a 180 degree turn. He felt happy. Some of it had to be the alcohol, but he and Sauli were finally connecting. Adam realized that with Sauli, he was completely himself. Many of Adam’s friends knew he was gay, but he remained guarded. With Sauli, he could speak unfiltered.

“Come help me.” Adam was eager to make himself useful. “I got up here before, but now I’m a little tipsy. Just stand there in case I fall.”

“This I can do.” Sauli hopped onto the counter and stood slowly as if he were balancing on a wire. “You’ve got a stash up there?”

“In back of the top shelf.”

“You’ve been holding out on me.”

“I was waiting for a special occasion.” Sauli had begun to move things, and he wobbled.

“Whoa.” Adam steadied Sauli by putting his hands at the back of his thighs, and Sauli squeezed his glutes for balance. Adam appreciated the view.

“Here. Hold this.” Adam was still focused on Sauli’s ass when he reached up to take the cookbook Sauli held to the side.

“Hey, these are the recipes you brought for my mom. We haven’t had anything Finnish since Chrisanukkah.” The Lamberts had decided to create a combination holiday so Sauli wouldn’t feel left out. Neil had coined the name Chrisanukkah. It had been the best celebration they had had in years. They felt something very profound in how simple it was to share their cultural commonalities: lights, gifts, food. Sauli turned out to be a very good cook. “You’ve got to make those meatballs again.”

Sauli turned around with several petite bottles in each hand. “So, you liked eating my balls?”

Adam grinned so broadly his cheeks cramped. “They were delicious.”

Sauli held out his arms. “Help me go down.”

“You mean ‘get down’ I assume.”

Sauli was practically glittering with mischief. “I don’t know. Your language is so hard.”

“Riiiiight.” Adam wrapped his arms around Sauli’s hips and lifted him off the counter. He let Sauli slide down the length of his body until his feet touched the floor. Although neither one of them was in any hurry to step out of the embrace, Adam didn’t trust what was happening yet. He needed more time to be sure. “I thought you were going to make me a drink.”

Sauli turned toward the counter. “Two slutty vodkas coming up.”

Adam got the juice from the fridge. “I still want to hear your flight attendant story.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t want to corrupt your innocence.”

“My what?”

“It’s okay, Adam. I think it’s cute.”

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Adam poured the juice and Sauli emptied a bottle.

“Do you want two?”

“Did you give me a whole one last time?”

“Yes.”

“Just one then. I don’t wanna get totally smashed.” They chose a new, more easily accessible hiding place. They arranged the bottles in the pantry behind a box of dried milk that had to be older than Neil. They settled back on the couch in close enough proximity to rub their feet together. They turned the TV off.

They spent a couple minutes just drinking and pushing against each other’s feet. “If we’re not going to watch TV, then I want you to tell me that story.”

Sauli was evasive. “No.”

“Why not?”

“It really isn’t interesting. You made it seem like I had done something naughty, but I didn’t. I’m boring.”

“Then how did you get the vodka?”

“I did charm him into giving them to me, but not with my body.” Sauli grinned devilishly. “It was my smile alone.” Adam stared at Sauli for a moment until Sauli kicked him with his foot. “You don’t believe me do you?”

“I do believe you. That’s the problem. So far you’ve used it only for vodka and juice, but honey . . . That grin could corrupt the Pope. Use it wisely.”

“Are you afraid I can corrupt you too?”

“Why are you so insistent that I’m innocent to begin with?”

Sauli pointed to the ceiling. “In your bedroom you wouldn’t talk about it, so I thought maybe you had never . . .”

“But that doesn’t make me innocent. I just don’t talk about my sex life with anyone.”

“Do you want to?”

“I don’t know Sauli. Some if it is so mortifying.”

“Come on. I will share too, after you go.”

“Why do I have to go first?”

“Adam, admit it. You’re dying to tell someone.” Sauli fixed his eyes on Adam’s face as if he were trying to look inside Adam’s head. “You want to tell because secrets feel like shame.”

It was becoming rather unnerving how well Sauli knew him. “Okay, but I have never told another living soul this story. Be forewarned, alcohol dissolves my filter completely so you can’t judge me.”

Sauli pouted his lips. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Okay.” Adam took a deep breath. “My sophomore year, I was shopping for colleges mostly because of my parents, but it’s what all my classmates were doing, and you get a day out of school, excused, so I figured why not.” Adam scratched the side of his nose matter-of-factly. “The ones I really wanted to visit were far away, and I knew my parents wouldn’t let me go by myself even though I already had my license. So I decided to just burn a day over at State. You sit in on classes and take a tour. It’s pretty lame. My parents were so damn glad I was actually considering it, that they let me drive. I’m not boring you am I?”

“No, no. Keep going.”

“You know how much I like to talk, so you’ll just have to tell me to shut up at some point.” “I’ll let you know how much I can take.”

Adam smiled warily because he wasn’t sure Sauli knew how that sounded. “So, I went to a class on music theory because there were supposed be student presentations.” Adam rolled his eyes. “I thought I was going to lose my fuckin’ mind. I mean, I’ve already taken voice lessons for eight years and the last thing I want to do is sit in a desk hearing it all over again. So it really wasn’t my fault I was so easily distracted.” Adam traced a finger around the rim of his glass. “This one guy was so hot. He was one of the presenters. He was small and sexy, big brown eyes. He was up there just killing that presentation. That’s just so attractive to me, that confidence.” Adam took a chance it was time to be honest. “When you stood up to that guy today, I’m not kidding, it got to me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you were standing there all fierce and fuck you. It was hot.”

“I don’t see myself as fierce. When I’m that mad, I . . . I don’t know how to say it. I take a trip away from myself.”

“I know what you mean. I take a trip away from myself when I’m horny as fuck which brings me back to my story.” Sauli laughed and snuggled down. Adam was getting to the good part. The more Adam talked the more seductive and lilting his voice became. “This pretty, pretty boy was totally eye fucking me, right? I know I was blushing. It was so stupid. Anyway, when the class was over, he came up to me and asked what my name was. Was I a musician or a singer? He wanted to know if I wanted to hear a piece he was composing. I was already sold, he could have said, ‘Do you want to count all twelve of my toes, and I’d have gone with him.” Sauli laughed. “I figured he might want to make out. I even dared to imagine him letting me suck him off. This happened almost two years ago, by the way. It was the first time I . . . Well, I got really nervous, but, I figured, what’s to know? It’s a cock and you suck it, right?”

“Mr. Cowell would say, ‘A blow job is not rocket science’.” Sauli gave a worthy impression of the ancient mathematician who had lurked the halls of Mt. Carmel for 40+ years forcing his wit on captive audiences.

Adam laughed. “Yeah, well, Mr. Cowell can suck my rocket. I never liked him. He’s really smart but so condescending so who really gives a fuck what he’s trying to teach, you know? Are you passing physics?”

Sauli took a sip of his drink. “Mmmm . . . I have a B right now.”

“Are you kidding me? I hate you. The only B I have is in English.”

“I have an A in English.”

Adam stared with his mouth agape. “It’s my fucking native language, and you’ve got a higher grade than me.”

“Than I.” Sauli started giggling, and Adam flung a pillow at him. Sauli caught it and flung it back. “Go on . . . the boy with twelve toes . . .”

Adam took a drink and tried to remember the details. “He took my hand and guided me down this maze of hallways and closed doors. It’s not easy to maneuver all the corners when you’re sprouting wood."

"So inconvenient."

"We finally ended up in this tiny room with a messy desk and a keyboard in the corner. He didn’t even try to feed me a line. He stuck his tongue down my throat then sank to his knees. It was hardly worth his while. I lasted maybe two minutes, but at that point, it was the best fuckin’ two minutes of my entire life.”

“I know, and then you’re kind of dazed for hours afterward.”

“Dazed? I walked around cross-eyed all afternoon with this ridiculous grin on my face. If anyone had bothered to talk to me . . . Oh shit, I just remembered something!”

“What?”

Adam covered his face and moaned. “We had to fill out these evaluation forms at the end of our tour, and I wrote that the music department blew me away.”

“Adam!”

“I know. I thought I was being clever. Ugh!”

“That wasn’t very mortifying. Not really.”

Adam settled a little deeper into the cushions. “I had some dark times too.”

“Tell me.”

“You really want to hear this stuff?”

“Yes. I want to know as much as I can.”

“I’m like research for your American experience . . . the fucked up, horny gay teen report?”

“Actually, I was going to write that particular chapter about myself, but now that you mention it.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. I’m just kind of self-conscious, I guess. We’re finally talking, and I don’t want to ruin it. I’m totally monopolizing the conversation.”

“I promise I’ll go next.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“Okay. You asked for it.” Adam finished his drink. “So, I knew going to college wasn’t for me, but I really didn’t know what else to do. I still don’t, but I’m not as afraid of the unknown now.”

“Neither am I. It is good to have so many options, right?”

“The problem is committing to just one. All the next year, my junior year, I started dreading graduation. Tommy and I were doing a lot more gigs, and my parents were giving me hell about it. Last summer, I got pretty low. I was smoking a lot of pot and staying out too late. The climate in this house was really tense. Thank god Neil spent most of the time at camp or we would have had a serious misunderstanding. He would have watched and reported my every move. Anyway, this one night I lied and said I was going to stay at a friend’s house, but me and Tommy and some other guys I didn’t know very well drove to La Jolla for a beach house party. We weren’t working, though, more like crashing. It was adults only, but I’m tall and big so nobody even blinked.”

“How about Tommy?”

“They wouldn’t let him in. I was ready to call the whole thing off, but he insisted I go for it. He told me to sneak him a drink. I’m so fucking glad he stayed anyway coz when we got inside, the other guys ditched me. I slammed a couple of shots right away. I don’t even know what it was, but it went through the top of my head like a fucking laser. And people were fucking everywhere. I mean literally fucking in every room all over the place. It was this orgy thing.”

Sauli’s eyes bugged. “Oh my god, Adam, what did you do?”

“You know, I’ve watched a lot of porn, but seeing people right there LIVE fucking was intense. This emo boy in a spiked collar and eyeliner showed up out of nowhere and took what was going to be my third shot right out of my hand and downed it. He was kind of obvious with his fishnet pullover thing and leather pants, but what the fuck, live a little, right? When he kissed me, his tongue was pierced.” Sauli wrinkled his nose. “Yeah, that was an odd sensation at first. He liked to click it on my teeth. I was starting to feel a buzz way too fast like I was high or something. He was moving me backward, and I had to hold onto him to keep from falling. We bumped into one of those sectional couches. Do you know what I mean? There are separate pieces that fit together in different shapes.”

“I’ve seen them. Lots and lots of positions.” Adam smirked again. Sauli had a language barrier, but he had to realize the double entendre. He was truly flirting. Adam felt more at ease.

“Exactly. So I’m wondering where the fuck did we land, and he’s got my pants undone and already going for it. I’m chafing the hell out of my ass on the upholstery, and I noticed this guy watching me, right? He was way across the room sitting with his legs crossed, all cool and calm with a glass of ice in his hand. His hair was dark and brushed back smooth. He looked older, clean cut and wearing expensive designer shit. He had to be a suit.”

“A suit?”

“A guy who works in an office and wears a suit.”

“Oh I see.”

“They think these parties are a walk on the wild side. He wasn’t getting it on with anyone, and it hit me that he must be a voyeur.” Adam clarified. “He likes to watch. I thought, hey, if that’s his kink, I’m gonna give him a show.”

“Adam!” Sauli covered his face, but only for a second. He didn’t want to miss anything.

“Hey, I blame it on the roofies.” Adam paused a moment and licked his lips. “Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like to be in a porn movie?”

“No, but you’re the actor.”

“It’s more performance art, I think.” Adam was remembering. “This is embarrassing.”

“Come on, tell me.”

Adam indulged him. “I kind of arched my back and lifted my shirt. I licked my fingers and pinched my nipples.”

“Fuck, Adam.” It was only a whisper.

“I clawed the couch. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back like this was the best fuckin’ blow I’d ever had, but between you and me, guys who have their tongues pierced, rely on it too much if you know what I mean.”

“Oh my god.”

“I looked over at the guy, and he was really into it. Damn.” Adam flexed. “He squeezed his junk, and that’s what finally made me come. Leather boy was wiping his mouth, so fucking smug like he’s the one who got me there, and all of a sudden, the suit was right fucking there, just pushed him aside and took my hand. The look on his face was . . . I was so turned on. I’m still kind of bothered by that feeling. I wanted him to take me. Do you ever feel like that, like you want to be handled?”

“Yes, I do.” Sauli’s openness was even more intoxicating than the vodka. Adam no longer sensed any hesitation. He wanted to tell Sauli everything now.

“I fisted my pants to keep them from sliding down to my ankles. He was dragging me up the stairs. He had a hard grip and a lot of rings, but it didn’t hurt as much as it should have. He turned on the lights in an empty bedroom, and I thought either it was his house or we were somewhere off limits which was way cool. He flung his jacket on the floor and pushed me onto the bed. He fell on top of me, and then we were making out. He was an amazing kisser. He didn’t just push in. He took his time. His lips . . .” Adam touched his own lips. “I don’t know how to describe it, the way he kissed me like he was thirsty.” Adam was back there again. He wanted to take Sauli with him. “He had his hands all over me, inside my clothes, cupping my ass and grinding down. I was trying to take his shirt off, but he smacked my hands away. We started struggling against each other. Then it got crazy. It was rough, biting and shoving. I’m sure I scratched him. I phased in and out. I knew what was going on, but my reaction time was off. The next thing I know he’s got this wicked erection pointed at me, slick on my stomach, and he’s trying to roll me over. I was confused, and something inside me just screamed NO! I knew what he brought me up there for, and it was really lousy to change my mind, but I wouldn’t let him. He started cursing, and I thought he might hit me, but he didn’t. He aimed for my mouth, and I wanted to make him fall completely apart, just totally come undone. If I could do that, I still had control. I don’t know if that makes any sense. It’s a good thing I had a little experience by then.”

Sauli cleared his throat. “More college visits?”

Adam smiled. “No. I saw some action as my alter ego the rock singer. Word got around that Tommy’s band was pretty good, and we got invited to play a few private clubs, off the record, of course since we were underage. Some were legit, though, anniversaries and birthdays in decent hotels, whatever we could get. Once in a while, a guest would come over, and he’d figured me out. We’d go wherever . . . coat closet, parking lot. I learned what I liked and how to make a boy feel really, really good. But, even when I was on my knees in an alley, I was the one in control. It was my call. By the time I hooked up with the suit, I knew what I was doing. He was making all kinds of racket, and I thought, ‘I’m winning’. Isn’t that weird?”

Sauli shook his head. “No, it isn’t weird.” Sauli seemed more serious, and Adam worried he had gone too far. “Don’t stop now, Adam. What happened?”

“Well, it stopped being my show eventually . . . goddamn roofies. He got a grip on me, grabbed me by the head like this.” Adam reached up to illustrate and touched the close cropped hair above his ears. “Actually, I had more hair on the sides then, and he let me have it. He pounded my face until my ears were ringing . . . came right down my throat.” Sauli gasped. “I choked. It was raw and messy and . . .” Adam stopped mid-sentence and just looked at Sauli full on.

“What is it?”

“I wasn’t ashamed. It was stupidly reckless, but it was hot as fuck, and I’m not sorry.” Sauli’s face was unreadable. “What are you thinking?”

Sauli nodded thoughtfully. “I’m afraid you’re right, Adam. You do talk too much.” Adam’s face turned to stone. Sauli tried to hold his composure, but he failed. A light shown in his eyes. “Are you fucking kidding me, right now? You are kidding, right?” Sauli started to cackle. “That’s just mean!” Adam grabbed his chest. “Ahhhhh, don’t ever do that again. I almost died on the spot. Nope, fuck it, I am legit dead!” Adam fell backward and closed his eyes.

Sauli was still laughing. “No don’t die, Adam. I’m sorry.” Adam didn’t move. “Oh, come on . . . I know I shouldn’t be so bad.” Sauli tapped Adam with his foot, still nothing. Sauli got a glimmer even brighter than before. He leaned forward carefully shifting his direction on the couch and climbed upon Adam’s body until he could feel Adam’s breath on his face. “You realize of course, you leave me no choice but to revive you.”

Adam opened his eyes and brought his arms around Sauli. “Do you really think you can save me?”

“Yes.” Sauli’s lips grazed Adam’s. “I think it goes something like this.” Sauli parted Adam’s lips with his own and breathed in and out until Adam made a soft, desperate noise then he kissed Adam fully. Adam trembled and moaned. Sauli pushed up higher and cradled Adam’s head in his hands. As he kissed him, Sauli’s tongue merely moistened the rim of Adam’s lips without plunging in. Adam spread his hands wide across Sauli’s lower back sweeping upward to his shoulder blades until Sauli molded to his flesh. Adam’s soft stomach and Sauli’s inner thigh easily yielded to the rigid pressure nearby.

Things were progressing very fast. “Hold it, Sauli. Slow it down. I gotta move.” Sauli lifted his body so Adam could shift. Adam realigned with the back of the couch and nestled Sauli down beneath him. They nuzzled in, absorbing each other’s scent while they recorded the details of their faces. Sauli squinted his eyes, and Adam worried about his flaws under the close scrutiny. “What are you looking at?”

“I can’t see you with longer hair. I can’t imagine you looking different than you do right now.”

Adam needed to stop doubting Sauli. It was his own self-deprecation that made him insecure. He rested on his elbow so they could touch as they talked. “I was going through a surfer phase . . . Sanuk sandals and a white shell necklace. My hair was highlighted and kind of feathery around my face. I wore my shirts with the collar unbuttoned down to here.” Adam had a revelation. “Subconsciously, I was going for twink, I guess. It’s no wonder that guy tried to top me. How I stumbled out of there with my cherry intact, I will never know.”

“Just think if you had drunk the third shot.”

“My story would have ended much differently. You know the irony is, if I hadn’t been drugged and confused, I think maybe I would have let him. Anyway, he left me alone, and somewhere between the bedroom and the front door, the drugs hit me full force.”

“How did you get home?”

“Tommy was there. He waited for me. God, I must have been a sight! I came tripping across the beach with cum on my face and my dick hanging out. He was such a sweetheart. He put me back together and kept saying, ‘Come on, big guy’ when I thought I was going to pass out. I think he called his sister to come get us. I honestly have no idea.” Adam smiled softly. “Tommy never judged me. All he said the next day was I owed him a drink. That happened two weeks before you showed up.” Adam ran his fingers casually up and down Sauli’s chest. “I cut my hair after that and dyed it brown. No more boy toy.”

“I didn’t know this wasn’t your natural color.”

“Nope. I’m a strawberry blonde. I actually change my looks a lot. I’m always trying to be somebody else. Sometimes I still don’t think I see the real me in the mirror. I want to do something really rad about my appearance, but I haven’t figured it out yet. It’s not the kind of attention I want at school right now. I just want to finish and move on.”

Sauli looked down. “It’s so hard to move on sometimes.”

Adam lifted Sauli’s chin and kissed him gently. “Nikko really broke your heart didn’t he?”

Sauli huffed but his smile was fake. “Do you want the sluttified version?”

Adam was seriously doubting anything Sauli did could be interpreted as slutty. “Sure, lay it on me.”

“My story isn’t as interesting as yours.”

Adam sat up and pulled Sauli along. “Come on, you promised.”

Sauli protested. “We’re having such a good time. I don’t want to feel bad.”

Adam held Sauli’s hand. “Listen. I won’t make you talk about it, but maybe you’d feel better to just get it all out. I didn’t realize how I’d suppressed stuff until now. It felt really good to share everything with you.”

Adam’s expression gave Sauli new faith. “All right. Maybe I should.” Sauli turned around so he could lean into Adam’s chest. It would be easier to explain without having to look at Adam directly. Sauli wrapped Adam’s arms around him like a blanket.

“I’m right here.”

"This is a very short story." Sauli took a deep breath. “I met Nikko at a party. We shared a six pack of beers in his car. We did everything the very first night.”

“Everything?”

“EVERYthing. I ‘put out’ I think is how you say it.”

It seemed to Adam that Sauli was much more revealing in his austerity than Adam had been in his full course feast for the senses. “Did he take advantage?”

“No, I let him. I felt so many things, excited and afraid. I thought it was love.”

Adam rubbed his nose behind Saul’s ear. “I understand that feeling, being attracted to someone, really intense right away.”

“It wasn’t very romantic for me. One of my classmates had an older brother, and he had parties on Fridays. He didn’t care if we were drinking. It was fun. The music was very good, and I was laughing a lot. There were people standing around a table, and I wanted to see what was going on. That’s when I saw Nikko. He was doing tricks with shot glasses, entertaining everyone. His face was so bright and alive. I liked his laugh, his crooked smile. His hands were big but not clumsy. He talked with them.”

“I do that.”

“Yes. He noticed me. His face changed like he was hungry. Well, you know what happens when someone looks at you like that.”

Adam squeezed him a little tighter. “Yeah, you stop thinking and start feeling.”

Sauli nodded. “I just didn’t know any better. My friend told me not to go with him, but I wouldn’t hear of it. We drove off and parked near a playground. He talked about himself a lot.” Adam physically winced, and Sauli patted him. “No, Adam. Don’t do that. It isn’t the same.”

Adam’s voice was very soft. “It bothers me that he sounds like me.”

“Don’t think that way. It was the confidence just like you said that attracted me. He wanted to impress me, and that made me feel special.” Adam bristled again. “Adam, stop it. Do you want to hear my story or not?” Adam looked wounded, but he was willing to endure it, to confront his own shortcomings for Sauli’s sake.

Adam laced their fingers together for security. “Go on.”

“We drank all the beer. We started making out in the backseat and didn’t stop. After, he said he wanted to see me again. He wrote his phone number on my hip right here.” Sauli drew a line with his finger low down.

“He was marking you. I mean, like he wanted you to belong to him.”

“Yes, that’s how it was. I didn’t keep his number, though. I washed it off as soon as I got home. I felt so foolish.” Sauli shrugged a shoulder and Adam rubbed his hand with his thumb encouraging him to continue. “It was a month or more before I heard from Nikko again. He showed up at my school, sunglasses and a cigarette . . . so bad. I went right to him. We were together after that, but we didn’t date. I mean, he never really took me out anywhere. I would tell my parents I had activities after school, and Nikko would pick me up on his motorcycle. I thought he was very cool. We would drive around for awhile. He always needed to buy something at a gas station or a drug store. He told me to go in and pay for the petrol one time, and I saw he had four hundred Euros in his wallet. I asked him if we could go out to dinner, and he said no. I asked him if he had gotten a job, and he got mad. He said if I loved him, I’d mind my own business and trust him to do what was best for us.” Sauli stared into an imaginary space. “All he had to do was say ‘us’ and I would do whatever he wanted. He’d tell me he loved me, and we’d go back to his apartment and fuck.”

“He had his own place? How old was he?”

“Twenty-four.”

“And you were . . . what? 16?!”

“Yes.”

Adam let Sauli’s hand go and combed his fingers roughly through his hair in frustration. “Sauli, did you know anything about him?”

“I wanted to meet his family, but all we did was sit in his mother’s living room for a half hour watching TV. He took me to hang out with his friends a couple times, but he got very badly drunk. I tried to help him out of there, but he passed out on the lawn. They were laughing at me. I had to leave him where he fell. I walked home. It was very late. My parents were so angry and told me I couldn’t see him anymore. In two days, he showed up at my home and apologized to me. He promised he would be better if I moved in with him. I believed it. My mother wanted my father to stop me, to call the police or something. I begged her to let me go. I will always remember the look on her face when I left. Nikko was better for a little while, but finally, it didn’t matter what I did. I made him angry. He kept threatening to leave me, told me I was too weak to be alone. The only time we weren’t fighting was when we were fucking. I stayed with him too long.” Sauli looked at Adam sheepishly. “I thought the sex meant he cherished me.”

Adam put his feet off the couch and onto the floor. He was having a hard time sitting still. “Sauli, I’m just crazy right now like if that guy was in this room I could tear him apart. What the fuck is the matter with guys like him? How could he not know what he had? Have you ever felt like you wanted to break someone in two with your bare hands?”

Sauli nodded. “I did today.” It felt like a punch to Adam’s stomach. “You may get angry with me, but I have something to confess.”

“Tell me everything.”

“The argument in the gym was my fault, I’m afraid. I made a big deal about it. That boy, Chase didn’t call you a faggot.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Chase called his friend a faggot.”

“Bruce?”

“Yes, Bruce. He called Bruce a faggot, and it wasn’t even serious. The boys call each other faggot all the time even at lunch. They say, ‘You took the last slice of pepperoni, you faggot’ just in regular everyday conversation. I don’t understand it.”

“I don’t either. I hate it. So he just said it for no reason?”

“No. There’s more.” Sauli wanted Adam to understand. “When you were singing, everyone stopped to listen. You were so . . . your voice was so beautiful. No one was breathing. Chase said he wished the screaming would stop that you were making his ears bleed. Bruce told him to speak for himself because he liked your voice. Chase called him a fucking faggot. He made Bruce feel bad for admiring you. I lost it. This I see in my country too. It’s everywhere. Beauty they think is weak. I wanted to study dance, but my father insisted I go into the construction business with him instead. He didn’t want a son to be a weakling. I couldn’t yell at my father so I yelled at Chase instead. I wanted to shout, ‘Don’t you see who he is? Don’t you know what he will become?’ It made me angry at the whole world.”

Adam’s heart felt like it was seizing in his chest. He borrowed from his memory a conversation he had had with his voice instructor the day he came to his lesson crying because of a bully at school. “In this world, there will always be boys like Chase and Nikko who don’t appreciate the beautiful things or they’re scared like your dad.” Adam took both Sauli’s hands in his. “You deserve so much more, Sauli. You’re sweet and smart, and so brave. You are stronger than anyone else I know for coming here and trying to go it alone. I should have been there for you more.”

“I don’t feel alone. When I left Nikko for good and moved back in with my parents, my mother gave me an application for the international studies program. She knew I was not weak. She knew I could find my strength with a new start. When you came to help me today without any regard for yourself, I knew I wasn’t alone. You are everything I wanted Nikko to be. He was the weak one. I’ve watched you be strong. I’ve seen how hard it is for you to be who you are, and I said to myself, ‘That’s how to do it. That’s how to be a man.’” Adam had no words. “I act childish sometimes, because I think I forgot to be young. I see couples at school. They hold hands in the hall, and kiss before class. It’s . . . I don’t want to say nice. I don’t know the word for what it is, for what it means to me. I want it.”

Adam put his forehead to Sauli’s. “You’re so special, Sauli. I care for you so much, but it isn’t fair for me to . . . when you’re still . . .”

“Adam, look at me. It was over for me and Nikko long before I left Finland. I was just too scared of heartbreak to admit it. Saying it has made the truth clear. I have three months left in California. I don’t want to lose one more moment looking back.” Adam’s heart was pounding, as Sauli kissed the corner of his mouth. He brushed his lips against Adam’s cheek. “Don’t feel sorry for me, Adam. I won.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes fate throws you a curve only to propel you in a new direction.

Adam headed down the stairs in jeans, a t-shirt, and flip flops. He shrugged on a zip hoodie and pushed the sleeves up to this elbows. Leila had made coffee and put a mug out for him. Neil was eating cereal at the table. Finally, the sun was shining. Adam picked up a section of the paper his dad had already dissected before he’d left for work. 

“It’s chilly this morning. Are you sure about the flip flops?” Leila noticed such things.

“Yep . . . got a blister yesterday.” He thought to himself, running in wet boots will do that.

“Do you need something for it?”

“Nope.” Adam perused the paper looking for nothing in particular. “Where’s Sauli?”

“He went for a run this morning. He said he’d get a ride with Danielle.”

“Do you want me to take Neil?” 

Neil protested. “I don’t want to ride with you. Your car smells like pot.”

“It does not. You don’t even know what pot smells like, pinhead.” 

Leila intervened. “Adam.”

“It’s patchouli, I swear.” He held up his hand, an ambiguous oath.

Leila rolled her eyes. “Don’t call your brother a pinhead.”

“I was just trying to be nice . . . about the ride, I mean. He earned pinhead.”

“Jerk wad!”

“Enough, both of you. If I’m taking you, Neil, we’ve got to be out the door in five minutes.”

Neil spilled the last of his cereal in a rush to get up. He started sucking milk and Cheerios off the table. Adam was appalled. “Stop that. What are you, a barbarian?” 

“Screw you.” Neil gave him the finger. 

“Neil! Stop it.” 

“Yeah, Neil.” Adam called after him as he hustled upstairs to get his stuff.

“Adam?!”

“What?”

Leila was exasperated. “Can you just let it go?”

“He’s a pain in the ass.” 

“You’re making it worse.” Leila was getting her lunch from the fridge. “Hey, who drank all the smoothie juice? I just bought that.” Without a moment’s hesitation, Adam said Sauli did it. “Oh . . . well, I’ll have to stop by the store on the way home and get him some more.” It was definitely the power of the smile. Adam contemplated the prospect of claiming Sauli broke the floor lamp in the den even though it had been him and Neil fighting over the gaming system. So far no one had noticed. Actually, Sauli was to blame for a lot of things. The fact that Adam didn’t finish his homework or get any sleep was all Sauli’s fault, and unfortunately, Sauli was responsible for this new bout of awkward blushing.

After their lengthy conversation on the couch, Adam felt closer to Sauli than he had ever been to another person. He wanted to explore it, cultivate it, but mostly protect it. Their kissing reflected this new frame of mind. It was slow and deep and tender. The fire between their bodies was a bed of embers. It was something to warm your hands not set you ablaze. It was new to Adam. All his previous experiences burned white hot and fast like a flare. When he felt himself going there with Sauli, he had an alternative to finishing. There was more to do. He could look into Sauli’s eyes. He could smooth Sauli’s hair and trace the curve of his ears. He could caress Sauli’s skin in the softest places. None of this had Adam done before, and it stunned him how much more intimate it was than sucking a stranger’s cock. Never had there been any other point than to get it done as soon as possible for there was a ticking clock, a countdown to goodbye. There had been so many men, Adam thought it made him an expert. Being with Sauli had only shown him how empty it all had been, how naive he was. Sauli’s experience with Nikko had not been a relationship but merely a series of one offs time after time well over a year. His partner was incapable of going the next step. By the time Adam and Sauli collided, they knew sex but not intimacy. They shared that innocence together and learned. The bond between them made physically separating almost impossible. There was only one way the night could ever end. 

They lingered in the hall outside Sauli’s bedroom. It was the only one downstairs. They held each other until Sauli whispered an invitation to come in. Adam had wondered if this night meant anything, if anything would change come daylight. Now he had his answer. He took Sauli’s hand and said, goodnight. Sauli smiled. He kissed Adam on the cheek, and they parted. Adam lay awake into the wee hours mentally sorting through titles of songs he would burn for a new CD for Sauli, songs that promise there’s more.

“Do you have a fever?”

“What?” Leila had the back of her hand three different spots on Adam’s head before her words registered in his consciousness. Obviously, he was blushing again.

“You came home yesterday soaking wet. I wonder if you caught a cold.”

“No, I’m fine, Mom.” Leila looked at him suspiciously. “Thanks, though.”

“You’ve been moody and preoccupied lately.” 

“It’s nothing, really.”

“You’d tell me if it was something, right?”

Neil was halfway out the door. “MOM! Are we going or not?”

“I think you’ve got enough to handle already.”

Leila put her hand on Adam’s chest and rubbed a circle. “Don’t be late for school.”

“I won’t.” 

Leila turned her attention to Neil. “What is that?”

“It’s my suitcase. I’m staying at Jeremy’s 'til Sunday.”

“Since when?”

“Dad said I could.” Their voices trailed away down the walk. 

Adam liked the idea of a couple nights without Neil. He could use a truce. He checked the clock above the sink. It was getting late . . . Sauli’s fault. Sauli had completely turned his world upside down in a matter of twenty-four hours. Sauli was the only boy who was willing to get punched in the face on his behalf, the only boy Adam had ever told ‘no’ out of respect, and the only boy whose kiss on the cheek made him tremble. And there was the damned blushing again! It was going to be a long day.

~~~

Gossip about yesterday buzzed through the halls. Adam expected it and acted normal. He went to his locker, got his books for first period, then went to homeroom. There was a noticeable hush when he came in. A boy from his economics class appointed himself the designated ice breaker. “Hey, Adam, what happened yesterday?”

“What do you mean, what happened?”

“There was a fight, right?”

“No, there wasn’t.”

“Come on, you were there weren’t you?”

“Yes, I WAS there, and you were not.”

“Well, everyone is talking about it.”

“There really isn’t anything to talk about.”

“Mrs. Procter said all you guys are getting called to the office this morning.”

“Oh, well if Mrs. Procter said it, it must be true.” Adam mocked him, but inside he was anxious. The one minute warning bell rang, and it became harder and harder for Adam to remain aloof. He wished he’d had a chance to see Sauli this morning. He shouldn’t have assumed that his gentlemen’s agreement with David would fly. Mrs. Procter came in with the bell and took attendance. She gave Adam a critical look that may have been a confirmation. The daily announcements came and went. Adam relaxed enough to get his homework out. He might be able to throw something together before passing period. Then it happened. The intercom bell toned from the speaker in the ceiling.

“Teachers? Please excuse the interruption. Would you send the following students to the front office? David Bergman, Chase Hopwood, Megan Joy, Sauli Koskinen, Adam Lambert, and Tommy Joe Ratliff. Please come to the office. Thank you.”

Adam wondered what they wanted with Tommy unless they just assumed he was involved because his discipline file was well fed. Still, this wasn’t completely unexpected. It wasn’t time to worry yet. The intercom came on again. “Would Mrs. Cherry please report to the office? Mrs. Cherry. Please report to the office.”

Now Adam was nervous. That could not be a good sign. He had dry mouth and stopped at the drinking fountain. He saw Megan going into the guidance office. She looked upset. Adam reached for the office door just as Bruce Gregory was coming out. “Oh! Hey, Adam.”

“Hey. I didn’t hear your name called.” 

“Yeah, the coach had a team meeting this morning. I told him I wanted to see the principal myself.”

“Oh.” Adam hoped he had put in a good word for Sauli. He didn’t say anything more not knowing for sure if Bruce was friend or foe.

“Well, see you later.”

“Yeah, see ya.” 

The secretary asked Adam to take a seat. “Principal Taylor will be right with you.” A row of chairs was aligned along a wall away from the entrance so visitors could remain anonymous to the general office traffic. Adam didn’t realize Tommy was already waiting there. 

“Hey, what the . . .” Adam lowered his voice. “Why are YOU here?”

“I’ve got a one in three shot of it having something to do with the incident yesterday.”

“I’ve got a bad feeling that Sauli is going to take the brunt of this. Do you think David was right? Could Sauli be deported over something like this?”

“Don’t even try to figure out what they’re thinking. An administrator’s reasoning is a mind fuck you do not need.” Tommy patted the chair next to him. “Sit down, big guy. Just wait it out, see what hand you’re dealt first.”

“You’re incredibly calm.”

“It’s not my first time.” Tommy’s intonation was decidedly sexual.

“If I didn’t feel like hurling, I’d be totally turned on right now.” Tommy was amused. "I wonder where Sauli is." The assistant principal’s door opened and out came Chase, his parents, and Coach Meyer. They all left rather swiftly. It made sense that they would meet with Mr. Rogers because he was doubling as the athletic director this year. He stood in the door to his office and scanned the room until he saw Tommy.

“Barb?”

“Yes, Mr. Rogers.”

“Give me a couple minutes then send Mr. Ratliff in.” Mr. Rogers was frowning. He was always frowning.

Tommy sat back and crossed his feet at the ankles. “I wish he was my neighbor.”

Adam grinned. “We’ve been making fun of him since 9th grade.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna miss it.”

“Me too.”

“Barb?” 

The secretary didn’t look up from her desk. “Yes, Tommy.”

“Has Mrs. Alvarez been in this morning?”

“No, Tommy, I haven’t seen Mrs. Alvarez.”

Adam felt paranoid now. “What’s that about?”

“I may or may not have used a rather creative method of cooperative learning on our last unit exam in Spanish.”

“Oh.”

“I think I just narrowed my options to two.”

“What’s the other one?”

“Don’t ask. Just take my advice and don’t use the men’s room down Cowell’s hallway.”

“Nobody uses that bathroom but Mr. Cowell. It’s only got one stall.”

“Precisely. He’s not a camel. He’s gotta go sometime.”

Adam sized him up. “You are a brilliant anarchist, and I admire your work but what about Sauli? What are you going to say?”

“Don’t worry. I’ve got a sixth sense about these things. I’ll tell him exactly what it takes to make this thing go away.” Tommy sauntered up to the counter and leaned over it. “Barb, how’s my breath?”

Barb actually sniffed him. “You could use a mint.” 

Tommy took a wintergreen out of the candy dish. “Thanks. You’re an angel.” Barb let one corner of her mouth curl in amusement as Tommy winked and walked the familiar path to the authorities.

The office door opened, and Mrs. Cherry entered. “Hi, Barbara, should I go on in?”

“Just a moment.” The secretary buzzed Mr. Taylor. “Mrs. Cherry is here to see you.”

Adam wanted to say something to her, but he was sort of hidden, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what she would say yet. Mr. Taylor’s door opened and David Bergman came out. He and Mrs. Cherry passed one another. David nodded in Adam’s direction, but his expression did not inspire confidence. Then, the real waiting began.

Adam’s mind wandered. He pictured again the incident in the gymnasium yesterday. He saw Sauli’s firm jaw, the steely stare and flared nostrils, his wildly masculine huff of anger. He sensed Sauli breathing. He could almost feel his breath. He remembered their kiss in the rain, every single kiss on the couch that left their lips chapped and swollen. He remembered how they touched. With their emotional filters completely down, touching was almost too much. Adam had never felt that way. It was easy and natural. They fit. They were careful as if a sudden movement would dissolve the illusion. Their breaths synchronized as they rocked into one another. It had taken everything in his power to go to his own bed alone.

Finally the doors both opened simultaneously. Tommy came straight to Adam. Mr. Taylor, Mr. Rogers, and Mrs. Cherry were apparently comparing notes.

“What are they talking about?”

Tommy turned around. “Uh oh . . . whoops . . .” 

Adam’s expression turned from hope to dread. “Whoops? What happened?”

“I think I just got you in trouble.”

“What the fuck, Tommy?”

“He wanted to know what you and David said to each other. I heard so many versions of the whole story before first bell, even I couldn’t keep them straight. I decided to tell him the truth coz that’s actually the version that makes you look like a hero. He said three other witnesses besides me had said the same thing, and he had enough evidence to punish you and David for failure to report blah blah blah.” 

Adam tried to wrap his head around it. “This is unbelievable.”

“I told him that there were lots of people there to witness what happened, but Rogers said it was you and David who planned . . .” Tommy looked to the ceiling for memory and pointed at the words as they fell into place out of mid air. “. . . who intentionally planned to deceive.”

“I thought you had a sixth sense.”

“Funny, I didn’t smell kryptonite when I walked in.”

“No, NOT funny. You’re beginning to piss me off.”

“Adam, calm down. I’m trying to get you to relax a little bit. Listen to me. There was no blood, no nudity, no explosives. So, it can’t be that bad. You have to trust me.”

Adam was reminded once again of his propensity to overreact. “I’m not used to getting in trouble.”

“No shit, you totally suck at this.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“Amateur.”

“Traitor.”

“Adam?” Mr. Taylor had one of those low, low voices that resonated off the walls with the barest increase of volume. It was time. Adam turned around. 

Tommy squeezed his shoulder. “Go get ‘em, big guy.”

Mrs. Cherry was hard to read. Her eyes always looked a little apologetic. She either sympathized with your bad day or regretted having to kick your ass. As she and Adam passed, she slowed down and whispered. “Choose your battles, Adam.”

Adam was over it, all of it. He was sick of the drama and bullshit manipulation. He knew right from wrong, and if he didn’t end up on top, then fuck it. By the time he entered Mr. Taylor’s office, his scowl preceded him. “Have a seat, Mr. Lambert.” He indicated a chair well-warmed from use this morning. “Relax, I’m not a parole officer. Do you know why you’re here?”

Adam cleared his throat. “Something to do with yesterday after school.”

“That’s right. I have four witnesses who said you and David Bergman decided not to report a volatile incident between Sauli Koskinen and Chase Hopwood. Do you want to explain in your own words what happened?”

Adam told him the story as he had seen it unfold. He was as honest and thorough as his memory would allow. “It wasn’t a big deal. Guys say rude things to each other all the time. Once in a while, somebody gets mad. Nobody threw a punch. Nobody made a threat.”

“I don’t think you should consider yourself a judge of what’s a big deal. The threat was implied in the profanity. Derogatory terms associated with sexual orientation and lewd physical gestures are considered harassment.”

“Harassment?”

“Are you aware of the bullying laws in the SoCal public school system?”

“No, not specifically.”

“Harassment, threats, intimidation are all offenses subject to suspension or expulsion.” Adam swallowed and in his mind the word ‘deportation’ was added to the list. Mr. Taylor continued to glower a few moments longer in order to let the severity sink in. “However, due to the circumstances, the fact that it is a first time offense for all involved, I have taken the liberty to assign the minimum consequences.” Mr. Taylor opened a folder and took out a piece of paper. “Because you are eighteen, you do not need a parent present to officially accept your punishment. You will have to sign this disciplinary referral once I have read it to you. Do you understand?” 

“Yes.”

Mr. Taylor put on his glasses and raised his eyebrows. “Student Conduct Violation #7 – Failure to report an action or plan of action toward another person that could result in prolonged emotional torment or physical harm to any individual present or elsewhere or result in damage to school property.” He took off his glasses and looked at Adam for a response. “Do you understand?”

Adam had never heard a more poorly constructed statement in his life. “Mr. Taylor, if that violation says what I think it does, half the study body is guilty of misconduct #7 every single day . . . and that’s just at lunch alone.”

“Students like yourself should report situations of aggression whether verbal or physical and not . . .”

Adam interrupted him. “Students like myself?” Mr. Taylor closed his mouth and stared blankly. A muscle high on his cheek began to twitch. Adam was ready to call him out. “I didn’t say it was me.”

Mr. Taylor clasped and unclasped his fingers. “Well, then, I sincerely hope you are mistaken, Mr. Lambert.” So, this is what Tommy meant by the mind fuck. Administrators show a magnifying glass on something insignificant and stick their heads in the sand over something profound. “You are assigned one day in-school suspension to be served immediately. You need to sign and date right here.” Mr. Taylor turned the paper around and tapped it with his pen. 

This was total bullshit. Sauli’s punishment was sure to be worse. He had to ask. “Did Sauli get out of school suspension?” 

“Under confidentiality laws, I can’t discuss another student with you.”

“I saw Chase Hopwood’s parents this morning. Who was here for Sauli?” 

Mr. Taylor looked down. “All I can tell you is that I sent Sauli to the guidance counselor. Mrs. Bradford is an advocate for all our foreign exchange students.”

“An advocate? Is he in trouble with the INS?”

“I think we can keep them out of this. If there had been a physical altercation, who knows? Rest assured, your parents will be called.” Adam wanted more answers, but he knew he wasn’t going to get anywhere. “You should read the transcript of the entire incident and note any discrepancies from what you told me just now. I think you will find it accurate.” Adam started to read it. There it was, ‘that word spelled out, f . a . g . g . o . t, right there on the page. The rest Adam skimmed. He was tired of reliving it. He held the pen poised over the definitive line. It felt like a confession as if he were not only admitting wrongdoing but also agreeing with their accusations giving that word significance. He didn’t want to sign it, but he knew if he didn’t the trouble would escalate getting even more attention. It might cause his parents embarrassment. Adam heard Mrs. Cherry’s words ‘choose your battles’ and he saw himself round his A and loop his L like an out of body experience. “Do you have any further questions about your situation, Mr. Lambert?”

As a matter of fact, he did. “I applied to Cal State Fullerton. Will they see that paper?”

“When we receive a request for your transcripts, we must also send attendance and discipline records in your file.”

“Okay.” He couldn’t do anything about it now. Adam got up to leave. “Can I go now?”

“There’s one more thing, Adam.” Adam dropped back into the seat. Mr. Taylor used his first name. Adam had a feeling this was going to be the big one. “It’s school policy that any student who serves a full day suspension whether it be in-school or out of school, is exempt from extra-curricular participation that same day.” Now Adam really felt he might throw up. That’s why Mrs. Cherry was there. She was strict about practice with good reason otherwise kids would find every excuse in the world to avoid the grueling schedule. Any soloist who missed a practice without a doctor’s note would have to forfeit the performance. “Adam, are you all right?” Adam only nodded. “Mrs. Cherry said you would take it hard. She wanted me to explain that you would lose only one of your solos, not both.”

“Which one?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t say.” 

Adam swallowed. “Is that all now?”

“Yes, that’s all. You need to go straight to your locker and get your textbooks. Your teachers will send your assignments via email to . . .” Mr. Taylor checked the referral. “. . . to Mrs. Halifax. Report to room 127. You should be present before the tardy bell.” 

“Okay.” Adam stood, and his legs felt hollow. 

“I’m really surprised to see you in my office, Adam. You’ve only been in here a couple times and both of them were pictures for the newspaper when you won regional vocal competitions. I’m sorry you put a spot on your record over something like this.”

Adam paused at the door remembering everything Sauli told him about beauty and strength. “I’m not.” He made his way to his locker. It was still first period. He hoped he could get his things before the hallways filled up. He was trying to decide what he might need when Tommy abruptly came around the corner. 

“Hey! What happened?”

Adam startled. “Just now, I think my heart stopped. Why aren’t you in class?”

Tommy held up a pass. “I’m getting a library book.”

“Right.”

“What did you get?”

“ISS.”

“Half day or full?”

“All day. Have you seen Sauli? I’m really worried about him. They wouldn’t tell me anything.”

“I dunno, but I can find out. Who did you get, Franklin or Halifax?”

“Halifax.”

“That’s good. Listen, we haven’t got much time. Wait a little while. Work on your assignments hard like a boyscout. Then think of a reason to go up to her desk. Break your pencil or something. Mrs. Halifax has pictures of her grandkids on her computer cart. Say something about how cute they are. When it’s C lunch, tell her you were supposed to be at study table today and ask permission to leave. She’s not supposed to let you go, but she’ll make an exception.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Yeah! It’ll work, I swear. I’ll meet you at lunch and tell you what I found out.”

“I don’t know.”

“Come on, Adam. It’s simple. If you get caught, it’s Mrs. Halifax’s ass on the line for letting you go. And that’s a lot of ass. Tell me you’ll try.”

“All right. I’ll try, now go away.” Then Adam changed his mind. “Wait. See if you can ask around about the snitch. Mr. Taylor already had a transcript in print even before we went in with our side of it. Someone made it sound a lot worse than it really was. He said four witnesses came forward. Megan and Bruce both had reasons not to tell. I’m assuming it wasn’t you.”

“Now that hurt. I said I didn’t mean to tell the truth.”

“So who, then?”

“I’ll find out.” Adam started stuffing his supplies into his messenger bag like he was trying to shimmy into pantyhose. “You really should get a regular book bag, man.”

“Three months . . . three months . . . three months.”

“I hear ya.” The bell rang ending first period. “Okay, gotta run. See ya later.”

Adam was trying to consolidate folders when Danielle bumped his locker door. “What the fuck!!”

“Wow, you’re jumpy.”

“Why does everyone keep trying to scare the shit out of me?”

“I don’t know, babe. I just got here.”

“I’m in kind of a hurry, Danielle. What do you want?”

“Sheesh . . . nevermind.” Adam pulled her elbow as she turned to go.

“Wait. I’m sorry. I’ve had a shitty morning. It’s not your fault.”

“That thing yesterday?”

“Yeah. Now I’ve got to go to ISS the whole day.”

“Ooooh, bad boys are sexy, Adam.”

“Yeah, prison is soooo sexy. I can’t talk to anyone, and I don’t know where Sauli is.”

“I was just going to ask you what’s going on with him?”

“Have you seen him?”

“I drove him to school but not since then. He was acting weird.”

“You’re going to have to be a lot more specific.”

“I picked Sauli up this morning, and we were talking. He’s so excited about running track, and I was telling him about my project over the Impressionists in . . .”

“Danielle, I love you, but the short version, okay? I’m going to be late.” 

“I’m getting to it. Let’s walk.” They started down the hall. “Well, you know that face Sauli gets where he looks like he’s going to burst into bloom with sunlight and fragrance and all the pretty things?”

“Is that how they describe plant mitosis in AP Biology?”

“Hey, I watched 35 minutes worth of slo mo seed germination this morning. I dare you to do that and not hum Debussy all day. Do you know what I’m talking about? About Sauli?”

Adam adjusted the bulky load and imagined Sauli's face. “Yeah . . . I’ve seen Sauli look like that.”

“What’s gotten into him?”

“Why ask me?”

“Because he didn’t turn into a flower until I asked him how YOU were doing.” Adam blushed deep pink from neck to scalp and tried to turn away. “Oh my god . . . dish, NOW!” Danielle pushed him flush with a locker.

“Dani . . .”

“There’s something going on between you two, isn’t there?” Adam shifted his feet and finally just looked into her eyes. His blues betrayed him. “Wow, you’re not even going to try to deny it.” Adam looked around nervously, then dropped his head and shook it softly.

Danielle peered up under his heavy brows. “Oh, baby, you’ve got it bad. When did this happen?”

Adam started to walk again. Danielle kept up. “It’s been there a long time. It just finally surfaced yesterday . . . last night.”

“Whoa, Adam . . . that’s fast.”

“No, not that kind of ‘last night’ just a . . .” Adam whispered. “Just kissing and stuff.”

“So, Sauli feels the same way?”

“I think so.” 

Danielle looked skeptical. “You THINK so?”

“Okay, I KNOW so.” Adam stopped in the middle of the hallway. “God, Dani what am I gonna do?”

Dani pulled him along. She shook her head side to side as she considered the situation. “I think this is going to go either perfectly right or totally wrong, and it won’t matter one bit what you do.”

“That’s all you’ve got?”

“Fate brought the two of you together. It was chance, a fluke in the universe.” Dani went on tip toes and kissed him on the forehead. “Go with your heart, Adam. All anyone can do is wish you good luck. We WILL talk more about this.” They split directions, and Danielle went on her way.

Adam stepped inside the door to room 127 just as the tardy bell sounded. Mrs. Halifax addressed a half dozen other students. Adam recognized only two of them. They were scattered around the available desks so no one was sitting next to anyone else. “Mr. Lambert, you sit right up here.” Of course one of the only seats left was up front. Thankfully it was against a wall. Adam felt too self-conscious about his size to sit in the center.

“Okay, thanks.”

“I was just beginning to explain the ISS rules to all of you, although some of you know them by heart.” A boy three rows back waved to her unaffected by the jibe.

Adam got settled in while Mrs. Halifax read a poster on the wall, a bulleted list including no talking, no sleeping, no electronics, no passes . . . etc. Adam was beginning to think it was an ideal escape from the stress he was feeling. The solitude gave him time to think. Yesterday, he would have been devastated by the loss of a solo performance. His angst would have followed him for hours. Adam rather suddenly realized he wasn’t upset by it anymore. It was a shock to hear at first, but now with time to consider fully the implications, it simply wasn’t a big deal. After his evening with Sauli, everything else was small. In three months, he’d be a graduate. Student Conduct Violation #7 would mean nothing, and singing would not be an extra-curricular activity that someone could take away as if he had to sit time out. Tommy had been right. No wonder he chose to break the rules so often. Adam would not forge ahead if he stuck to the straight and narrow. That was a path followed by others without the passion or ability to make their own way. Adam almost hoped he wouldn’t get accepted to Fullerton, even though practically everyone did, discipline record or not. Adam hit the books for awhile until he had completed most of his assignments for the rest of the week. Then he got out a notebook and started jotting lyrics. He finished the playlist for the disc he wanted to burn for Sauli, and it was heaven to sit in the quiet and daydream of him. He wrote Sauli’s initials in the margin and even though he felt foolish, he couldn’t bring himself to erase it. He had to believe that Sauli was okay. The bell for 4th period rang. In a half an hour he’d ask to go to study table. He’d almost forgotten the set up. Adam loudly broke the tip of his pencil on his notebook. Mrs. Halifax glanced up over the top of her glasses. Adam smiled and showed his pencil for permission to approach. She nodded at him and indicated she had a box on her desk all sharpened and ready. When Adam got up there, he noticed the pictures of her grandkids just like Tommy said. He laughed at what a skilled observer Tommy was. Mrs. Halifax followed his gaze. Adam whispered. “Are those your kids?”

“Goodness no. Those are my grandchildren.”

“Awwww. They’re so cute. I like the one with the messy cake face.”

“That’s Albert, takes after my son. He’s a stinker.”

“You must feel very blessed.”

Mrs. Halifax made a precious face. “Yes, I truly am.”

“Thanks for the pencil.” 

“You can have anything you need, honey.” Adam made his way back to his desk, mission accomplished.

~~~

Once he was free, Adam ducked into the boys’ bathroom until passing period was over. He didn’t know how many people would even notice, but there was no point in asking for trouble. Adam looked left and right. The coast was clear. He walked with purpose toward the cafeteria, but he didn’t quite make it before someone said. Adam?!

Adam turned just as Ali crashed into him. “Adam, I’m so sorry. This is so awful.” She seemed really upset, and Adam worried that maybe it was more bad news.

“Have you heard anything about Sauli? Is he still here at school? Did my parents come?”

“What are you talking about? I don’t know, Adam.”

“Nevermind. Why are you so upset?”

Ali’s eyes bugged as if he had to be joking. “The show, Adam. The opening number!”

“I’ve been in ISS all morning. Is that the solo I lost, then?”

Ali nodded slowly, aware that Adam must not know the whole story. “Oh, Adam, please don’t hate me.”

“Hate you? What for, Ali?”

“Mrs. Cherry wants me to do it. She said she’d have to work the scene around so it made sense for me to be there. She offered it to me this morning, and I said yes even though I knew they had taken it from you. I feel terrible.” Adam was certain now that things work out for the best. He smiled and picked Ali up. He spun her around as she squealed. “Adam!! Put me down.”

“That’s fucking fantastic, Ali!! Congratulations!”

“So you’re not mad?”

“No, no way. You’ll be amazing.”

“But, Adam . . . I can’t sing it like you, not even close.”

“I’ll work with Mrs. Cherry on a new arrangement. We’ll make it yours, Ali, just wait and see. You’re gonna kill it!”

“It’s just so sad, Adam. This is your last show, and I’m just a sophomore. You should be the star.”

“Well, I’m still going to make my solo count. I WILL stop the show, but I like you getting a stand out. It’s kind of like me having the opportunity to pass the torch. This is your time, now, Ali. It’s your turn.”

Ali squeezed him so tight he grunted. “I love you, Adam.”

“I love you too, kiddo. I’m glad how it turned out.”

“I still wish Perry would keep his big mouth shut.”

“What has he done now?”

Again Ali looked surprised. “He’s the one who turned you in, Adam. Perry ratted you out.” Of course . . . it was obvious to Adam now. Strangely, he didn’t even feel like getting even. Perry was too pathetic to take down. He was already a low as low could go.

“Don’t let him get to you, Ali. He’ll never be more than he is right now. I don’t even give a damn.” 

Ali smiled. “Well, Mrs. Cherry gave a damn. She decided Perry needed more responsibilities, so he has to supervise ‘Set Direction Saturdays’ for the next six weeks.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah, you should have seen his face when he said thank you.” Ali almost skipped away she was so happy. Once inside the enormous double doors, Adam scanned the chaos wondering if Tommy had been able to get their table. Sure enough, there he was. He saw Adam right away.

“Fuckin’ ninja, Jedi . . .you’ve made me proud. Did you get the sack lunch?”

“Yeah, they passed them out early. I ate already.”

“It’s good right?”

“No. It was peanut butter and jelly, potato chips, apple slices and an oatmeal cookie.”

“What’s not to like?”

“You have the palate of a first grader.”

Tommy ate. “First graders are the happiest people on earth. I can go up and get you something else.”

“That’s okay. I hate C lunch. All the salads are gone by now.”

Matt was a junior who often sat at their table. They really didn’t know him very well. The only time they ever spoke was lunch. He shook his head. “I don’t know what’s the matter with you guys. If you don’t like what they’re having, you can always get pizza and fries.” He held out an extra soggy slice. Adam explained he needed to watch his figure, and Tommy said he respected his colon. “Suit yourselves.”

“I didn’t come here to eat anyway. What did you find out? I gotta know what happened to Sauli.”

“I asked around. Sauli got OSS. He has to serve tomorrow. Until then, he’s on social probation. He get’s escorted to class by a cadet each hour. There’s no way for you to see him.”

“Did they call my parents?”

“I’m guessing yes. Mr. Taylor usually told my parents to come after school, coz they had to sign for me. Parents are pissed enough as it is, so having to leave work for bad news is just adding fuel to the flame. The school just babysits until our mommies and daddies come get us.”

“Good. I don’t want Sauli to be alone.”

“There’s more. Sauli quit the cheer squad.”

“Why?”

“Their coach was like the Grand Pumba of her sorority in college or something, so she has this rule that if any of the girls get discipline referrals, they all get punished.”

“Punished how?”

Tommy smiled. “I don’t know, but I’d like to imagine it’s sound spankings all around.”

Adam took a fry off Matt’s tray and threw it at Tommy. “Perve.”

“Cocktease.” 

Matt’s eyes got big. “Hey, hands off my fries.”

“Sauli didn’t want to screw up their chances at state this year, so he bowed out.”

“Did you get all this from Megan?”

Tommy downed a gulp of chocolate milk. “Yup. Megan was with Sauli in the guidance office.”

“Was he all right?”

“Yeah. I mean I didn’t see him. Megan said he was pretty calm about everything once he found out no one would revoke his visa over it.”

“Okay, that’s a load off my mind.” Adam sat back in the chair and breathed more easily.

“I mean, seriously, his visa? Why are they making such a big fucking deal out this thing. Did I miss something?”

“No. I’m beginning to think they want it to be a big deal. They want to make some kind of statement. I dunno. I would rather they make an example out of someone else.”

“Hey, I’m sorry about the performance. The rest of us will have to pick up the slack. Fuckin’ Perry was the fourth witness.”

“I heard. He’ll always be a prick.”

“I’m just glad you weren’t kicked completely out.”

“That would have sucked so fucking much.”

“Cherry gave your solo to . . .”

“Ali. I know. I saw her in the hall. She’ll do fine. I don’t mind giving it up for her. It looks like everyone had to lose something.”

“Is Bergman with you in ISS?”

“No. He must have gotten Franklin instead. I wonder what he and Hopwood had to give up?” It was no secret that athletes often got merely a smack on the hand in order to keep them competing for school rank rather than school honor.”

“I don’t know, Adam.”

Matt spoke with his mouth full. “Hopwood’s parents took him home this morning. Coach Meyer asked if he could go OSS today so he could play in the game Friday. Otherwise, Hopwood’s dad was going to kick his ass. He still has to sit out the first half. Bergman forfeited starting lineup, but he can sub in after first quarter. It’s gonna suck coz we can’t afford to get down more than twelve points or we’re screwed.”

Adam was satisfied. “I guess I didn’t expect for all of us to get equal treatment. When you said Hopwood’s dad would kick his ass did you mean, like literally?”

Matt nodded matter-of-factly. “Chase’s dad is a mean son-of-a-bitch.”

Adam looked at Tommy. “That explains a lot.”

“No shit.”

~~~

After the final dismissal bell, Adam was allowed to leave Room 127. He gave all his work to Mrs. Halifax. She smiled at him like she wanted to give him a merit badge. He dumped his bag in his locker, grabbed his keys, and made his way to the office against the mass exodus of bodies. Adam didn’t go in. He could see through the glass. Leila was there and Sauli. Finally, Sauli. Leila was signing a paper for the secretary, then she and Sauli walked out. Sauli saw Adam first, and all he could do was stare. Adam realized the look on his face was unmasked. He recovered before Leila saw him. “Adam.”

“Hey, Mom, can we leave now?”

“Yes, Mr. Taylor explained everything. Sauli has to stay home tomorrow.”

“I know.” Adam noticed that Leila seemed frozen in place. “Are we going to wait for Neil?”

Leila shook her head. “No, he’s going to stay at Jeremy’s tonight.”

“Oh, that’s right.” They started to move. Outside, they stalled again at the wide open entrance. Adam had to get Leila’s attention again. “Mom? I’m parked in the student lot. Is that yours?” Leila had a visitor’s spot up front.

“Yes.” She finally looked at him. “Adam?”

“Yeah?”

Leila seemed too calm. “Take Sauli home. I have to stop by the grocery store.”

“Okay. That’s fine.”

“Your dad called. He’ll be late.”

“Mom, are you okay?”

Leila looked Adam up and down. “I want for you to take Sauli straight home, so you’ll be there when I get back.”

“I will. I promise.”

“Adam?”

“Yeah?”

“You said it was nothing.”

“I know.”

“I have questions. We have to talk later.”

Adam nodded. “Okay.”

Sauli tossed his belongings into the back seat and slid into the passenger side. Adam sank behind the steering wheel and sighed heavily. This day wasn’t over yet. Sauli said nothing and looked at his lap. Adam started the car and reached for the gear shift in the center console. Sauli put his hand on Adam’s before he could shift out of park. Adam looked over at Sauli and was immediately aware of people swarming everywhere. Inside the car, he and Sauli seemed caught in the silent turmoil of a vortex, protected yet devastated by the whirlwind. Adam held Sauli’s hand and squeezed. “They wouldn’t let me see you.”

“I couldn’t talk to anyone.”

“I’m sorry you dropped out of cheering.”

“I’m sorry about your song.”

Adam looked into Sauli’s face wanting a truer reflection of himself than a mirror could provide. He wondered if the openness of Sauli’s mouth meant a pledge was on his mind. He could use a little reassurance. Sauli had said he looked up to Adam like a role model. He also had said he needed a good fuck. Adam wasn’t exactly sure where that left him. Was he a mentor, a partner? “Let’s get you home.” They drove in silence until they pulled up to the house. Adam parked on the street. Walking up to the door was almost robotic. He felt his muscles flex and release, machinery moving. Tension was building like a watch wound too tightly, tired of keeping time. Sauli dropped his bags in the entry and leaned hard against the door unwilling to go another step. Adam was concerned. “Are you all right?”

“Yes.” Sauli shrugged. “No.”

“Talk to me.” Sauli reached out his hand. Adam came forward without resistance and welcomed the warm kiss. “Are we okay?” Sauli nodded they were. Adam pressed his forehead to Sauli’s. “Then I don’t care what they do or what they think. Fuck ‘em, right?” They kissed again only this time, Sauli meant business. He straddled Adam’s leg and pulled at his waist. Adam’s breath halted. When he saw Sauli wasn’t playing, he whispered. “Jesus, Sauli. I . . .”

“I need you, Adam. You don’t understand, I think. I need your body. I have no other way to say this.”

Adam was shaking. “We can’t. It’s too . . .” He combed his hair roughly with his hand. “This is crazy. I’m supposed to be . . . I’m not a . . .” Then in desperation. “There’s not enough time. What if we . . .” Sauli didn’t give Adam an escape. He simply waited for a different answer. Adam’s eyes went wildly dark then something shifted in him. “Come on.” 

They hustled to Sauli’s room and shut the door. It seemed so strange to Adam to be doing this in his house in the daylight. It was sneaky, dangerous . . . fantastic. Adam kicked his flip flops and threw his hoodie on the floor. Sauli toed his shoes and loosened his fly. He fell back on the bed, and Adam climbed after him. He loomed above Sauli just looking at him long and hard enough to make Sauli shudder. The faintest smile appeared on his lips encouraging Adam that yes, yes, this is exactly what he needed. Adam tried not to think, just move. They kissed impatiently while somewhere a clock ticked. This was territory Adam knew well. He could take Sauli there in no time. Adam pushed Sauli’s t-shirt up his chest, and reached inside his pants. The daylight was a new thrill, no shadowy illusions in dark corners. Sauli had a pale stripe of hair from his belly button down and tawny twin moles on the left. He lay there like a model for department store Jockeys, and it had Adam freaking out a little bit. He loved how Sauli was squirming, unsure where to put his hands. Adam tugged Sauli’s pants down to his knees so he could wriggle more freely, give Adam easier access. Adam stroked him first. He watched his hand working until Sauli’s cock was glistening. Sauli writhed on the pillows when Adam licked the underside of his shaft and took the head into his mouth. The air from Sauli’s throat was compressed under the restraint of silence. Adam intended to get Sauli off as swiftly as possible given the circumstances, but it had been so long, he couldn’t help but savor the taste of him. Adam spread Sauli’s thighs so he could nuzzle underneath his balls. He worked his mouth like fingertips, kneading the tender flesh with his lips, caressing with his tongue. 

“Adam.” Sauli’s voice was barely a rasp, but it got Adam’s full attention. Sauli spit on his fingers and smeared the wet between his cheeks. “Please.” Adam got the idea. He moistened his finger in his mouth and pressed his fist into the mattress to make room. He found the spot by touch. Sauli’s pants were bunched down around his ankles now. He lifted his knees and planted his feet. This was what Sauli looked like having sex, and it took Adam a moment to register how real this was. Adam drew tiny circles, and Sauli’s body responded. He inserted his finger in degrees while Sauli voiced a pleasure of muted quarter notes . . . ah ah ah ah. Sauli started stroking himself for Adam was singularly focused. He pushed his finger further still and heard Sauli exhale slow and steady. Then Adam’s finger pushed in all the way, and they both gasped. Adam wanted to move and to stay still. As Sauli ground down, Adam balanced the intrusion with tender kisses under Sauli’s jaw. Adam removed his finger half way and pushed it back in. Sauli’s murmurs continued to rise in intensity. When he said Adam's name again, it had several more syllables than before. Sauli tapped his wrist with two fingers. “More . . . so good.” Adam spit on his fingers and slowly, slowly inserted both. Sauli opened up. Now Adam knew how it was done. Sauli gripped the covers as his hips rose off the bed. His cock, unattended lay snuggly against his belly. Adam pushed Sauli down and leaned over his body. He sucked Sauli’s cock back inside his cheek as he maneuvered his fingers ever more skillfully, twisting and curving them to stroke Sauli from the inside. Adam rubbed against the mattress. The contact was maddeningly inadequate. It didn’t take long. Sauli called out and scrunched up as if he’d been punched. He grasped Adam’s hair while his whole body quaked. Adam released him. Sauli lie there catching his breath. When he opened his eyes, Adam knew he’d done it right. Sauli’s blissed out expression made him twitch. He was hard and uncomfortable, made worse by his attempts to adjust the pressure of his fly. He opened his pants and began to palm himself. Adam had one bent leg on the bed and one flung over the side, tip toes skimming the floor. Sauli snapped into action. He approached from the side and planted his head in Adam’s lap. Adam’s face went slack unable to commit to any specific emotion as Sauli mouthed his underwear. He pulled the head free of its damp confines. Adam supported himself with his arm and rested his other hand on the back of Sauli’s neck. He was getting there so fast it made his eyes roll back in his head. Sauli let him go for a moment and adjusted his angle. Adam opened his eyes just in time to see their reflection in the mirror on the closet. He saw himself half sprawled on the bed. His pants had slipped below his hip exposing the white, white flesh of his ass. His cock disappeared into Sauli’s mouth stretching his lips to the brink. Sauli flicked his tongue across the slit, and Adam sailed over the threshold. He tried to push Sauli away, but it was too late. He made a surprised cry then came hard, totally without warning. Sauli sputtered and took it in the face. “Sorry sorry sorry sorry . . .” Adam lifted Sauli up. Sauli was bespeckled and blinking. 

“Oh my god.” He coughed, but he was smiling. Sauli rubbed his cheek on his shoulder which only smeared it worse. Adam took the edge of Sauli’s t-shirt and tried to help him wipe it off. 

“Jesus, it’s in your eyebrows.” 

“It’s like a gun went off. I’m lucky to be alive.” They were laughing. Sauli lifted his face. “Did I get it all?”

“You missed a spot.” Adam rubbed a drop off the corner of Sauli’s mouth with the tip of his thumb. Sauli deliberately licked it off. Adam just shook his head. “Uhhh, no words. I got nothing. Come on, I’ll get you a cloth.” While they were in the bathroom, Adam heard Leila’s car in the drive. They scampered back to Sauli’s door. “Stay here. I need to talk to her.” 

“What should I do?”

“Nothing.” Adam kissed him. It was a bouncy lip smacking departure kiss that left Sauli empty-handed.

“Adam!”

“What?” Sauli kissed him again. Adam smiled so broadly his eyes squinted. “I’ll come get you for dinner in a little bit.” He pushed Sauli backward. “Take a nap.”

“Actually, that’s an excellent idea.” 

Adam jumped when he heard Leila at the door. He helped her in. She stumbled. “Are those Sauli’s bags on the floor?”

“Uh.”

“It’s not like him to leave them in the way.”

“I’ll get them.” 

“There’s more in the trunk, do you mind?”

“Of course not.” Adam took a couple deep breaths outside. He was on an orgasm rush, and he needed to come down, switch gears. As it was, Adam could giggle through a natural disaster in this mood. He went to the car then put the bags on the counter with the others.

“Where’s Sauli? I got his smoothie juice.” Adam grabbed several items and headed for the safety of the pantry so Leila wouldn’t see him grinning. 

“He’s taking a nap.”

“Oh. Well, he’s had a hard day, I guess.” Adam didn’t bite if that was an invitation to share his own hard day. He and Leila put things away in silence. There were many domestic activities to keep them occupied. Adam heard music again. The plastic grocery bags wisp-wisp-wisped like the fan of bristle brush sticks on drum skin. The dryer tumbled the chords of an upright bass while the glassware in the dishwasher clinked polite piano jazz . . . a prelude to the slow, steady trumpet of the elephant in the kitchen.

Adam examined a box of snack cakes. “Ewww. Why do you buy these things?”

“They’re for Neil.”

“They taste like cellophane.”

“He tells me that’s why he likes them.” Adam grimaced. “Besides, you are not a reliable sugar connoisseur. You wouldn’t even let me get a cake for your birthday.”

“I’m too old for birthday cake.”

“You’re not too old, Adam. Your dad still wants yellow cake with chocolate frosting every year.”

“I thought he just did that for Neil.”

“Nope. He really, really wants cake.”

“Well, I’m not ungrateful. I still appreciate the celebration. I think it’s sweet that you guys take me out to dinner and get me a card.”

“A card with money in it.” 

“You know I’m going to spend it on music or clothes.”

“I wish I could go shopping with you.”

“You could. I mean . . . I didn’t know you wanted to.”

Leila wiped a clean counter. “Your dad kept telling me that I’d have to admit you were growing up sooner or later and let you go. Your eighteenth birthday came and went, and I thought I was in the clear until graduation. It finally hit me today in the principal’s office.” She folded a dishtowel then folded her arms. “I was angry and sad . . . angry because I trusted you to be completely honest with me and sad because I understood why you weren’t. I read that statement I had to sign for Sauli, and I was frustrated because it didn’t make any sense. I still don’t feel like I know what happened, and it seemed like Mr. Taylor didn’t know either, not really. Then I asked to see your paper, and it was already signed, already served. It was so formal. You’re a grown man, Adam. It doesn’t matter what I think or even what I do as if I could do anything, anyway.” Leila stopped. She was getting frustrated with her words. “The point is, you had to do that alone. You did it. I thought maybe you might be upset when I saw you. I even imagined you on the verge of tears like so many other times I came to school to pick you up only to find out you’d had a rotten day because of something someone said to you. But instead, you walked toward me so tall and confident like you’d never let them see you cry ever again.”

“It doesn’t get to me as much as it used to . . . not the same way, at least.”

“But, the conflict is still there, and it always will be. For the first time today, I knew you’d rise above it, no matter what.” She smoothed a strand of Adam’s hair. “So I’m not going pry about your moodiness or give you the third degree. You’re a man now. I can’t ground you for . . .”

“For being gay.”

Leila put her hand on her heart. “Oh, Adam.” 

Adam shrugged. “It’s okay, Mom.”

“Finally.” Leila shook him a little bit. “Finally.”

Adam grinned. “That was easy.”

Leila returned his smile and caressed his face. “There you are. I’ve missed you so much.” They talked and talked. It got dark, and they still were talking. 

Sauli wandered out of his room rubbing his eyes. “Someone was supposed to wake me. I’m starving.” They ordered a pizza, and Adam made a salad. Eber came home in good spirits. Since no one seemed to be concerned about Sauli’s suspension, Eber was the last one to make issue of it. It was Sauli himself who brought it up during that final lull in the conversation when everyone hesitates to call it a night. “Well, I’m afraid I don’t need to get up early tomorrow.”

“You know, I’m not going to school tomorrow either.”

“Adam, I don’t think . . .”

“No really, Mom. We don’t have play practice on game Fridays. I did all my work in ISS today. And, they’re going to dismiss classes to the gymnasium after 5th period for a 2-hour pep session.”

“It’s sectionals, isn’t it?”

“That’s all anyone can talk about at school. Trust me, it will be a wasted day. Besides, I have this terrible cold coming on.” Adam coughed and rubbed his throat unconvincingly.

Leila looked at Eber. He came up with an idea to appease her. “If you two stay home tomorrow, I want you to start on the back yard. I’ve got some new landscaping rock out there. You guys could get the dead stuff out and lay some edging.”

Sauli was excited. “I do this! When my father taught me construction, my uncle also showed me landscaping. I’m very good outside.” 

Adam imagined Sauli in cutoffs with a shovel and a bronze back. That was enough. He was sold. “Deal.”

Leila was still skeptical. “It’s okay, Lee. I’m going in later since I had to stay tonight. I’ll make sure they’re up.”

Adam gave Sauli a subversive wink while Leila and Eber talked it over. They would NOT be able to be good all day.

“All right. I’ll call the school in the morning and tell them you’re sick, Adam. But, I don’t want to make a habit of it.”

They said their goodnights. Adam gave Leila an extra tight hug. Eber lingered downstairs. “I was thinking about watching a movie. You guys in?”

Adam looked at Sauli. “What’s on?”

“I think it’s westerns on AMC. I’ll make popcorn.”

“Okay, Dad.”

“How about you, Sauli?”

“I love cowboys!” It was settled then, a guys’ night of gunfights and the wide open range. Sauli wanted to absorb all things American, not only the aspect of life on the frontier but also of classic films. He and Adam sat close so they could share the same bowl. Adam watched Sauli as much as the screen. 

Half way through the second feature, Eber was audibly snoring. Sauli whispered anyway. “What are you looking at?”

“You. I’m thinking about tomorrow.”

Sauli knew what Adam meant. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“That’s not it, Sauli. I wanted to, so much.” Adam chose his words carefully. “I don’t want to be like Nikko. I don’t want to take advantage of you because it’s convenient.”

“Adam, it was my idea.”

“I know, but . . .”

“I’m not the same boy I was then. I’m not a child.”

“I know.”

“I know what I want. Do you?”

“Yes. I’m going to call Tommy tomorrow and see if he can get us a gig.”

Sauli was delighted. “Really?”

“Yeah. Will you come along and see me sing?”

“Yes, I would love to. I want to go with you.”

“It’s not a real date or anything. I mean, I want to go on a date with you.” Sauli beamed. Adam screwed up his face. “That didn’t come out right.” He tried again. “Sauli, would you like to go out on a date with me?”

“Yes, I would.” They waited for Eber’s next inhale then kissed to seal the deal. They sat back on the couch enjoying the lovely temptation of sitting close without touching. The next thing Adam knew, his dad was tapping his knee.

“Ad . . . hey. Adam . . . go to bed.” Adam started to move but Sauli was asleep on his shoulder. Eber chuckled. “I just remembered that Neil used to do that. You two would fight all night, then fall asleep on the couch. I’d have to pry Neil off you. He held on for dear life.”

“I remember that.” Eber helped Adam get free, but neither of them could wake Sauli. He was out.

“Can we just leave him here?”

“Your mom will be up at the crack of dawn, and you know . . .”

“She’s so noisy.”

“Yeah, here . . .” The two of them managed to hoist Sauli’s slight body into a standing position. He moved his feet enough to stumble while they steered him toward his room. They dumped him. Eber made sure he was under covers. “Well, goodnight, Adam.”

“Night, Dad. Hey . . . this was fun.”

Eber smiled. “I’ll see you in the morning before I go. Your mom will have a fit if you sleep all day.”

“Okay.” Adam climbed the stairs and crawled into his own bed. He gave up trying to figure out how an awful day could end so perfectly. Danielle was right. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do. Fate can give and take away for no reason. Adam thanked the universe for Sauli and fell asleep.

~~~

Adam slipped on some pajama pants when Eber called him to come down. His hair was floofy every which way. After the initial shock of waking, he remembered their arrangement. Adam poured himself some coffee and the two men shared the paper at the table.

“Your mom found this in the Reader this morning.”

Adam read it to himself: Championship hopefuls Mt. Carmel Sundevils will host the favorite-to-win Westview Wolverines tonight, tip off at 7 pm. Two starters for Mt. Carmel will sit the bench at the beginning of their sectional attempt. Senior point guard David Bergman and a teammate were involved in a volatile confrontation with a foreign exchange student and senior Adam Lambert, who most recently graced the pages of the San Diego Reader’s entertainment section having nailed top honors at the Fanfare Foundation’s singing competition last fall. Among the charges were harassment and failure to report an incident on school grounds. Mt. Carmel’s administration was unavailable for comment at printing.

“How can anyone in the city of San Diego give a shit about this at all? Seriously, is this news? I mean, what if practically everything I read in here is just as massively a nonevent as this story is?” 

“Imagine that.” Adam folded the section roughly to throw it in the trash. “Whoa, wait a minute, Adam. Your mom told me to leave it.” Leila was used to clipping articles that mentioned Adam’s name. 

“No way. She doesn’t want to keep this one does she?” 

“It’s not that bad. It’s not like you showed up on the police scanner.” 

“She’d clip it if I did.” 

“Yeah, probably.” 

“You know contrary to people’s perceptions lately, I am not a bad person.” 

“I don’t think anyone believes you’re bad.” 

“Then why have I felt like I’ve committed some kind of federal offense the past two days. I know it seems like we were trying to hide something, but it’s more that we didn’t trust handing it over to them. Do you know how many times kids have called me and my friends freaks? Do you know how many times, we tried to tell someone at school? The message was always the same . . . toughen up! Don’t be a tattletale. They even insinuated that we were asking for it by being different. I finally understand I’ve got to choose my battles and NOW they decide this is a big deal! It’s insulting how everyone has over-reacted about this. I get the feeling people think they’ve become champions for some kind of cause they know nothing about. The fuss makes them feel better like they’re solving a problem when in reality they’re just using it like a check mark off a list so they can ignore the real issue. They want a pat on the back for putting a spotlight on injustice. It was way too fucking easy to make a word . . . an ugly, degrading word the focus instead of facing the real hate behind it. They’re just as afraid as the haters. And the most ridiculous thing is they think they taught ME a lesson about standing up for myself. They think they’ve empowered me somehow now that society has decided it’s worthy of news. Don’t be afraid to speak out, Adam! Fight back. You don’t have to let them get away with it. Defend your right to be a faggot!” Adam couldn’t take it back. It was out there. Eber had let him rant. Now they just stared at each other. 

Eber folded his page. “When you’re strong enough to make your own decisions, you should prepare to be misunderstood. Almost everyone takes the easy way out by putting the burden on someone else. You chose to handle this yourself. It’s offensive to authority when you don’t give them the opportunity to crack the whip or save the day. Independence draws attention, Adam. You’re supposed to blindly play the game.” 

“I don’t want to be like that.” 

“I don’t want you to be, either. Adam, you’re never going to take the easy road. Sometimes that’ll get you in trouble. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you’re honest and brave.” Eber pointed at the paper loosely heaped on the table. “Your mother knows why your name is in that article, and so do I. Let her have her clipping. Okay?”

Adam’s eyes stung. “Okay.”

Eber checked his watch. “I should get to work.”

As soon as Eber stood up, Adam stepped forward and hugged him. “Did you already know?” 

“Yes.” He held Adam by the shoulders. “You’re my child, Adam. Even when there’s distance between us, I still want to know you.” Adam walked him to the door. All of a sudden he felt seven again, wanting to carry Eber’s briefcase and wave to him down the drive. On the steps, Eber looked up at the sky. “I love Fridays.”

“Me too.”

“I forgot. You’re going to have to wake Sauli.”

“I’ll get him. I’m not doing the backyard alone.”

Adam watched Eber go, then he made his way down the hall to Sauli’s room. He opened the door and smiled. Sauli was on his stomach, somewhere under there. All that was showing was his feet. Adam crept closely then lay alongside him. “Sau-li . . . Sau-li . . .” Sauli murmured something that sounded to Adam like go away. Adam started poking him. “It’s time to get up.” Sauli protested louder and tried to swat Adam away. Adam yanked the covers down and rolled over him. He balanced just above Sauli’s body and bounced the mattress. 

“Stop it, Adam . . .”

“Nope, if you don’t get up on three, I’m going to start tickling.”

Sauli started to squirm beneath him. “One . . .” Sauli managed to turn completely around. He wrapped his legs around Adam’s body and pulled him down. Adam grunted. “Two . . .” They kissed. “Three . . ." That kiss had teeth in it. "Mmmmm, I suppose we could stay in bed a while longer.” 

“You have such good ideas.”

“I think I like making love with the sun up.” Adam chewed on Sauli’s ear.

“It’s going to get hot. I should go for a run this morning.” Adam groaned his disappointment into Sauli’s neck. “You could run with me. It would do you good.”

Adam looked critical. “Are you saying I’m fat?”

“No, no, of course not. I like your . . .” Sauli grinned. “. . . your size.”

Adam wiggled. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” Sauli slipped his hands down to squeeze Adam’s ass. “Apparently, it’s your endurance that’s the issue.” Sauli made an uh oh face and cackled.

“AH! Shut . . . UP! That was a fluke, dammit! It’s what I get for letting you go first.” They wrestled playfully on the bed, battling for dominance until neither one could lose. For the first time in Adam’s life he didn’t have to be quiet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam had been stalled for months about what to do with his life after graduation. In one night, his future became crystal clear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long, long time since I posted a chapter for this story. No excuses, but I'm back in the groove. The original four chapters have become five with an epilogue, both well under way. Thanks for the encouragement to finish it. I've never wanted to complete a story as much as I have this one.

Sauli was good with his hands like a sculptor is. Instead of marble, he took base elements like dirt, mulch, and greenery and shaped them into works of art that not only looked beautiful but also sustained life. Adam watched. He watched Sauli dig and plant and irrigate. He helped, but it was Sauli who called the shots telling Adam to hold this and put that over there, etc. Sauli proved strong enough to lift just about anything, but he let Adam do it instead. As expected, Adam was distracted by Sauli’s body, the sun on his naked shoulders, the dirt on his knees beneath threadbare cutoffs. Adam was often in the way, but Sauli didn’t mind. They took a break midday. 

Sauli filled an oversized sports bottle half way with ice. The arctic blast from the freezer perked his nipples under his damp tank top and made him shiver. He added tap water and chugged it without the cap. The excess slipped past the brim and trickled down his sweaty neck. Adam swallowed slowly. The water ran past Sauli’s collarbone, a rivulet that continued to cascade down his chest. Something primal in Adam began to rise to the surface as if he were a superhero, provoked by lust into metamorphosis. Sauli squinted at him with a wry smile unsure what his expression conveyed. "What is it?”

Adam ignored the question. He was completely mesmerized by Sauli’s throat, imagining the taste of salt and earth. Adam put down his glass and came forward. Sauli’s smile waned as he stepped back. When he bumped into the counter, Adam simultaneously lifted him onto the top of it. Sauli put his arms around Adam’s shoulders, and Adam dove in. He lapped at Sauli’s neck, tangy and rough on his tongue. Sauli’s fingers tangled in Adam’s hair. Adam’s hands skidded up Sauli’s thighs and under his shorts. Sauli scooted forward spreading wider. He wrapped his ankles around Adam’s back to keep from losing balance. Adam held him there by the hips but without the leverage of the countertop, Sauli began to slip. Adam lifted him back, and Sauli hit the cabinet door, rattling it. Sauli oomphed. Their mouths connected. Sauli’s lips and tongue were cold and slippery from the ice water. Adam lay his tongue full length atop Sauli’s and flicked the roof of his mouth. It made Sauli wriggle in Adam’s grip. Sauli planted his muddy boot on the edge of the sink. Fuck it, they were going to make a mess no matter what. Adam worked his hand deep inside the leg of Sauli’s shorts and ripped them. Adam squatted down, his unshaven cheek scuffing Sauli’s inner thigh. Sauli grabbed the ledge of the windowsill expecting to tumble swiftly into oblivion.

The phone rang.

“Adam.” Sauli tried to nudge him but got no response. The phone rang again. “Adam, the phone!”

“No! Fuckin’ what? Fuck!” It rang a third time even more insistently. Adam’s voice was a growl. “Just let it go. They’ll leave a message.” Adam breathed hot and moist against Sauli’s flesh . . . waiting. The answering machine beeped on, and Adam heard his mother’s voice. Shhiiiiiiiit. That did it. 

“Adam? Adam, are you there? You’d better pick up. If you boys took off somewhere, there will be hell to pay when I get home. Come on, Adam, pick up.” 

Adam crawled to the phone table. He cleared his throat and hit the speaker button. “Mom?”

“There you are. Where . . .”

“Uh, I was . . .” Adam stayed on the floor and begged his brain to work. He looked at Sauli up there, panting like prey perched in a tree. “We just came in. You know? Working on the yard, remember?”

“Well, I thought you’d have stopped for lunch. Are you eating something?”

Adam whispered, “Oh . . . god . . .” Sauli snorted and fell off the counter laughing. “Yeah, I had a bite.”

“Are you all right?”

“Yup.”

“What was that?”

“It’s just Sauli. Do you want to talk to him?”

“Hi, Sauli.”

“Hi, Mom.” Unlike the angelic lilt of his voice, Sauli looked sinister and sexy as he crept toward Adam on all fours in his torn shorts, one leg of them hanging open like a rag around his waist. Adam shifted to pinch the tightness of his fly.

Leila was going on about them calling it a day. A storm was coming. “I don’t want you to get caught in the middle of it.” Sauli was currently in the middle of sticking his tongue down Adam’s throat.

Adam broke off to repeat back to Leila whatever she had just said. “No, getting caught, no, that would be . . . a disaster.”

“Adam, did you hear me? There’s a storm.”

Adam looked out the window, and sure enough the sky had darkened. “I heard you.”

“You sound funny.”

Sauli had retrieved his drink and shared an ice cube via mouth to mouth. “It’s really hot. I think I’m too hot.” Sauli sat back grinning as if he were contemplating how to torment Adam next. Adam raised a warning brow and whispered, “Stop it.” Sauli just giggled.

Leila suggested again that they eat and drink. She instructed Adam to put out some steaks so they could grill later. 

“That sounds good. I’ll make a salad.”

“Of course you will, but don’t forget the meat.”

“Remember the meat, right.” Adam stood up and opened the freezer. “I’m getting it right now, okay?”

“Okay, love you.”

“Me too. Bye.” Adam clicked the button off and covered his face with both hands. “Oh my god, that was so awkward.” 

Sauli pulled his hands away and gave him a devilish peck on the lips. “Adam, you should eat something.”

“You were not helpful.”

“It serves you right. These were my favorite shorts.”

“Too bad, the casualties of hard labor.”

“So very hard.”

“What am I going to do with you?”

“I’m hopeless.”

“Come on, we have to pick up out there before the storm hits.”

Sauli followed Adam into the yard. They swiftly stored the gardening tools back in the garage, the evidence of their labor carefully concealed as if elves had come in the night. Sauli gave his handiwork one last look over. Adam smiled. “It looks really good, Sauli.”

“We could have done more.”

It really was much darker now. Adam and Sauli stood on the deck for a moment watching the clouds encroach. It would come fast then go just as quickly. The electricity in the air had already pricked the hair on their arms. A fresh breeze swirled round them. There was a sudden stillness dramatic in its intensity like the hush in the audience when the conductor lifts his wand holding the first note at bay a millisecond longer. A rumble of thunder sent them back into the house then it poured. Adam left the patio door open. “Smell that?” Sauli nodded. “I love that smell when the rain tamps down the sand.” Adam admired Sauli’s profile. He was looking longingly out and beyond. “Are you okay?”

Sauli smiled softly. “Yes. I love it here so much.”

“I wish you could stay.” Sauli glanced at Adam then looked down. “Can’t you stay a little longer? I mean after graduation.”

Sauli shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m supposed to go home.”

Adam was cautious. He didn’t want Sauli to be freaked out by how desperately he wanted him. As far as Adam knew, Sauli was fine with them just messing around. “You could maybe ask your parents or something. Maybe they’d be okay with it.” Then Adam had an idea. “Hey, you could tell them you want to get a landscaping job! A lot of the guys get summer jobs pruning hedges and laying mulch at shopping malls. You’d be perfect for it.”

Sauli brightened. “Maybe. They might agree if I make some money, if my father doesn’t need me at home.”

“It’s worth a try, right?”

Sauli noticed how hopeful Adam was, and it touched him. He stepped into Adam’s arms. “Yes, I’ll try.” Adam leaned in for another kiss, ready to skip lunch all over again, but Sauli squirmed. “I’m going to get a shower.”

Adam squeezed Sauli’s supple ass. “You want company?”

Sauli stuck out his lip. “Will you make me sandwich?”

Adam rolled his eyes like it was a huge inconvenience. “I guess so.”

Sauli kissed the tip of Adam’s nose and headed down the hallway. Adam was enjoying this day. He was pretending they were an actual couple, but the words ‘three months’ kept interrupting his fantasy. He stared at a slice of bread like he had forgotten what to do with it when the phone rang again. It startled him back to reality.

“Hello?”

“Motherfucker! You’re totally ditching school, and you didn’t even tell me so I could ditch with you.”

Adam sank casually into a kitchen chair. “Hey, Tommy.”

“Don’t ‘hey,Tommy’ me. You done honked me off, son.”

“I’m sorry. It was kind of last minute.” Adam lied.

“What the hell are you doing all day, anyway? I could cut out before the pep rally and come over, so we can . . .”

Sauli came into the room. “Adam, I’m out of the shower.” He stopped toweling his hair and saw that Adam was on the phone again. “Oh.” He tiptoed to his room.

There was a long pause on the line. Finally, Tommy said, “Oh.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, . . . oh.”

“Oh, what? What does that mean?”

“Oh, nothing . . . just oh, like . . . I get now why Dani gave me the ‘can’t-talk-right-now’ treatment this morning.”

“I didn’t tell her I was skipping out.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

“Are you seriously pouting right now?” 

Sauli came back in with just bottoms on, fresh and exquisitely tan. He spoke softly, “Who’s on the phone?” Adam mouthed the word Tom-my.

“You know what? Why don’t you call me back later when you’ve got a minute.”

“Wait, don’t go like that.” 

Tommy huffed. “I’m listening.”

Sauli slipped like a cat into Adam’s lap. “You knew Sauli was suspended today.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I was going to call you.”

“Riiight, sure.”

“No, I mean it. I want to do a gig.”

Tommy hesitated to reply. “No bullshit?”

“No bullshit. I don’t want to wait for summer. I want to sing now.” Adam was thrilled by the surprise on Sauli’s face.

“What about the spring show?”

“I can do both. I’ve only got one solo now, so fuck it. I’ll do both.”

“I can make a few calls. We won’t be able to headline right away. I heard some buzz about Saturday.”

“Tomorrow!?”

“No, no . . . NEXT Saturday. Is that too soon?”

“The sooner, the better. I don’t want to waste anymore time.” Sauli kissed him tenderly.

“You don’t want to waste anymore time.”

“I just said that.”

“I know, I just . . .”

“Just what?” Adam was distracted as Sauli nibbled his ear. He had a phone kink apparently . . . good to know.

“This is the most fucked up conversation I have ever had in my life, and given our history, that’s saying a lot!”

“No.” Adam gently pushed Sauli off so he could concentrate. “You were going to say something. You want to say something, so say it.”

Tommy sighed heavily. “Look, Adam. It’s just that . . . shit.”

Adam waited until Sauli had turned on the TV. “Say it.” 

Tommy blurted it out. “I’ve got this feeling that in three months I’m going to be talking you off a ledge.” Adam didn’t respond. “Figuratively speaking, of course.”

Adam’s tongue clicked as his mouth suddenly went dry. “Maybe not.”

“Just maybe, huh?”

“You’ve trusted me on less than a ‘maybe’ before.”

“That’s true.”

“I just can’t right now . . . you know?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So we’re okay?”

“Yeah, I guess so . . . Loverboy.”

“Fruitfly.”

“Bitch please. I’ll call you back in a few.”

Adam brought the sandwich he made into the living room and offered it to Sauli. “Here. I’m going to get cleaned up.”

“Don’t you want half?”

“Naw . . . I’ll get something in a minute.”

“Adam?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m so glad you’re going to be singing.”

“I was going to give it up, you know, the rock gigs. I told you my parents convinced me to focus on theater so I could make a living. I didn’t want to admit how much I missed performing, not acting . . . me performing as me, singing. You made me want it again.”

“Is that wrong?” 

“It’s definitely making me reconsider things I thought I’d already figured out. You do that a lot, actually.”

“Shall I be your total ruin, then?” Sauli’s eyes were remarkably blue, and Adam felt as if he could see inside of him. He studied Sauli’s face. He wanted to commit to memory every color, every curve forever. Adam saw in him a child and an old man, a fighter, a lover, a friend. Yes, Sauli would be his ruin. He may as well accept it now. Whether manna or wolfbane, Adam was addicted for life. 

“Why would you say that?”

“Tommy is angry with me, right? He thinks I am a bad influence.”

“No he doesn’t. I mean you influence me, but it’s more like . . . my muse.”

“I would never stand in the way of your dreams, Adam. You must understand this.”

Adam got on his knees and tipped Sauli’s chin up to look at him. “What brought this on?”

Sauli touched his cheek. “It’s nothing. I’m sorry.” Sauli feigned a smile, and Adam didn’t pressure him.

After Adam’s shower, they spent most of the afternoon just hanging out, watching TV, and listening to music. Adam had originally intended to burn another CD for Sauli as a surprise, but it was more fun to make it together. To Sauli’s delight, Adam sang some of the lyrics directly to him. They danced lazily and took a nap above the covers. With two interruptions, they decided trying a third time was pressing their luck. Besides, they didn’t have to be groping in order to enjoy each other’s company. As evening approached, Sauli wanted to help with dinner by making one of his mother’s dishes – a potato salad with apples and mint that he had always loved in the spring. Sauli tried to teach Adam some words in Finnish, but it was a miserable failure. Adam could easily mimic the sound Sauli made, but he had no long term recall of it when it came time for review. So he taught Adam his favorite profanities instead. It made Sauli laugh that those phrases stuck with little effort.

They had a lovely dinner. Leila and Eber praised Sauli lavishly for the yard and the food. Every time Adam believed he couldn’t get any happier, somehow he did. 

Leila went to bed on schedule, but Eber was embarking on one of his movie marathons. It became apparent that neither Adam nor Sauli was going to be able to outlast him for an opportunity to be alone. Adam’s eyes grew heavy. He looked over at Sauli nodding off and smiled. It really had been a perfect day. Adam offered regrets followed by Sauli. Eber called them lightweights. They had one last chance to kiss goodnight in the hall. Sauli whispered, “I love . . .” Adam held his breath. “I love today.” 

“Say it in Finnish.” 

Sauli smiled hesitantly, “Rakastan.”

“Just one word?”

Sauli nodded. “Yes, Rakastan. It is enough.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam woke when he heard his dad trudge down the hall and close the master bedroom with a click. When his door opened, Adam blinked into clarity the shape that entered. “Sauli?”

“Shhh.” Sauli put his finger to Adam’s lips. What was happening? Sauli, in the dark, in his bed. Adam held the covers up so Sauli could cuddle down underneath. His skin was slightly chilled as if he might have been up for a while, waiting downstairs until the coast was clear. Adam wrapped his long arms around him and pulled him snug against his broad, warm chest. Sauli fit perfectly under his chin. He smoothed his hand down Adam’s ribs to his waist, then . . . 

Adam whispered, “I don’t sleep in pajamas.” 

“I noticed.” In one graceful move, Sauli was naked too.

Adam was aggressive. It felt like he had been in a prolonged state of foreplay for hours. He didn’t hold back his impulses. He wanted to sell himself as a lover, to convince Sauli he should stay. His desperation came from a volatile place of physical arousal and emotional angst. Sauli submitted. He was used to a dominant top. Adam called upon his experiences from before, covering his uncertainty with fierceness. It bothered Adam that he had never had sex like this. Sauli knew something he didn’t, and yet Adam was supposed to take charge, to lead them, to make sure they both got all the way there. That had not been a problem for them so far, but now that Adam was approaching uncharted territory, what if he made a mistake? made Sauli angry? made Sauli laugh? Adam went with his instincts. When in doubt, he returned to kissing, his specialty. It wasn’t enough. Sauli had shown Adam how to touch him, how it was done. But, Adam was impatient to prove himself. All technique was lost in his haste. Sauli kept up until the vibe changed from rough to dangerous. With one lunge forward, Adam had Sauli pinned. The slippery tip of his penis more than grazed Sauli’s hole and made them both gasp.

“Adam, stop, stop.” Adam immediately rolled off. He bit his lip, and dug the heel of his hand into his thigh, a counter pressure to ease the ache in his groin. Sauli sat up and pulled his knees into his chest. 

Adam knew that their entire future may very well rest on what he said next. His voice was thin and breathy. “I’m sorry, Sauli. I’m pushing you. I don’t know what I’m doing. Did I hurt you?”

Sauli looked over his shoulder. Adam was afraid of what he might see even in the darkness. “No, Adam. Please don’t be sorry.” Sauli reached out then thought better of it. “I want to, so much, but we can’t . . . not like this. I shouldn’t have come tonight. This is my fault.”

“How is this your fault? I don’t even know what . . .” Adam searched the ceiling. “Please help me understand.”

“I don’t want to talk about this now.” Sauli turned away again.

“What the . . . ?” Adam had to calm down. He pulled himself up and leaned against the headboard. “We have to talk, Sauli. We just have to. You can’t shut me out. I mean, I want to know what I’ve done. What is it?”

Adam stared at Sauli’s back. He had never looked so small and vulnerable. Sauli inhaled sharply. “You didn't do anything wrong. I did." He let his breath out. "Nikko was . . . Nikko and I were not careful. When we broke up for good, I had a test. That was the worst day of my life. I don’t ever want to wait like that again, and you must not either. Okay?”

Adam was ready once again to break Nikko into tiny pieces, when he realized with staggering humility that he had almost done the exact same thing. Sauli was tortured by Adam’s silence. “I tested negative. Do you understand?”

Adam leaned forward and touched Sauli tentatively on the shoulder. “Yes, I understand. It’s okay. I’m glad you told me. Thank god, one of us was thinking clearly.”

Sauli sailed back into Adam’s arms. His voice was tremulous. “I feel so ashamed.”

Adam held him tighter. “No, Sauli, no. You’re brave and beautiful, and . . .”

“I’m clean. I promise.”

“You’re perfect.” Sauli couldn’t get close enough. He finally pushed Adam all the way back and climbed on top of him. With Sauli in charge, Adam learned swiftly where he’d gone wrong. Sauli found Adam’s pleasure points and knew how to use his fingers, his tongue, his teeth. He would do something hard and swift catching Adam off guard then slow it way down unrelenting and mellow. Adam opened up for him. Sauli’s boldness stripped Adam of his own inhibitions. He wasn’t self-conscious. His soft tummy was welcome under Sauli’s cheek. His freckles made no difference since Sauli had them too. His arms and legs were not awkward, but just long and strong enough to support Sauli’s weight no matter what position they were in. Adam breathed deeply of their scent. Their bodies co-mingled just like the rain and sand, the most intimate skin, earthy and sweet like sugarcane. He was intoxicated. Sauli suspended himself between Adam’s legs, then descended carefully so not to crush . . . just a slow grind of his hips, a building of friction. Their kisses were sloppy, their breathing erratic. Adam knew he was going to come, then hovered there on the brink until every nerve ending, every pulse point was buzzing with energy. The slow burn completely ignited an electric current that rippled through Adam’s body. He arched his back and stifled a cry with his fist. Sauli took his time bringing Adam down, then took his turn himself. He stretched Adam’s arms above his head leaving him completely exposed. Adam’s cum was cooling on his stomach as Sauli finished off adding tingling bursts of heat as far as Adam’s neck. Sauli licked a stripe all the way up from Adam’s navel and let Adam suck it from this tongue. They were shaking.

Adam lay Sauli down beside him. He clumsily wiped himself with an edge of the sheet then covered Sauli with the rest. He tucked a pillow under Sauli’s head, then scrambled for a blanket. “Adam. Adam, come here. Stop fussing and hold me.” 

“Okay, okay. I got you. Are you comfortable?”

“Don’t let me fall asleep.”

Adam groaned. “I don’t want you to go. Not, yet.” In the next few moments, things changed. Even though his body began to relax, Adam’s mind was working at lightning speed. Until that night, Adam had one singular focus . . . graduation. After that there existed a foggy zone he habitually called ‘maybe college’ that hovered in his consciousness void of any motivating goal. Now he knew the direction he must go. He would forge the path that made Sauli his own. Yes, to the music . . . of course the singing, but now he would do it for Sauli. This man in his arms was foundation. Sauli gave him a reason. Adam played it out as far as his imagination would go. College was an unnecessary expense and a waste of time. He was free all summer to travel wherever auditions for musicals and theater were happening. He would work gigs with Tommy until he got a callback. Sauli could get a job landscaping. Why not? They’d rent a little apartment. Sauli could enroll in citizenship classes and become a legal resident. Then later, when Adam had built his resume, they’d move to New York where Adam could go for the big time. Broadway had always been his dream when he was a kid belting out showtunes by heart. Then Sauli wouldn’t have to work. He could just belong to Adam. 

Adam looked down and realized Sauli had indeed fallen asleep. He kissed him softly on the head and whispered, “You could be mine.” But what if Sauli didn’t want him? Surely, they weren’t just messing around. Sauli cared. He could feel that. He could believe that. Adam squeezed Sauli a little closer. Sauli stirred then jolted awake.

“What time is it?”

“It’s okay. You were only out for a few minutes.”

“I should go.” He yawned as he sat up.

“Sauli?”

“Yes.”

“Nothing.”

“You must tell me. We talk, remember?”

“It isn’t fair for me to ask.”

Sauli yawned again, casually. “Adam, I have nothing left to hide from you.”

“Were you in love with Nikko?”

Adam’s eyes were glittering in the dark, and Sauli got lost in them. He hesitated before he answered. “I don’t know. I stayed with him so long. He was so familiar to me like a part of myself. Even when it was bad, it seemed right to stay with him. I must have been in love, but I just don’t know. Do you believe me?”

“Yes, I believe you.”

Sauli rolled out of bed and slipped on his pajama pants. Adam grabbed a towel and followed him. One more kiss would have to sustain them until next time . . . some time . . . some day. The present was uncertain. Adam’s voice was low. “Rakastan. I love today. Right? Did I say it right?”

Sauli beamed. “Yes . . . perfectly.”

The creak of the stairs as Sauli descended was like something breaking loose then scattering out of reach. It was the instrumental outro of a favorite rock song, the final guitar solo that isn’t written to end but fades away all the same. Adam strained to hear the sounds of Sauli through the closed door. He stood incredibly still long after he’d grown cold.   
~~~~~~~~~~~

Tommy didn’t call back until Saturday evening when it was all settled. “Okay, here it is. There’s a festival in Riverside County next week.”

“Outdoors! Cool!”

“Well, don’t get too excited. We’re not actually playing the festival itself. One of vendors has a separate thing so he can cash in on the overflow. A club owner in LA who sort of unofficially hired us last summer is booking it. So, there you have it. It’s who ya know, bro.”

“But is it outside?”

“Is it outside? I busted a nut making us a potentially lucrative contact, and you’re only thinking about humidity and hair product.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Yeah, it’s outside. There’s a catch, though.”

“Lay it on me.”

“Not only are we stone cold since last summer, but we’ve got to break out the badass. This crowd is going to be more Zepplin than Ziggy.”

“I don’t give a shit. I’m so fuckin’ desperate to get on stage, I’d do Metallica.”

Tommy’s eyes bugged. “You know you just said that out loud and I heard you, so it’s going to happen now. I’m holding you to it.”

Adam just laughed. “Can we rehearse at Brian’s after play practice this week?”

“Yeah, it’s all set.”

When Adam hung up the phone, he was startled by Neil clearing his throat. “Fuck! Don’t sneak up on me like that.”

“I wasn’t sneaking.” Adam ignored him and went into the living room to watch TV. He and Neil were alone in the house. Leila and Eber had gone to see a movie. Sauli was kidnapped by the cheer squad who took him out for pizza and putt putt, their way of saying thanks for the memories. Neil came home from his sleepover earlier than planned. Everyone at Jeremy’s house was bummed that the Sundevils had lost sectionals. The season was over. It was obvious that he had something on his mind. He followed Adam but kept his distance sitting on the opposite side of the room. He waited for a commercial. “Adam?”

“Yeah.”

“I gotta talk to you.”

Adam gave Neil a sideways glance. It appeared that Neil was legitimately anxious. “So talk.”

“I heard Mom and Dad in the kitchen this morning.”

“Imagine that, given that they live here and everything.”

“Goddammit! Will you just shut up for a second?”

Adam muted the TV and bristled for impact . . . an insult, a threat, a favor. These were Neil’s menu items for conversation, but he wasn’t going to let that ruin his mood. “There. You have my undivided attention.”

Neil started over. “I heard Mom and Dad talking in the kitchen about you. You know, the newspaper and the thing at school.”

Adam shrugged. “What about it?”

Neil started picking at a throw pillow. “I’ve said stuff.”

Adam frowned. “What stuff?”

“Stuff like that guy Hopwood. I’ve called guys gay and queer . . . and faggot. I didn’t say it to be mean. We were just joking around.”

Adam didn’t want to have this conversation. It hadn’t occurred to him what returning to school on Monday was going to be like. Did everyone know? Had this whole ridiculous situation outted him officially? Would Neil be rejected by his friends now? Was it ever going to be over? “Well, according to Student Conduct Violation #7, that’s harassment. So you’d better watch your ass or you’ll end up in the clinker like me.”

“I’m sorry, Adam. I didn’t know. I mean, I kinda knew, but . . . I just want you to know I’m not gonna say that stupid shit anymore. And . . . I’m like, okay with it. I know it doesn’t matter to you, but . . .”

“It does matter.” He and Neil made eye contact, then Adam turned the volume back up on the TV. They watched together without speaking for a while. When Neil finally did say something, Adam muted the TV again without being asked.

“So, are you going to tell them about you and Sauli?”

Adam crossed the room in three steps and yanked Neil out of his seat. “What did you just say?”

Neil was more stunned than scared. “I said . . . you and Sauli.” Adam released him and started pacing. When Neil realized he wasn’t going to die, he felt like he should stick around and get it all out in the open once and for all.

Adam restlessly combed his hands through his hair then crossed his arms then rested his hands on his hips. He couldn’t stand still. “How did you know?”

Neil swallowed. “I just guessed, Adam, I swear.”

“Be honest. Did you eavesdrop on us?”

Neil grimaced at the idea. “No! I’m not a creeper. Jesus.”

Adam started rubbing his chin. “Did I say something that tipped you off?”

“No, you didn’t. I think Sauli’s more obvious than you.”

“Obvious, how?”

“It wasn’t right away. I like Sauli, so I was kind of jealous. All my friends think you’re the cool one, too. I just wanted to be Sauli’s favorite. I know that sounds stupid.”

“No it doesn’t.” This was an awful lot for Adam to take in at once.

“Anyway, when I really started paying attention, I saw it really wasn’t a brother thing for Sauli.”

“Did it show? I mean, me too?”

“No, you’re better about hiding stuff than he is.”

“So when did you know I felt the same way about him?”

Neil couldn’t hold back a smug grin. “You just told me two minutes ago.”

Adam huffed and shook his head. “It’ll be a crying shame if you don’t run for office someday.” Adam returned to the couch. He plopped into it, defeated. “So what are you going to do with this information?”

“Nothing. Maybe this competitive thing we do is getting old. Maybe you’re going to move away soon, and we won’t have to be at each other’s throats all the time.”

“Maybe . . .” Adam was still suspicious.

“Maybe I could go along to the Riverside thing next weekend.”

“Oh, so blackmail is ‘nothing’, huh?” 

“It’s not blackmail! Just hear me out.”

“No. I can’t do it. I can’t be sure you’d be safe, and I’m not babysitting your ass.”

“You don’t have to babysit me. It’s not like I want to hang out with you, anyway. Just listen for second. I asked Mom and Dad if I could go back to Jeremy’s next weekend, and they said no. His brother is having a party. They’ve got a DJ coming and food and girls and stuff.” Adam raised an eyebrow. “They invited me. If you tell Mom and Dad you’re taking me to the Riverside thing, they won’t know you dropped me off at Jeremy’s place.”

“What do I get out of it?”

“The last time you and Tommy let me tag along, Mom gave you money to stay over at a motel so we could drive back when it was safe the next morning.”

“Yeah, so?”

“So, this time, I’ll be at Jeremy’s.” Neil tried to be clearer. “You could ditch Tommy.” Adam was catching on, and his heart began to pound. “I don’t have to spell it out for you, do I?”

“Don’t! Why are you doing this?”

“Jeremy covers for his brother. He’s got a girlfriend. It’s not any different is it?”

“I think you’re spending too much time at Jeremy’s house to be quite honest.”

“I like going over there. They all get along with each other. They like me. I guess when you move out, I’ll stay home more.” Adam didn’t know what to say. “Just think about it. I gotta know by Monday so I can tell Jeremy if I’m going or not.” With that, Neil got up to leave the room. 

Adam stopped him. “It’s just weird that you’ve had this sudden change of heart. Why now?”

Neil pulled at his left ear exactly the way Adam did. Adam didn’t even realize it was a habitual mannerism of his until Dani pointed it out to him. He had asked her why she trusted his opinion so much, and she explained it was because he always pulled his left ear when the cold hard truth was about to come out. “When Mom and Dad were talking about you, they were kind of arguing about me, too. Dad was worried I’d find out you’re gay. He actually thought I’d hurt you somehow. I don’t want to be that guy, that’s all.” Neil shrugged. “I’m not going to be that guy.” After he left, Adam turned the TV off and just sat in the silence. Then he grabbed his keys and headed upstairs. He stopped outside Neil’s door and knocked. “It’s open.”

Adam went in. “You want to go get something to eat?”

“Sure. I want Mexican, though, not some fuckin’ Sushi bar.”

Adam cuffed him on the back of the head. “Watch your mouth.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday came without incident. Adam convinced his parents that the Riverside gig would be a bonding experience for him and Neil . . . and Sauli. He played up the family atmosphere of a festival which was far from the true environment of their destination. He got the usual lecture about responsibility and trust. It helped to get Eber on Adam’s side right away, mentioning that he’d be singing classic rock. Leila knew there was no sense in protesting when Eber dug out his vinyl collection. As predicted Leila offered to pay for a motel. Adam rationalized to himself that Tommy could probably stay at his sister’s place, but the whole plan was nearly ruined when Eber volunteered to go with them to help set up. He wanted to be a part of it. Leila saved Adam the trouble.

“Nice try, Eber. You know we have dinner with the Thompson’s next Saturday.”

“Since when?”

“Since three weeks ago. They had to reschedule because of us last time. We’re going. They’re very nice people.” 

Adam tried to sympathize. “Maybe next time, Dad.”

Eber winked at him. “It was worth a shot.”

When they had a few seconds alone in the kitchen clearing away the supper dishes, Adam told Sauli the plan. “I mean, if you still want to . . .” Sauli touched Adam’s arm and nodded expectantly. They leaned toward one another, but Neil burst in.

“Oops.” Neil shielded his eyes. “Sorry.”

Adam smiled. “It’s all right, we were just talking.”

“Don’t you guys have an Econ test to study for? Or something?”

Adam took the hint. They excused themselves upstairs to Adam’s room . . . to study, which amounted to a couple of notebooks discarded on the floor while they giggled and kissed on the bed.

Sauli pressed the flat of his hand to Adam’s examining the difference. Adam laced their fingers together protectively. “So how did Neil find out about us?”

“He just figured it out. He’s pretty smart. Nothing gets by him.”

“He isn’t going to tell on you?”

“Not this time. I don’t know exactly what came over him, but maybe he’s finally turning into a decent human being.”

“Hardly! We’re all terrible, lying to your parents this way.”

Adam was amused. “Hey, who’s corrupting who? I’m the innocent one, remember?”

“No, you’re not.” Their kisses became deeper, wetter. They put their foreheads together and gripped tighter those hands that wanted to roam. They put ripples in the bedspread moving their feet like treading water until their breaths were even again. It was always a conscious effort to stop now. They were building toward something much more profound than sex, a subliminal connection they couldn’t yet identify. “Adam, we have to get . . . before we . . .”

“I know. I’ll take care of it.” Adam’s smile was weak.

“What’s the matter?” 

Adam shook his head evasively. “Nothing.”

Sauli’s scrutiny made Adam blush. “You’re nervous, aren’t you?”

“Well, yeah. I screwed up last night.”

“No, you didn’t. It was good for us to talk. It was important to me.”

“I don’t mean that part, Sauli. You kind of make me crazy, and I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you.”

“Adam, trust me. You don’t have the heart to hurt me on purpose, and I won’t let you by accident. In case you haven’t noticed by now, I know what I’m doing.”

“See, you talk like that, and I can’t think straight. I don’t know why you put up with me. How did I get so lucky?”

“I’m the lucky one.”

“You’re just being nice.”

“No, I mean it. I feel lucky because everyone remembers their first. I get to be yours. Now, I’m sure you will always remember me.”

Adam’s heart sank. “Sauli, don’t talk like that. I’m not going to forget you, ever. I don’t want to think about us being apart.”

“We must be practical, Adam. This is not a fantasy. I have a plane ticket to Helsinki in my suitcase. My parents are expecting me to come home.”

“But you could change it. Why don’t you ask them right away?” 

“I can’t ask them, just like that.”

“Why not?”

“Because if they have any doubts, they will say no, and that will be the end of it. What if you were in my place, and it was your parents? Do you think they would say, ‘Oh, sure, Adam that is so hunky dory with us!’?”

“You’re right, my parents would never, ever say ‘hunky dory’ about anything.”

“Oh, this is you, when you lose an argument, you make fun of my English.”

“Are we arguing?”

“What if I say yes?”

“Then we get to make up . . . like this.” Adam started suckling his neck.

Sauli shoved his shoulder. “You Americans, the big dreamers. You never accept, no.”

Adam pulled back. “Are you telling me, no?”

Sauli squirmed then finally smiled. “No.”

“Then, that means yes.”

Sauli wrestled Adam over and straddled him. “Adam Lambert, you may be bigger and stronger than I am, but you will not tell me what to do.” 

“I love how you say my name.”

Sauli’s eyes were sparkling, but his delicate jaw was set firm. “I’m serious.” 

“Okay, let’s get serious.” Adam sat up. “You know how I feel about this, and I know I’m being selfish. But, you have to trust me, too. No matter what, I will respect any decision you make.”

“If I leave, will you want nothing more to do with me?”

“If you leave, I’ll just have to find a way to follow you.”

“You would do that?”

“Yes, I promi . . .” 

“No, don’t promise. It’s enough that you mean it right now, today. I won’t ask again.”

There were no further words appropriate to express this new commitment. It was both exciting and sobering, this future beyond a ticking clock, beyond a sprawling map . . . a bond without boundary. They couldn’t speak of it. They read each other’s lips.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam wanted it all . . . the music, the man, the mystery of love. Was it all one and the same thing on stage . . . or in bed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have already outlined Chapter 6! That will definitely be the last one. I hope I don't let you down.
> 
> *EDIT* The word "definitely" doesn't mean what you think it means . . . Ch. 9 may be the end, tho.

On Monday, Dani cornered Adam as soon as he walked in the building and demanded to know what was happening. She tried to deflect everyone’s questions on Friday, but she feared she’d only made things worse. Adam told her not to worry about it. He trusted her with all his truths and didn’t leave anything out about this coming Saturday including the sleepover. “It’s fate, I tell you! Oh my god this is so romantic. And the concert! This is going to be big! I love that you’re singing again.” 

“Hey, I’ve been singing the whole time.”

“Yeah, but . . . you know what I mean.” 

Adam realized that no one had gotten this excited about his vocal competitions or the school shows. Maybe they sensed like he did that this was his true calling. “Can you come?”

Dani frowned. “No, we’ve got family coming in this weekend, but I’ll be there in spirit. And, I expect deets next Monday . . . about EVERYthing.”

“I’m not going to tell you EVERYthing.” 

Dani made an eeeeeeep sound and tickled his ribs. “How are you going to manage to get through this whole week?”

“I don’t know. God, I’m dying, Dani.”

Dani giggled wickedly and kissed him square on the lips. “See you later, handsome.”

Adam knew this first day would be the longest. He wondered if people were still talking about the ‘incident.’ Adam went through the motions as if everything were normal, as if he wasn’t paranoid that everyone was watching. He purposefully dressed better today . . . no hoodie, no flip flops. It was too late to blend in now, maybe he never had. Adam sat in his regular spot in homeroom, and without looking up, he knew. It was too quiet. He could feel it. They knew. They knew why he was sent home. They knew what the disciplinary referral said. They knew it all. The silence in the room was broken by random murmurs. Mrs. Proctor walked in as Adam was about to walk out.  
“Oh, nice to see you back, Adam. How’s that cold? All better?” The class broke into nervous laughter since everyone suspected Adam had skipped school last Friday. Who could blame him?

Adam cleared his throat. “Yeah, all better.” 

“That’s nice.” Mrs. Proctor took attendance, and Adam turned his attention to his book. 

A boy sitting next to Adam teased another boy nearby, obviously wanting Adam to hear. “Love your outfit this morning.” 

“I know, right? I think I caught Adam’s cold.” Again, there was nervous laughter, but Adam didn’t acknowledge them. 

A girl piped up. “Stop that, you guys. Fashion-sense is not an illness. He was born that way.” 

Somebody choked back a giggle. Adam finally looked up from his book, and they were staring. “I disagree, actually. It’s one thing to coordinate, but fabulousness must be cultivated.” There it was, the punchline. 

“Oh, buuuuurrrrrrnn!” The rude boy and the girl gave each other high fives.

“Hey, I can be fabulous.” The well-dressed boy was pretending to be deeply hurt.

“Dude, you know your mom dressed you, so let’s be real.”

This time it was Adam’s turn to laugh. He was enjoying their playful banter. So that was it. He was out, sort of, and it didn’t matter. The guys turned the conversation to how they had been epically robbed of the sectional title. Life went on, after all. 

Adam and Sauli kept busy. Every night after school Adam had practice with the theater and rehearsals with Tommy over at Brian’s with Kevin and Isaac. Adam was driven and brilliant. Training for spring sports had begun. Sauli made the track team along with a new group of friends who swiftly realized what an asset Sauli would be to their running and field events. The coach knew Sauli had been a cheerleader and asked if he would try jumping hurdles. Sauli definitely had aerial ability. He knocked the first one down then flew over the rest without losing pace. The team whispered until the coach spoke up. “Well that settles it. If you’re not playing basketball next year, you’re all trying out for cheerleaders.” Some of the boys snickered.

“Dude, is he serious. I’m not putting on a skirt.” Sauli heard him, but he knew the boy was just jealous. Others were quicker on the draw.

“You don’t wear a skirt, you moron. You get to look up them, though. Right, Sauli?”

Sauli smiled. “Sometimes in the lifts, but it is better to be polite. I was mostly a tumbler.” 

“Hey that’s right! Sauli can do flips and shit.”

“So what? I can do a cartwheel.”

“No you can’t.”

“Watch me!” The boy did a miserable facsimile of a cartwheel.

“Seriously? I can do a better one than that.” 

It wasn’t long until the teammates had gathered to try to outdo one another. “You do it Sauli.”

Sauli didn’t want to be a show off, but it still burned him that some of the boys were making fun like gymnastics wasn’t a real sport. “All right.” Sauli gave himself some distance, and the team cleared a way. Sauli got a running start and landed a combination cartwheel back handspring and three full flips. That shut them up for good.

“Hey, coach? I think we’ve got another high jumper.”

Sauli had found his niche.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam stared in the mirror. His image was changing. He could be more himself at school now, and this concert was beginning to mean more than he realized. It felt like he was getting ready to audition for this life. What if Dani was right? What if this was more than just another gig? Adam was at odds once again with his look. He had wet his hair and pulled product through the ends trying to spike it. He had kept the sides short but longer on the top, and it worked, but something wasn’t right. It was sort of a mohawk . . . a faux-hawk, actually. He applied his kohl liner and a heavy dose of mascara. He approved, but the hair, though. It just didn’t pop. He had gone all blonde last summer, then morphed from chestnut to chocolate, but it wasn’t working anymore. It just wasn’t fierce enough for a rock concert. No way was he going back to natural red. He needed to see an entire palette of options. He grabbed his keys.

“I’m going to the drugstore, you guys need anything?” Sauli was helping Neil with a geography report. He had chosen Finland to present to the class. He was going for the extra credit points by labeling the images on his poster in the native language. He wanted to pronounce them right. Sauli had been feeling a bit homesick again, so it was the perfect distraction. The two of them looked at Adam but didn’t answer him. “Well, do you want something or not?”

Neil was sarcastic. “You can’t go to the store looking like that. You forgot your lip gloss.”

It took a second for it to register that he was still wearing the eye makeup. “Is it that noticeable?”

“It looks really good, Adam.” Sauli liked it a lot.

“Good, then I’m going as is. Fuck it.”

“Suit yourself. Remember, it’s 9 then 1 and 1 again.” Adam was already closing the door, and Sauli jabbed Neil to stop it. 

Adam looked at the rows of nail polish for a couple minutes but decided his ‘go-to’ black would do. Next he headed for the hair color aisle. After a moment or two he wished he’d brought Dani with him like last time. She had a way of knowing which shades out of dozens would suit his coloring. He had an idea what he wanted, but now that he was there, faced with a wall of boxes, he lost confidence. It didn’t help that a couple ladies excused themselves and reached in front of him to get ‘their color.’ They had both smiled wanly, evidently thinking it was cute but a little weird for a boy to be shopping for hair dye. The third woman who approached had beautiful raven locks, and Adam noticed. She felt his eyes and looked back at him a little guarded. Adam smiled, instant charmicide.

“I’m sorry. I’m staring. I just . . . I want my hair to look like yours, the color, I mean.”

The woman was flattered. “Oh, thank you. You know, my hair is quite a bit darker than you have now. You might want to gradually . . .”

Adam was already shaking his head. “That would be the rational thing to do, but I’ve already given into the impulse to just go for it. See, I’m doing a show this weekend, and . . .”

“Are you an actor?”

“Well, . . .” They both looked down at the box in his hand.

“You have a costume, then?”

“Not exactly.” Adam hated that he sounded like a kid dressing up for Halloween. “I’m a singer. I’ve got a band, and . . .”

“Oh.” The woman’s tone changed immediately. She tapped the box. “My hair isn’t really black.”

“It isn’t?”

“No. It’s a very dark brown.” She found her shade and held it next to Adam’s choice. “You don’t want my color, though. My complexion is different than yours. You have such beautiful blue eyes.”

“Thank you.”

She saw that Adam was determined. “Your hair looks pretty thick.”

Adam nodded. “It is. I’ve got a lot.”

“I think it might work. This one is a neutral tone. If you’re going to go with black, then buy styling agents with shine so it will capture the light.” Somehow the woman understood that Adam wasn’t dying his hair to play a character role. It was a makeover, a new identity. She didn’t seem to think it was lame or immature. She gave Adam the confidence he needed. 

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Good luck. Or break a leg, I guess.”

“Oh right! Thanks.” Adam did as she suggested then headed for the front of the store when he remembered something extremely important that made him stop and spin around. He knew even less about this wall of boxes, but he didn’t wait for someone to help him this time. Thank god the only words he needed to know were on the front. He grabbed a brand with a purple box and walked briskly toward the check out. The cashier was a man in his upper fifties. Adam’s palms were sweaty as he put his items on the counter . . . hair dye, high gloss finishing spray, condoms, and lube. Adam stared straight at his name badge. Bill . . . Bill gave Adam a swift glance up and down. Their eyes met. Bill squinted at Adam’s dramatic kohl liner, and asked if that would be all. Adam smirked. “Actually . . .” He looked through the gum and mints by the register and tossed a tin of Altoids on the counter just to mess with him. Bill rolled his eyes because after three years working the night shift, he really had seen it all. Adam was no competition for the after midnight freak show that wandered in buying combinations of goods that made Bill shake his head later. Adam chuckled on his way out. This ‘new Adam’ thing was going to be fun.

Adam did require Dani’s assistance on the application of the dye. Black was a commitment, no margin for error. He intended to do it early enough to get used to it, but the week got away from him. Dani came over Friday night, and they shut themselves in the bathroom upstairs. He hadn’t been this secretive before. He didn’t even tell Sauli. The two of them had decided to keep a discretionary distance knowing what the weekend would bring. They could wait. It seemed to be harder on Sauli. Adam noticed pretty frequently a heat about Sauli’s eyes that made him look away. It felt amazing to be wanted that badly. Tonight, all Adam had said is that he and Dani were going to color his hair for the show, but they were all whispers and giggles about it. 

Leila noticed. “Adam Mitchel Lambert, what are you up to?” 

Neil was certain they were getting excited for nothing. “You guys, Adam thinks there’s a difference between olive and sage. Trust me, you’d better be ready to look surprised when he comes out with that big goofy grin looking exactly the same as when he went in.” Leila wasn’t so sure, expecting peacock blue or purple to be honest. Sauli imagined various versions of his lover beside him, and there wasn’t one that didn’t make him ache a little in anticipation. Eber stayed completely out of it.

They were watching TV when Dani emerged. Dani stared at Sauli long enough for his eyes to ask a question back. Leila was startled. “Oh, Dani, I didn’t see you there. So, is he all . . . finished?” The look on Dani’s face was sort of blissfully blank like her memory of a former Adam had been erased. 

Neil didn’t like it. “Uh oh. Where is he?”

Dani lit up. “You guys just have to see this. Adam?”

By this time Leila, Neil, Eber, and Sauli were all standing waiting for the big reveal. Adam came into the room and put his arm casually around Dani’s shoulders a sparkly mischief in his eyes. He knew even before their chins hit the floor that this was big, almost as big as coming out.

Neil spoke first. “Fuck.”

Leila corrected him. “Neil, don’t say that word.” 

Eber walked up and touched it. He smiled broadly as Adam bent forward. “I like it, Ad. It’s cool.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

Leila was still struggling for the right words. “It suits you, Adam. The color . . . it’s becoming. It is dark, isn’t it? My goodness!”

“Fuck.” Leila glared at Neil again. “Well, I guess all you have to worry about now is falling down.”

“Gee, thanks, Neil.” That was as close to a compliment as Adam was going to get. Then he looked at Sauli, who hadn’t said a word. “Sauli? What do you think?” 

“Olet lapsi yőn . . . niin kaunis . . .” Sauli spoke in Finnish which made Dani laugh a little too loudly. 

Adam grinned. “That sounded like a good thing.”

Sauli blushed. “Yes, very good. I think your performance will be very exciting.” This time Dani coughed so hard, Leila took her to the kitchen for a glass of water. She blamed it on an overdose of ammonia fumes. Neil and Eber went back to watching TV again leaving Adam and Sauli standing there, trembling to touch. They both knew the performance Sauli spoke of had nothing to do with a stage.

Leila came back. “Adam, Dani’s leaving.”

“Yeah, I’ve got company in the morning. I have to share my room with a clutzy cousin. Gonna put all my breakables away.” 

Adam was glad to have a reason to move. Otherwise, he might have stood gazing into Sauli’s eyes all night. “Okay, Mom. I’ll see her out.” 

“Goodnight, everyone.”

“Goodnight, Dani.”

Adam and Dani wandered arm in arm out onto the lawn and stopped at Dani’s car. Dani offered her regrets once again for not being able to make the show. She gave Adam a tight hug. “I just know you’re going to kill it. This is the start of something big, Adam. I can feel it.”  
“I hope so.” Adam was too afraid to jinx it with overconfidence. When Dani pulled away, Adam noticed she was looking past him. He turned, and there was Sauli leaning against a post on the stoop. He waved. 

“Oh, honey. I just can’t with you two.” 

“I can’t either.” 

“Hey, yes you can.” Dani shook him by the shoulders. “Get out of your head, all right?”

“I’ll try.” By now Sauli had migrated to Adam’s side. Dani kissed them both, then got in her car and drove away. 

Adam looked first at Sauli and then all around the neighborhood. It was a typical Friday evening with people coming and going. They wanted to kiss so badly but squeezed hands and headed back for the house instead. Adam stopped at the door before going in. “So, what did you say in there, about my hair?”

Sauli smiled, that soft, sultry spread of his lips that made Adam twitch. “I said that you were a child of the night . . . so beautiful.”

Adam caressed Sauli’s cheek. “You’re not just being nice, are you?” 

Sauli leaned in to whisper in Adam’s ear as he turned the doorknob. “I promise, Adam. Being nice to you is the last thing on my mind.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam slept fitfully, the victim of one stressful dream after another. When he awoke, he refused to let his subconscious get the better of him. He took Dani’s advice and got out of his head. He surprised Sauli by being dressed and ready for a run bright and early. He needed to release some energy. Adam had Saturday practice for a couple of hours. His hair was a big hit. Adam was worried how Mrs. Cherry would react, but she wasn’t there. Perry was running things. That meant they didn’t get much accomplished. Twenty minutes in, Adam realized Tommy wasn’t going to show up. It worried him a little bit. What if Tommy had come down with something or gotten into trouble? No one seemed to know anything. He was at school Friday. When Adam got home, he tried to call Tommy, but there was no answer. The truth was that in spite of Tommy’s rebelliousness, he had never once let Adam down. He’d be there.

Adam ate lightly and drank tea. He hung out by the pool and listened to music. Leila called him into the kitchen for last minute instructions before she and Eber left for their dinner date. She had plenty of money and advice to give him. He was forbidden to drink alcohol and drive or kill his brother on purpose. She ran her fingers through his hair and shook her head. “Be careful. Have fun.” Eber reminded him to lock up.

“I will.” After they left, Adam packed an overnight bag and chose an outfit. He wore acid wash jeans in black, boots, a tank top and leather vest. He customized the look with a skull necklace and studded cuff. He spent almost an hour in the bathroom on eye make-up and hair. Adam reminded himself of his intended audience and kept away from the rhinestones and glitter. The gigs last summer were mostly indoors. Adam wore jackets to the formal ones and costumes to the funky ones. Tonight was different in many ways, so he took his time. He could hear Neil and Sauli clowning around like they often did, and he appreciated the extra few moments alone. Unfortunately that left him room for doubt. This vest had structured shoulders and a collar, but even though they were well-toned, he was a bit self-conscious of his freckled arms. He’d know for sure if he looked all right when he saw Sauli.

Adam nearly knocked Sauli down on his way out the door. “Whoa, there you are.” Adam had seen similar expressions but only on the faces behind a standing ovation, sort of a surprised disbelief mixed with the emotional confusion between cheering and tears. Adam took the words out of Sauli’s mouth. “Oh my god, you look amazing!” Sauli was also wearing jeans, dark blue with peek-a-boo cutaways on the thighs. He had a black v-neck t-shirt and a silver chain. 

“Adam, you . . .” Before he could say anymore, Tommy honked outside. Neil flew down the stairs in a cloud of aftershave that Adam didn’t have the heart to tease him over. “Nothing . . . I’ll tell you later.” They followed Neil down.

“Neil hold up. Come here for a second.” Neil groaned dramatically. “Sauli, please go tell Tommy, we’re on our way.” 

“All right.” Sauli grabbed his bag and left the brothers alone. 

Neil was impatient. “What? If this is the responsibility speech, save it.”

“Too bad. This party is with older kids, right?”

“Yeah, so what?”

“And girls, right?”

“Adam, please don’t do this.”

“Look, I’m not going to tell you what to do . . . just, here.” Adam got in his bag and handed Neil a condom.

“What the hell, Adam?”

“Are you telling me that some girl gets drunk and throws herself at you, you’re gonna say no?”

“I don’t know . . . probably not.”

“Well, now you’re ready no matter what.”

“Okay. Thanks, I guess.”

Adam smiled. “You’re welcome, I guess.”

Neil bolted out of the house, and Adam shut the door. Tommy started bitching right away as was his habit. “What the fuck did you do to your hair?” Adam grinned when he saw him climb out of the full-sized van. They used it only for gigs. It was a dinosaur that smelled of petroleum and tar not unlike how they imagined the Jurassic period itself. Adam knew he was right to trust in Tommy. The nights that started with this van were legendary. 

“Black is beautiful, baby!”

“I’m speechless . . . totally speechless.” 

“Look at you!” Adam loved how Tommy could pull off that big blonde shock of bangs and still manage to look tough. “So pretty.” 

“Thanks, daddy.” Tommy opened the back so they could toss in their bags. Two of the bench seats had been removed to make room for their instruments. Adam had never been happier to see anyone. 

“Hey, why weren’t you at practice this morning?”

Tommy was evasive. “Well, you see . . . here’s the thing.”

“What did you do now?”

“I got kicked out.”

“Mrs. Cherry kicked you out?”

“She really didn’t have a choice. I got suspended for smoking.” Adam stood gawking at him unsure if he should be sorry, worried, or pissed off. “Don’t look at me like that. It’s cool. Rogers is going to take it easy on me. I think I finally wore them down. They want me to graduate even worse than I do.” 

“You’re impossible. Since when are you smoking again?”

“Since yesterday.” There was nothing more to say. Nothing could get in the way of the buzz they both had for this night. 

Adam pinched the epaulets on Tommy’s fatigue jacket from the Army surplus store. “Are you being playfully obvious or cleverly prophetic?” 

Tommy chuckled. “Rogers actually sent me to the guidance counselor for a few brochures.”

“You’re not serious.”

“Hey, it’s the toughest job you’ll ever love.” 

“You’d have to cut your hair, you know.”

“Yeah, that’s a deal breaker.” Adam laughed but their joke made him wonder once again where he’d be after graduation . . . in six months, a year. Right now the only portal to the future that Adam could fathom was that van. Tommy went back to the driver’s seat and started the ignition. Adam made sure for the second time that the door was locked. Tommy honked again. “Come on, we’re losin’ daylight.” They still had to drop Neil off at Jeremy’s and pick up Brian, Isaac, and Kevin. It would take a minute to load the drums. It wasn’t a long drive, but they really had no idea what they were in for. It was best to give themselves a little wiggle room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The traffic became more and more congested the closer they came to the venue. There were homemade signs pointing them down a rudimentary path toward a field. They finally emerged into a clearing and a guy in a bandana motioned for them to roll down a window to pay for a parking place. “Uh, we’re working. Mr. Patterson booked us.”

“What’s your name?”

“Tommy Joe Ratliff.”

The man checked his tablet. “Your band name?”

“Major Tom.”

The man looked skeptically at Tommy’s army jacket and sneered. “Where’s your oak leak?”

Tommy noticed a tattoo on the man’s neck, a skull with a banner that said Desert Storm. “Hey cool. Are you a veteran?”

“United States Marine Corp. Division 1.” 

“What’s your name?” 

“Roy.”

Tommy reached through the open window for a handshake. “Thank you, Roy.”

Adam winced and whispered under his breath. “What is the matter with you?”

Sunglasses covered the man’s expression, but he took Tommy’s hand. “You’re welcome.” The man whistled at a kid to unbar a gate and looked inside the cab at Adam. “Major Tom, eh?”

“Yeah. We used to go by Leathernecks coz I’m a John Wayne fan, but we kept getting booked by gay bars, and he can’t do Donna Summer.” Tommy had flipped his thumb toward Adam.

Adam was genuinely offended. “Oh, shut up. I can to.”

Roy might have been smiling. “You guys play Bowie in your set?”

“Not tonight.”

“Too bad.” He stepped back, and Tommy turned the wheel easing down a grassy path that led to the back of the stage. 

“Nice to meet ya, Roy.”

“Same.”

Adam was stunned. “Who are you, and what have you done with my ax man?”

“Come on! A Bowie-lovin’ marine? That shit’s a sign! You don’t fuck with fate.”

Adam turned to check on Sauli. He was no stranger to the miracles of fate. “They run ten miles before dawn and shoot at things.”

Tommy held up his hand. “Don’t harsh on my destiny, man. That’s so not cool.”

The closer they got, the louder the din of the crowd became. Tommy was scanning the territory, when a guy with an orange flag directed them to a slot beside someone else’s dinosaur van. The boys in the back cheered when they came to a stop. There was already some rockabilly band on stage, but by the negligible applause, it sounded like no one was paying them much attention. Tommy and Adam looked at each other and grinned. 

“Showtime, muthafuckers.” They had help unloading everything. They didn’t expect hired roadies would be schlepping their gear for them, but it was pretty cool. There was a certain amount of haste in their progress that made Adam think the guy running the thing was pretty tired of corn-fed rock and wanted to get the party started. They were just the opening act, less than the showcase but more than a bathroom break. It was perfect really, no expectation.

Once they were settled, Adam came from backstage and peered from the side out at the waiting audience. More were coming from the parking area. It was dusk. In the distance, Adam noticed the twinkling lights from cheap festival rides and the unmistakable funk of deep fryers. He was glad to be away from that scene in an open field with beer and good pot. It looked big from the ground, but up there, on stage, the enormity was overwhelming. “Fuuuuuucck meeeee.”

“Priorities, man, priorit . . .” When Tommy was close enough to see past Adam’s shoulder, his mouth fell open. “Whoooaa.”

Adam teased him. “What’s the matter, Tommy Joe?”

Tommy shook his head. “YOU are definitely not cool enough to play this crowd, choir boy.”

“Oh, I’m totally cool enough? Reject.”

“Wannabe.”

“Shit, this is fuckin’ intense.”

“Balls to the wall, big guy!”

Adam nudged Tommy playfully. “Game on!”

Adam saw Sauli chatting with Brian. He worried that Sauli could get lost out there. Brian offered to introduce Sauli to his dad’s folks. They lived in the area and had come to see him play. He’d already spotted them in the crowd, and Sauli was welcome to stand with them. Sauli politely turned him down. He wanted to be near Adam.

“Are you sure? When I’m working, you know I can’t . . .”

“Adam, I’m sure. This is so exciting! I can see everything just fine back here.”

A guy with radio gear called out. “Five minutes! You guys got five minutes.” 

Adam started to glow. That was the only word for it. He wanted to thank Sauli for everything, for putting meaning back into his life. He wanted to take Sauli into his arms and never let him go. “Sauli, I just . . .” 

Isaac scampered by. “Adam let’s go. We’re on.”

Sauli’s face said it all. “I know. Now, go! I’ll be right here. Go!”

When Adam finally took the stage, they needed a minute to hook up the amps and check for sound. By this time, the sun had set. The audience was migrating to the front of the stage aware suddenly that the real show was starting. There was a restless hum rising in volume. Mr. Patterson asked Tommy if they were ready then stepped up to the microphone. He signaled the crew to turn up the stage lights. Everyone cheered. He thanked the audience for coming out and congratulated them for making this show three times bigger than last year. Mr. Patterson reminded everyone where the porta-johns were and offered the tent on the left if anyone needed first aid which was not to be confused with the concession stand on the right. “Use the buddy system people and drink responsibly.” He asked that everyone be mindful of his neighbor so everyone could have a good time. It was a mini-Woodstock. Then without further adieu . . . “All right, are you ready? (applause) Yeah? (cheers) Our opening act tonight has played for me in Long Beach and WeHo . . .” 

He continued with their resume as Adam stepped closer to Tommy. “Seriously . . . we played in WeHo?” Tommy gave him a side eye and made a motion with his fingers and lips that reminded Adam he was stoned a lot in those days. “Right. Shit, was I any good?” 

Tommy made a sex face. “Oh baby, so good.” 

Patterson finished fluffing the crowd. “These guys are pretty fuckin’ great! Give it up for Major Tom!” The applause was optimistic at best, more like they were relieved to end the waiting. 

Adam turned on. “Good evening ladies and gentlemen. How y’all doin’ tonight?” Among the cheers, he got a few rude comments and catcalls in return. “Oh good, sounds like we’re in the right place. It took so long to get back here, I thought we were in bumfuck Arizona.” There was mild laughter from the drunker set. “Nah, I’m just teasing. Let’s have a round of applause for Mr. Patterson for putting this beautiful night together for all of us!” That got bigger cheers this time. Mr. Patterson made a second appearance from the side and waved. “Yeah, that’s right! Riverside is where it’s happening. This is where the party is AT!” The whistles and cheers were growing more impatient. “Who needs West Hollywood, right? We won’t get fooled again!”

That was Tommy’s cue. The first few bars were met with enthusiasm and more than a little trepidation. Surely they weren’t going to attempt The Who! Then Adam belted a scream to rival Roger Daltrey himself, and they were in it. Won’t Get Fooled Again was their greatest challenge, but Brian had been tweaking his Yamaha and practicing that synth intro since he was thirteen years old. It was too big for Bar Mitzvahs, but tonight? He killed it! Tommy and Adam had picked a set list together. Mr. Patterson had shrugged and said maybe eight would do. Adam was all about rebellion against the establishment lately, and for good reason. They didn’t have a lot of time to learn new material, so they pulled from their repertoire the more mainstream rock titles they already knew. Tommy would have loved to go full metal, but in truth, that would only highlight his guitar skills. Adam finally put his foot down. He wasn’t going to blow his voice on 45 minutes of screaming. After opening with the Who, they made them come back for more with Shook Me All Night Long. The crowd was digging it. Adam loosened up, strutting from side to side and playing with the mic stand. AC/DC left a lot of room for raunchy interpretation. The doubters stopped wondering how these freaky teenagers had balls enough to tackle rock legends before their time. Oh, well. Why not? It worked.

Sauli had an excellent view of the whole show, not just Adam and the band but also the crowd and their reactions. He could even see Mr. Patterson on the opposite side crossing his arms, self-satisfied. Tommy led them all into a Purple Haze and gave Adam’s voice a bit of a break. Just when he had them lulled into a funky high, it was time to exit light and enter night for Enter Sandman (Tommy’s favorite). That’s when the fist pumping and sing-a-longs reached a new level. Some of the toughest guys were giving Adam cred yet again with the sky high notes. They took a risk with Sweet Child O Mine that paid off big! The tender lyric and angsty guitar spun the women into a lusty frenzy. They wanted up on their guys’ shoulders, but it was Adam who let them have it. The guys were impressed once again with Tommy’s shreds, and they were beginning to see this sex machine of a front man might serve a secondary purpose if they got to finish for their ladies what Adam started. In case there was any doubt left, Adam sang Born to be Wild and hit a note even Tommy had never heard him manage. 

Sauli was blown away. He knew Adam was good, but he didn’t expect such a transformation in him. Sauli had experienced firsthand the spark of his charisma, the power of his touch, but he had never witnessed before, anything like this. Adam held almost a thousand people in his hand. They were captivated, totally under his spell, and Adam himself seemed transfixed by the music. His body continued to relay the message of the melody even when there were no words . . . determination, frustration, adoration. He rode the beats and rhythms, possessed by ecstasy unbound. When Adam performed Whole Lotta Love, he seemed to be channeling the great conquerors of centuries past. He got taller. His eyes turned black. The audience was commanded to obey. He pointed at them and said, “Way down inside, honey, you need.” With their faces upturned and their arms outreached, they begged him pretty please. They caught the groove of Adam’s schoolin’ and writhed as a single being when Adam gave them every inch of his love. They never knew what hit them. Major Tom finished their set with Queen’s I Want it All. The crowd was ready to give them everything. It seemed to Sauli that by now, they were willing to leave most of their worldly possessions at the altar of Adam. He owned them. When Adam beckoned them to sing the chorus with him, they obliged with great passion. Sauli watched a sea of people moving and singing in unison. The wave of energy was palpable. When Adam asked if they wanted to meet the band, they did so, so much! Each member got a hearty cheer. Kevin threw a pic to the front row. Isaac had taken off his shirt and was glistening head to toe. Tommy, always uncharacteristically shy on stage gave a stiff salute. Brian returned the rowdy shout out by introducing Adam as their front man. Those cheers were the loudest, and Adam seemed surprised. His smile was dazzling! 

They finished with a reprise. Adam said goodnight and told them they had been a great crowd. He exited the stage and sailed into Sauli’s arms. He picked Sauli up and spun him around. The air was super charged, a tingling almost numbing effect on their skin. The rush of energy was embellished further by the deafening roar of the crowd. They wanted more. The boys froze and looked back at the stage. They wanted an encore. Tommy didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Mr. Patterson was there. “Can you guys go back out there and do one more?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess so.” Tommy and Adam shrugged at each other. They had prepared eight songs. That was it.

“I’d really appreciate it. I don’t think they’re gonna take ‘no’ for an answer.”

Now they were chanting A-dam A-dam A-dam A-dam. “This one’s on you, big guy. What’ll it be?” They’d have to borrow from their summer catalog last year. They huddled up, and broke into wide grins. “Oh yeah. Let’s do it.”

As they casually walked back on stage, they smiled and waved. The cacophonous roar returned. Adam took the mic. “Awww, you guys are amazing! You want another one?” They got a unanimous vote in the affirmative. “Okay, then. We’ve got a little something different. It’s a little sleezy, but I think you’re gonna like it. You trust me?” Again, a resounding yes. “This one’s for our friend Roy at the gate.” There was a single voice louder than the rest, and Adam pointed in his direction. “Semper Fi!” Adam turned his back on the audience and faced his band, all of them wearing wide grins . . . playful, like children. “Boys, we gotta stop fuckin’ around and do some Bowie!” 

They ripped into Suffragette City and suddenly everybody was in love and nothing hurt. It was a private joke for him and Tommy since the song is about a guy trying to get rid of his friend so he can get it on with this babe he just met. Adam did the dirtiest body roll of the night when he sang, “This mellow-thighed chick just put my spine outta place.” Then when he sang, “She said she had to squeeze it, but she, and then she . . .” Adam grabbed a handful. The front row gulped for air. Adam’s filter was gone. Either no one noticed or no one cared that Adam changed the lyric. “There’s only room for one, and here he comes. Here he comes.” It was supposed to be ‘she’ but Adam pointed at Sauli and made him go weak in the knees. The rollicking chorus, “Don’t lean on me, man coz you can’t afford a ticket back from Suffragette City” had the audience delirious with attitude. Adam held the microphone out to the them, and they shouted on cue, “Wham bam, thank you ma’am!” At this point, it was obvious that Major Tom could have headlined, no problem. Adam threw down the mic stand with the last crash of Isaac’s cymbal, and an exclamation point dotted the end of their magical set for good. The crowd was still cheering while the roadies dismantled their kits. Mr. Patterson didn’t want to lose the momentum for the main band. He stopped Tommy and handed him an envelope. 

“You’ll find a little extra in there for you and the guys. You can split it up.”

“Hey thanks, man.” They shook hands. 

“You guys just went to the top of my booking list.”

“Right on! Well, you got my number.”

Back at the van, Tommy locked the envelope in the glove box. They’d sort it out when they got home. Brian, Isaac, and Kevin were catching a ride with Brian’s folks so they could crash in the living room overnight then go back tomorrow. Brian’s uncle had made plans to visit his brother anyway. That left Tommy, Adam, and Sauli to get their own accommodations as was the initial plan. Tommy’s sister lived about forty minutes away. He knew a motel near there with an IHOP across the parking lot. Tommy could drop them off, then they’d meet back up for breakfast around 10 a.m. / check out time. 

“I mean if that’s okay with you guys.” They stood there awkwardly shaking their heads in agreement as if Tommy hadn’t essentially asked them if that was enough time to fuck each other stupid. Adam looked at Sauli and it sounded fine to him. It was decided then. Tommy stopped for a cheeseburger at a drive-thru knowing his sister wouldn’t have an ounce of meat in the house. Adam and Sauli bought large drinks but wanted nothing to eat. They talked only briefly about what a success the show was and how much fun they had. Words really couldn’t do justice to the experience and fell flat on the floorboards. Sauli asked about Tommy’s sister, and he explained what a crazy hippie she was. Sauli shared a story about his twin who was quite the wild one for a girl according to his mother. Tommy felt sorry that his parents had no normal children at all. Adam didn’t even want to start about him and Neil. Then that was it. The rest of the way, they drove in silence. Adam’s anxiety started to rise. He took several deep breaths and tried to relax.

The motel had a vacancy sign lit. Tommy waited until Adam had secured a room. The place looked nice on the outside, but it could have used an upgrade. They gave Adam a real key on a ring. By the time, he had their bags and waved Tommy on, Adam was rattled. Rejecting Dani’s advice, he crept inside his head and tried to think it through. He’d take a shower, and get comfortable. He was pretty tired actually. Sauli probably was too. They’d watch a little TV. Why not? If they fell asleep, that was fine too.

As soon as they were behind a closed door, Adam found that he wasn’t in charge. Sauli made the first move. He squeezed Adam’s hand and pulled him close. They rested their foreheads together and smiled, finally alone. Adam took Sauli in his arms, and they kissed. Sauli took off Adam’s vest. His hands crept under the tank top, and Adam’s heart sped up. 

“Sauli, wait.” Sauli caressed Adam’s downy chest, stuttering over his nipples. “I was going to take a shower, and . . .”

Sauli was completely calm, but the gentle boyishness that Adam expected was gone. This was a different Sauli much more mature than before, older. He changed course, fingers skimming Adam’s waistband. “You look like you’ve been ravaged already. Is it dirty that I want you like this?”

Adam shivered, but his eyes were ablaze. “Yeah, kind of.” Sauli took a step back, and Adam wished he hadn’t said that. “I mean, I just . . .” Sauli stood just inches away, almost touching but not. The magnetic pull between them made Adam feel off balance. “I don’t know what I meant. I’m a little . . .” Adam felt tethered in place like he’d have to ask permission to move. Sauli put his hand on the wall behind Adam so he could remove first one shoe then the other. Adam stopped chattering and watched Sauli undress. He pulled his shirt over his head, rubbed his neck with it, then tossed it on the floor. Sauli licked his lips and loosened his fly. His pants slipped low on his hips. Adam moaned. He could see now how aroused Sauli was. Sauli rocked forward, straddling Adam’s leg. He breathed against his neck. 

“I’m ready, Adam. Have me when you want.” He turned away, the cleft of his ass barely peeking above his briefs, but before he could get any further, Adam seized him from behind. 

“Now. I want you right now.” Sauli turned and wrapped his arms around Adam’s neck. Adam bent Sauli backward, and they stumbled onto the bed. Adam wrestled with his stubborn boots and threw them. Sauli helped Adam off with his shirt then deftly unfastened Adam’s fly and took him out. Adam slid his hands down the back of Sauli’s jeans. He lifted his hips so Adam could pull them completely down. He squirmed out of them with a fitful grunt. It made Adam laugh. “Next time, we’ll start naked.”

“Yes . . . and the next and the next.” Sauli was right. They had all night. Why be so proper? It was time to be themselves, raw and real . . . a different kind of naked.

Adam bounced over to kick his pants the rest of the way off. He got what he wanted from the side pocket of his bag and hoped he wouldn’t fumble around.

“Here. Let me.” Sauli took the packet and tore the foil with his teeth. Adam didn’t watch him or it might be over before they started. Sauli popped the lid on the lube.

“Wait. I want to.” Adam knew what to do. He had touched Sauli like this before. It was the most intimate thing he had ever experienced. He loved how Sauli wriggled and bore down, how his body opened for more. He got off on how Sauli moaned into to his mouth while they kissed. Up until this moment, Adam was turned on by the natural dominance of his personality. Now, Sauli seemed so small, and Adam had never been harder. The objective seemed impossible. As if Sauli had read his mind, he took the lead and put Adam on his back. Adam remembered what Sauli had said, something about Adam being too gentle to hurt him on purpose and that he wouldn’t let him by accident. Sauli climbed across Adam’s lap and sat. He smeared more lube onto Adam’s erection which was almost enough to make Adam come right then. Sauli positioned himself just so, and then it was happening. The pressure drove Adam wild . . . so tight, so hot.  
“Ah . . . AH! ssssssSauli . . .” Adam struggled against every impulse to move. Sauli clenched his teeth then panted through the slow glide down. He squinted his eyes shut then open again. Adam felt it when they had surpassed a barrier. He fisted the sheets and flexed his toes. He was making noises, little gasps in tandem with Sauli. They locked eyes. 

Sauli whispered, “Okay?” 

Adam nodded rapidly. “Yes.” When Adam felt Sauli relax, his own body seized like a coil wound too tightly. Sauli held on. They developed a rhythm, quick on the advance then slow on the recede. Adam was powerful beneath him, untamed, but Sauli kept steady by the grip of his thighs. He had the freedom to bend forward or lean back which gave Adam one exquisite sensation after another. Sauli had never felt this full before. It was alarming at first but the most incredible satisfaction he’d ever known, being able to take Adam completely . . . all of him. 

They had waited until it was right. They’d already made a personal connection and now that they were finally, physically together, every second seemed to strengthen the bond between them. They floated forever in a space where time lost meaning, and now they were about to land. Adam turned his face toward the pillow, and that’s what Sauli had waited for. The O of Adam’s mouth, the pulse in the stretch of his throat, the arch of his back, and the thrust of his hips. Only this time it wasn’t the performance on stage that possessed him. It was Sauli. He took Adam to the place only music could take him before. Sauli made a helpless sound. Adam grabbed him around the waist. He planted his feet and flexed upward, driving even deeper inside Sauli’s body if possible. Sauli was going limp. It was Adam’s turn to take over. He lifted Sauli easily and lay him down. Sauli put his ankles over Adam’s shoulders, and Adam sank deep inside him again. 

“Adammmm . . . oh, so good. Please, please.” 

Adam had never felt higher. “You ready?”

“Yes, please please please.” Adam got a hand between them and seconds later, Sauli threw his head back growling through an orgasm that left his ears ringing.

Adam had never seen anything so gorgeous nor felt anything so deeply. Sauli opened his eyes. He took Adam’s head between his hands twisting his fingers into Adam’s hair. He whispered, out of breath, “Come for me.” Adam did. It started as a flutter deep inside, then spread a fiery heat from his thighs to this chest. He cried out. His face contorted then went completely slack. He collapsed. When Adam was no longer dizzy, he moved off and discarded the condom. Sauli reached for him, and they rolled into each other’s arms all skin and soft kisses.

Adam studied Sauli’s face. His eyes were closed, but he wasn’t sleeping. Sweet sounds escaped his lips. He was so fucking cute. “Sauli?”

“Hmmmm?”

“You’re purring.”

Sauli stretched in Adam’s arms. “I like sex a lot.”

Adam grinned. “That’s just like you, always hiding your feelings.”

Sauli continued to cuddle him. “How about you? How do you feel?”

“Used . . . seduced.”

“Oh really?”

“Yup. You took advantage of my innocence and had your way with me.”

“How does it go? Wham bam, thank you, ma’am?”

Adam laughed. “Exactly! And you’re welcome.”

Sauli touched Adam’s smile. It was an odd sensation to feel Sauli’s fingertips on his teeth, something a child would do. Adam kissed his hand and pressed it to his cheek. Then he kissed Sauli’s lips a long, long time. 

“Adam?”

“Yes.”

“Was it what you expected?”

“No . . . so much more, even better than I ever imagined.”

“I’m glad . . . I’m glad that I was your first.”

“I wish that I could have been yours.” Adam regretted saying it even though it was honest. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t . . .”

“It’s all right. We all have wishes, don’t we?” Before Adam could answer, Sauli changed the subject. “I’m thirsty.”

Adam sat up. “The desk clerk said there was a vending machine on the main floor. I’ll get a shower, then go get some ice and drinks. Shit, we should have brought our little bottles of vodka.”

“I did!”

Adam tapped his nose. “Of course you did! How did I get so lucky with you? Smart, pretty, and sneaky.”

“And horny.”

“God help me. Come on, let’s take a shower.”

“Together?”

“Uh huh.” Adam rolled out of bed, and Sauli followed. 

It wasn’t much of a shower . . . more like ‘Survivor Make-out’ where the goal is to make your partner come before you drown. Sauli continued to teach Adam things. He offered to wash Adam’s back then once he was supple and soapy, Sauli snuggled up close. He bit Adam’s shoulder and rubbed one off between his cheeks. Since Adam’s narrow escape from the wild orgy on the beach last summer, he hadn’t considered again what it might be like to be the bottom. He wasn’t even sure if Sauli would want to reverse their positions, but this shower play was pretty hot. He bent his head under the torrent of the water, stroking himself while Sauli had him. When Sauli finished, he turned Adam around and sank to his knees. Adam decided that shower blow jobs might be in the top three on his list of favorite things. The constant beating of the water on his back along with the sweet heat of Sauli’s mouth made his climax almost zen-like. There seemed to be an endless array of sensations in Sauli’s repertoire. He’d wait and see where the night led them. They had the potential of making each other very, very happy, but Adam tried not to think too far into the future. 

Adam came back to the room with ice, cola, cheese crackers, and trail mix. That and the vodka would have to sustain them through sex camp until breakfast. They had a picnic on the bed drinking from plastic cups and kissing with salty lips. They were talking lazily, and Adam yawned. 

“Are you sleepy?” Sauli looked disappointed.

“No, not really. I’m tired, but I’m awake.”

“I don’t want to sleep until we have to.”

“I don’t either. I wish that this night would never be over.” For Adam, this night represented the short time they had left together before Sauli returned to Finland. He tried not to push Sauli to contact his parents about staying, but he couldn’t wait much longer. 

“Are you all right?” Sauli sensed Adam retreating.

“Yes. I was just thinking I’ve never been happier than when I’m with you.”

Sauli kissed him softly, but he didn’t respond. Adam scolded himself for noticing every time Sauli missed an opportunity to say, ‘me too’ when it probably didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t fair for him to expect Sauli to swear his undying love to Adam just because Adam was head over heels himself. Sauli had been in a relationship before, so he knew the real thing. Adam could only count on what he knew for sure, himself. He knew that Sauli cared for him, and that he chose Adam to be his lover. With time, maybe it could be more, but Adam needed to stay in the present. At this present moment, Sauli had pushed the cups and wrappers aside so there was nothing between them . . . nothing but Sauli’s past, Adam’s future, and a countdown to 10 a.m.

They kissed and touched well beyond good judgment. It was so late, they’d be worthless come dawn . . . once more, just once more. Their muscles never recovered from the last sauna-like shower. Lying down was the only option. They spooned and melted into one another. For Adam this was the most natural coupling of all, more like one body than they were before . . . a single wave that ebbed and flowed beneath the covers in a cycle of pleasure as certain as the moon. Adam was glad Sauli was facing away because with his exhaustion came emotion. To hold Sauli this close, to feel him tremble and call his name, Adam could believe it was love. He hid his tears.

Sauli fell asleep first. Adam lay awake listening to the distant traffic on the highway. His tired old thoughts came and went, thunderous like overbearing semis and sedans that were outdated, in need of tune-ups. Adam wondered when he’d turned into such pussy. What on earth was he crying about? He was 18 for Christ’s sake! with more talent in his fuckin’ pinky than any other male vocalist he knew of. AND he could do pop, rock, Broadway or any fuckin’ thing he set his mind to! Adam, you’ve got prospects in your pocket and a gorgeous blonde in your bed who spent the last six hours with his ass in your lap and his mouth on your dick! Snap the fuck out of it! People spend their whole lives searching for things out of reach but Adam had already been handed so much already without even having to ask. What the fuck would he do with love right now, anyway? Adam refused to be tormented any longer. Have fun, dammit! He closed his eyes . . . gonna live his life balls to the wall, screw conformity and expectation. Who said he had to be in love? Adam drifted off. One settles for less in a bargain for sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Adam had Sauli in his arms, he realized what a handful he could be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are two more chapters coming. I won't give up, but I'm not even trying to plan this story anymore. It is unravelling on its own. I can only thank you for hanging on with me. 
> 
> Also, I am changing the name of the story because the former title reminds me too much of something else. When I figure out how to do that, I'm going to call it "Broken English".

The phone rang. It was a rapid tonal blurp-blurp-blurp-blurp-blurp that made Adam jolt. All he could manage to say into the receiver was, “Huh?” 

“This is your nine o’clock wake up call.” Click. 

“Okay.” Adam barely remembered telling the clerk he’d like a wake-up call. They had to check out and meet Tommy at the IHOP in an hour. Adam returned the receiver to the cradle after two tries. He rolled over. The heavy drapes were framed with pencil thin strips of light, laser bright and daunting. Sauli stirred. Adam shifted his focus to the shadow lying next to him. He hadn’t awakened in bed with another person since he was a child, and he was struck again with the same longing that threatened to keep him awake hours before. Adam scooped Sauli into his arms. He snuggled his nose behind Sauli’s ear and breathed deeply. Something in the way Sauli wriggled, Adam could feel he was smiling. “Are you awake?”

“Noooooo. Shhhh.”

Adam mouthed the nape of Sauli’s neck. Sauli laced their fingers together and pulled Adam’s hand under his chin. Adam spooned him tighter and kissed his shoulder. Sauli turned in his arms, and they were nose to nose.

“Good morning.”

“Mmmorrning.” Sauli hummed against Adam’s lips. “What time is it?”

“Nine.” Sauli groaned and tried to burrow under the covers. He bumped Adam at hip level. “Ow, where do you think you’re going?”

“I’m going back to sleep.”

“Oh no you’re not.” Adam pulled Sauli back to the surface and kissed him. “We have to get ready.”

“Get ready? For what?”

“Pancakes.”

Sauli opened his eyes. “Pancakes?”

“I knew that would get your attention.”

“I don’t know if I like these . . . pancakes.”

“Sure you do. You’ve had them before.”

“Have I?”

“Mmmhmm . . . they’re soft and warm.” Adam caressed the cheeks of Sauli’s ass and gave them a hearty squeeze. “And sticky, sweet.” Sauli winced, and Adam hissed in sympathy. “Oh, sorry. You must be kind of . . . we were so . . .”

“Shhhhh . . . so, so good. Don’t talk . . . just kiss.” Adam smiled and let Sauli have his lips. He fit so perfectly in Adam’s arms, they moved as a single being breathing in tandem like a billows stoking the flame. Soon the heat between them was too much. Adam flung off the covers in one great swoop of his arm, and they lie there exposed to the filtered light of day. The cool air prickled their damp skin. Their hands moved more freely over each other’s bodies, savoring every curve and hollow. Drunk on touch, their fever grew. They ravaged the mattress from side to side, a tangle of arms and legs. Finally, their stomachs slipped together just so, and a slow, steady grind took them all the way there. They had just enough time to shower and dress. Adam checked out over the phone and left the key on the dresser. They carried their bags across the parking lot to Tommy’s van. It was open.

When Adam entered the restaurant and crossed over to Tommy’s booth, there was a lankiness to his limbs and a crookedness to his smile that absolutely marked him in the company of those well-fucked. Sauli was the same, unchanged. It seemed to Tommy that Sauli had never had any guard to let down in the first place. His smile at Adam was the same as before. His eyes revealed everything and yet nothing more than before. It struck Tommy that he should have been paying closer attention even though it wouldn’t have made any difference. Adam was a goner the moment Sauli stepped off the plane. Tommy pointed out how pathetically repulsive they were to every other human on the planet who hadn’t gotten any last night, but behind the good-natured teasing, Tommy was sincerely worried for his friend. When Adam took off his sunglasses, his eyes were underscored by purplish circles. It seemed to Tommy that the twinkle could as easily be there for sorrow as for joy. 

Adam and Sauli giggled through breakfast because absolutely everything reminded them of their nakedness. Tommy talked about the show and future prospects for summer gigs. Adam tried to pay attention. He really was excited by the idea of performing like that again and again. That tired old plan called ‘maybe college’ seemed even further removed from reality now. His parents were going to throw a shitstorm. Much to Tommy’s relief, Adam and Sauli dozed most of the way home. He had a lot to think about. His sister had given him a thorough scolding. Something she said their parents had neglected to do way too often to suit her. He got the ‘put-your-life-together’ lecture which was pretty rich coming from a hippie chic with dreds and no credit cards. Still, she had a point. Tommy checked his passengers in the rear view. Where would any of them be once the tassels were turned? Tommy looked at the glove box. He had double checked the money was still there before he left his sister’s place. He found Mr. Patterson’s booking agency business card inside the envelope with a scrawled message on the back. ‘Could use assistant. Call if interested.’ Tommy couldn’t decide if a desk job was a foot in the door or foot in the grave. The truth was, it was his only prospect besides his half-hearted consideration of the military. Fuck it, why not? Typing was a class he actually passed. Everybody needs a plan B especially when plan A involved a guitar, a street corner, and a can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam’s parents never suspected a thing. Neil stopped by his brother’s room and gave him his condom back. “Hey, how’d it go? The party.”  
Neil shrugged and made a face. “It was okay.”

“Just okay, huh? It wasn’t what you thought.”

“Not exactly. I mean, there was music and hot girls, but . . .”

Adam wrinkled his nose. “Was there a lot of alcohol?”

“Yeah, and it made everyone really douchey. This one girl kissed me, but she was kissing EVERYbody even other girls, and she tasted like beer, so . . . no thanks, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. I’ve seen a lot of girls like that at the parties Tommy and I have played. They hang on and lick your neck . . . no boundaries at all.”

“That’s so gross.”

“Tell me about it. So what did you do?”

“Me and Jeremy went downstairs and played video games. I beat Jeremy’s record and pissed him off.”

“Uh-oh.”

“Naw, he got over it.” Neil turned to go.

“Hey.” Adam tossed the condom back at Neil. “Why don’t you just keep this one? I’ll be moving out one of these days, and you never know.”

Neil smiled sideways. “Whatever . . .” He turned to go again.

“Neil?” Adam wasn’t sure what to say.

“What?” Neil was uncomfortable now, and Adam knew it.

“Just . . . thanks.”

“You know you’re going to have to tell them.”

Adam let out a slow, laborious breath. “I know.”

“They’re going to find out, and then that’ll be . . .”

“I know. I know. I just want to give Sauli more time to settle things with his parents.”

“Is he going to stay, now?” This was news to Neil, and he couldn’t help but sound excited.

“Maybe. I hope so. I guess, it’s kind of complicated with the visa and everything. I have to let Sauli decide how to handle it.”

“Oh, that has GOT to be killing you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that the taskmaster has to sit this one out.”

“Shut up. I’m not a control freak.”

“Oh, okay . . . if you say so.”

“I say so. And, please don’t say anything to Mom and Dad.”

“I won’t.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the days progressed, Adam became anxious about Sauli’s lack of communication with his parents. The longer Sauli put it off, the more Adam doubted Sauli actually wanted to stay in the first place. Adam imagined Sauli saying something like ‘look, Adam, we’ve had some good times, but . . .’ and he had no desire to rush that conversation. Adam couldn’t deny that Sauli was the only thing that had given meaning to his life. His talent, his artistry, his singing . . . the music soothed him, but it lacked meaning without love. Sauli was Adam’s love, and that would be Adam’s muse forever whether Sauli reciprocated or not. He only hoped his commitment prompted him to create more light than dark.

Adam had good reason to believe Sauli felt the same way, but he didn’t feel he could ask for a commitment when Sauli was still struggling with the emotional upheaval of a bad relationship. The only option Adam felt he had was to be supportive of Sauli’s independence. Maybe all Sauli lacked was the confidence to make his own decisions, to show his parents he was a man. 

Adam had an idea. He made prints and a disc of some pictures he had taken of Sauli at his latest track meet. Sauli wanted mementos of his season, but they could also stand as proof to show his parents he was a success on his own. Sauli loved the gesture, but his grin swiftly faded as he flipped from one photo to the next. “Adam, I can’t send these pictures to my parents! They’re all of my ass!”

“Not all of them.” Adam was delighted how they had turned out.

“You’re right, here’s one from the front.” Sauli studied it. “I’m scratching my balls.”

“So that’s what you were doing. I’ll take that one.” Adam snatched it away.

“Touching my toes! Adam, seriously?” 

“And, I’ll take that one, too.”

“Adam?”

“Don’t freak out. I took a lot of pictures . . . a LOT. The light was so good that day. Just keep looking.” Sauli couldn’t be mad. Adam seemed so proud in a kinky kind of way. Finally, the shots more appropriate for journalistic purposes appeared. Adam noticed Sauli’s expression change. “See! I told you. They’re good aren’t they?”

“Yes. I like them very much.” 

Adam beamed. He helped Sauli choose the best action sequences and still poses to send home to Finland, then he kept a few more for himself. Sauli was staring at a close-up. Within the frame, Sauli was deep in concentration visualizing the race ahead. It looked like something that belonged in a magazine. Sauli looked up at Adam’s face. He was gazing at him with an adoration that Sauli wasn’t sure he could trust. 

“You’re beautiful, Sauli.”

“Oh, I don’t know.”

“I do. You’re absolutely stunning, gorgeous . . . like you could be a model, that kind of beautiful.”

“Stop it.” Sauli was blushing now but there was a tone of annoyance that made Adam confused.

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t. You’re so good to me, but you put me . . .” Sauli raised his hand above his head. “You put me up here. It is very far to fall.”

“I wish you could see what I do. Look, you don’t have to take my word for it. I’m going to show some of these to Mrs. Cherry’s husband. He’s a freelance photographer.”

Sauli wasn’t sure he approved. “Why? They’re just . . .”

Adam was frustrated by Sauli’s resistance. “They’re good, Sauli! I’m not just saying that to flatter you. Just let me give Mr. Cherry the disc and see if he can enlarge some of them. He has a lot of photography software. He could put a really cool album together for you.” 

“But, I don’t have enough money, Adam.”

“Let me talk to him. He took some portraits of me for my theater portfolio. He let me have the whole thing for free when I agreed to let him use the portraits for advertisements for his business. Maybe he’d do the same for you. What do you say?”

“Do you really think he would want to take pictures of me? Like modeling?”

“Yes, I really do.” Adam hugged Sauli around the shoulders and rocked him lovingly side to side. “You’re already on your way up here.” Adam indicated that lofty pedestal above Sauli’s head. “You’re making it happen, no one else. No one can put you anywhere you don’t want to go. All you have to do is choose a path, and you’re there. You could be anyone you want to be.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were moments when Sauli clung to Adam in gratitude for the encouraging words and blind faith in him, but if he felt anything else, he kept it to himself. Since that amazing night in the hotel when they had finally given themselves to each other completely, things had changed. Adam and Sauli weren’t talking as much as they used to. School was a distraction that demanded most of their time, and until Sauli decided what he was going to do, there really wasn’t much to say. Still, they craved the connection. The sex overshadowed their communication. They were unbalanced. It seemed to Adam that the more sex they had, the more remote they became. Sauli was quieter and more introspective than ever. Maybe he was confronting again the turmoil of his first relationship. In Sauli’s silence, Adam sensed Nikko was there. He had to give Sauli space or he risked scaring him away.

They were able to catch stolen moments here and there but never as carefree as they had been at the hotel. When they had sex, it was partially clothed, a hot and frantic release. Actually sleeping together was out of the question. One evening, they found the house empty after school which was a rarity. Adam had Sauli bent over the vanity upstairs. They were completely mesmerized by their reflections in the mirror and didn’t hear Neil coming up the stairs. Neil called Adam’s name then suddenly he was outside the door. He knocked. “Adam? Are you okay in there?” Certainly the acoustics in the bathroom had echoed down the hall. 

Adam’s voice was weak and constricted. “I’ll be out in a minute.” Sauli let out an audible gasp when Adam pulled out too fast. Neil went to his room and shut the door. Later that night, Neil wouldn’t look either of them in the eye, and Adam felt selfish to have embarrassed his brother that way. The charade needed to end and soon. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spring break arrived and with it came an opportunity for Adam to know for sure where Sauli stood. Leila and Eber took Neil to a music camp in San Francisco. He was getting very good on piano. They wanted to cultivate his interest and his talent. Participation in camps like this one helped pad a college application maybe even provide a personal reference or two. They were going to stay at a nice hotel while Neil stayed on campus. They felt bad leaving Adam and Sauli alone. Adam assured his parents that somehow they’d manage. Leila warned him about wild parties and asked that he use his best judgment even if that meant everybody slept it off in the den. She and Eber knew Adam was a man now. They had to trust him.

They had no parties. The first weekend of spring break when Adam and Sauli were alone in the house, they were wild and naked most of the time. They left Sauli’s bedroom only for water . . . a drink or a shower. They were insatiable. The hours of the day made no difference. They didn’t even bother to turn on the lights at night. They’d run outside and skinny dip in the pool kissing, long and deep under the moonlight.

It seemed natural to escape to a place where their bodies spoke for them, where they obeyed their most primal drives. Adam discovered that Sauli liked to be chased. At one point, Sauli tripped going up the stairs. Adam caught him. He picked him up. Sauli hung on, his legs around Adam’s waist while Adam slammed him into the wall. Sauli was really into it. His nails dug into Adam’s chest and shoulders, bulging with the weight of him. The angle made the constriction on Adam’s cock too tight to slide much but he hit Sauli’s sweet spot with every jarring heave upward. Adam couldn’t decipher Sauli’s breathless whispers in Finnish, but when he came his eyes flashed open with a look that lacked recognition as if Adam’s face wasn’t the one he expected to see. Adam pretended not to notice, a flashback maybe. He let it go. Without question, they had both lost themselves for a moment.

After two days of few words and minimal nutrition, the third morning they crept out of their cocoon of covers and ate . . . a lot, mostly with their fingers. They had a picnic on the kitchen floor with dishes Leila had left for them. They laughed and talked again, and Adam was somewhat relieved. Sauli spoke openly about his homeland. He shared stories about his friends and his sisters, local triumphs and scandals. It became clear to Adam that Finland had been greatly on his mind lately. He wondered if that meant he was coming to terms with staying put or making his argument for going back. All Adam could do was be supportive and interested. He didn’t lie when he said he’d like to see Helsinki someday for himself. That statement seemed to delight Sauli thoroughly. 

Adam had an excellent idea. They got dressed and went to the mall to shop. Since Sauli’s family was on his mind, this would be the perfect time to buy them souvenirs from California. He selected small garments and jewelry for his mother and sisters, a book for his father. All the items were small enough to fit in a suitcase . . . or a small box to mail. Adam hoped it was the latter. They had an expensive dinner at a quiet restaurant. They toasted with sparkling water. “Rakastan. I love today.” It had become their mantra, a reminder to live in the present, to celebrate the only time any of us truly ever owns, the now. Adam clinked Sauli’s glass, but his smile looked sad to Adam. 

Sauli returned the toast. “Rakastan, sinua.”

“That’s more . . . sinua?”

Sauli scrambled for an explanation. “Yes . . . more. It just means, very much . . . like I really, really love today.”

“Then . . . Rakastan, sinua, Sauli.” Now it looked like Sauli might actually cry. Adam held his hand tenderly. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. I’m just very happy.”

By the time they got home, the sun was low in the sky. They went for a swim. They lounged on the deck under the stars and Adam sang to Sauli. He felt like it. They turned in late and made love cross-legged, cradling each other in the center of the bed, face to face, connected and complete. 

Adam did invite a few friends over to hang out by the pool. They barbequed to Bob Marley, swam, and got glorious tans. But when night came, other neighborhood entertainments drew their company away. They were invited to go along, but they weren’t interested. What they really wanted was to play house. They ate their meals together, watched TV, and slept in the same bed. They continued to work on the yard. Eber wanted it nice for Adam’s graduation when several relatives were coming to celebrate. It became so natural to simply be together that all they wanted was more days just like these. Curled on the couch with a movie, feeding each other popcorn, the very picture of domestic bliss, Adam and Sauli found their Nirvana.

They took a day trip to the beach. After constant berating, they finally agreed to go out with a few in their circle of friends who had also stayed local for their vacations. Major Tom had another gig, closer to home this time and more subdued, but it was work never-the-less. Adam wanted to save as much as possible just in case. Sauli was there the whole time, his smile so full of hope it reminded Adam of his singular purpose to make a life where Sauli was always there. Adam didn’t know exactly what he was going to need in that life, but dreams cost money regardless. The week was nearly over, and Adam’s family was due back soon.

Adam and Sauli spent their last full day alone relaxing by the pool. There was tension between them. The end of vacation also reminded Adam of other endings. He was tired of waiting for Sauli to contact his parents. It never seemed like the right time to bring it up. Sauli was quiet again, thinking. He was sunning while Adam swam. When Adam got out of the water he noticed Sauli was watching him as he toweled off. Sauli’s sunglasses masked his expression, but he liked the idea of Sauli’s eyes on him. “What are you looking at?” 

“I don’t know.”

“Come on. What is it? You’ve been preoccupied all day.”

“It’s nothing.”

Adam’s soaked swim shorts clung to the backs of his thighs and puckered across his cheeks. They were too big for him and slipped on his hips revealing a stark tan line. “It’s something.”

Sauli sighed. “You always do this. You make a big deal out of everything that is nothing.”

“No, I don’t. I just want to know what you’re thinking 24/7.” 

“Of course you do.” Sauli knew he was teasing, sort of. Adam glided over to him and shook his hair playfully. Sauli flexed at the cold sprinkle. “You’re wet.” 

Adam nudged Sauli’s chair with his leg. “Yes, I am . . . very wet.”

Sauli put his hand up under the leg of Adam’s trunks and pinched his cheek where it was cool and rubbery from the water. 

“Ow!”

“Do you know what I’m thinking right now?”

Adam grinned. “Nope, not a clue.” Sauli continued to explore Adam’s flesh deeper inside the confines of the baggy fabric. Adam got turned on that Sauli was brazen enough to feel him up like this in broad daylight where the neighbors could see them. He was being intentionally evasive in order to see what Sauli might do. This exercise in building Sauli’s self-esteem included a little more dominance in the bedroom, as far as Adam was concerned.

In the hotel after the concert, when Sauli was simply aching for him, he was still totally passive. He didn’t grab Adam or force him onto the bed. Instead, Sauli undressed. His power was to ignite Adam’s dominance, make Adam want to take him. It took weeks for Adam to realize the complexity of their dynamic and to begin to understand the depth of psychological responsibility it took to be Sauli’s lover. He blamed Nikko for the mind fuck, but Adam was sorry for his own shortcomings as well. Sauli had been waiting a long time for Adam to make the first move, but he found himself at the mercy of Adam’s insecurity. Adam hoped Sauli had learned by now that he could be more demonstrative when he knew what he wanted. Apparently that’s exactly what he was doing right now, and Adam approved. Adam rocked into his hand, just a little encouragement. It bothered Adam that it was such a turn on for Sauli to act like he was serving him. He couldn’t help it, though. He got high off Sauli’s need.

Sauli smiled and took him by the hand. “Come on.” Sauli guided Adam through the house to his room down the hall. There was something definitive about the way he shut the door that doubled Adam’s arousal. He continued to take instructions. Take those off. Lie down . . . face down. Adam enjoyed being Sauli’s toy, but it stopped being cute when Sauli touched him. His hands felt bigger than they actually were as they swept up his back and down his thighs. He couldn’t see what Sauli was doing, so the anticipation made the slightest contact send tingles up Adam’s spine. The fact that he really didn’t know what Sauli would do next made him question how well he knew him. This was definitely a side of Sauli he hadn’t seen before, and this current situation examined a couple of Adam’s neglected kinks . . . being handled, being watched. He bent one knee to ease the pressure on his erection. He imagined what Sauli saw with him lying there on his stomach, naked and spread. 

Sauli softly patted Adam’s hip. “Adam . . .”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to speak in Finnish. Is that all right?”

It added to the mystery like putting on a blindfold, and Adam went from semi to hard. “Yes.”

Sauli’s caresses were sometimes light like whispers and sometimes heavy, more purposeful until Adam’s entire body was buzzing and supple. Adam lifted a bit to get a hand on his cock, but Sauli said something so gently in Finnish that Adam could easily translate it as a request to be patient. Adam obeyed, but he rubbed against the mattress involuntarily and gripped the sheets. “Sauli, I . . .”

Sauli kindly shhh-ed him and slipped lower behind. His native language was melodic and mesmerizing. He occasionally punctuated his sentences with soft kisses on Adam’s skin. Suddenly, Adam missed the warmth of Sauli’s body and wondered where he went. Still he could feel Sauli’s eyes on him as he wriggled on the bed. When Sauli touched him again, his attention was solely on Adam’s ass, cupping, squeezing, rubbing in circles. Sauli was saying something so husky and dirty, Adam felt flush. Sauli’s hands went in opposite directions exposing Adam’s innermost flesh. It made Adam shudder to think . . . then he didn’t have to imagine anymore. Sauli dabbed his tongue a couple swipes just to wet him.

“Oh! Nuh-no, wuh?” Sauli wasn’t daunted by Adam’s shock. He licked him again, his tongue flat and broad. Adam tried to scoot away, but Sauli had him. “Ah! Ssssauuuuli, Jesus!” This time Sauli thumbed his cheeks even wider apart and darted the point of his tongue over and over Adam’s hole. “Mmmmphuck!” Adam buried his face in the pillow. When Adam could no longer resist bucking backward, Sauli gripped his hips even harder and pushed back, burying his face between Adam’s cheeks, licking and sucking as Adam clenched and opened and clenched again. Sauli gave him some relief with first one then two fingers inside. Adam stopped writhing and let Sauli do him. Adam raised up again to get a hand on his cock, but before he came down, Sauli wriggled beneath him and appeared between Adam’s legs. Adam went up on his knees and grabbed Sauli’s head. “Christ!” Sauli swallowed him down. He pushed in deep to the back of Sauli’s throat. He coughed, and Adam shouted out. He was losing control afraid he might actually smother Sauli with his cock, his balls! His thighs even! Sauli’s face was right there, right down there! It was so sinful how he wanted to grind into it. He had to release the energy that was commanding him to pound into that beautiful mouth. Adam rocked back and grabbed his chest. He pressed his hands into his face then pulled his hair. He went with the momentum and arched into a backbend. Adam gripped his ankles and bounced, but Sauli adjusted . . . still mouthed him, fingered him. Adam seemed on the brink of coming for-fucking-ever. He pushed backward unpinning his legs and slid to the end of the bed until his head lolled off the end. With a strength Adam never suspected, Sauli hauled him back, finished him off, and brought him down. Sauli, so small made Adam feel helpless, and that completely did him in! He was never so grateful to come in his life, just the sweet, sweet release of it. 

Sauli got Adam a cloth and a drink. He laughed. “You look like a big cat.”

“I feel so fuckin’ good.” Adam shook his head sheepishly and put the pillow over his face. “Oh, my god . . .”

“What is it?” Sauli pulled the pillow away. 

“I’m just speechless as all . . . like, totally without words right now.”

Sauli made a shocked face. “YOU, with nothing to say?” 

“All right, all right, smart ass.” 

“Did I do that?”

“Yes, you did, and as soon as I can fuckin’ move, I’m going to do it to you.”

“You’ll have to catch me first.” Sauli pushed off Adam’s body and bolted.

“HOH!” Adam rolled over holding his stomach. “You wicked little bitch. I call ‘No mercy’!” Adam got to his feet and ran after him.

Later, Adam was duck-lipped in concentration applying first aid to the rug burns on Sauli’s knees while Sauli sat on the kitchen counter reading the backs of cleaning products to see if they might get cum out of the carpet. He winced and hissed at the sting of the cotton ball then made a pouty face at Adam. “Hey, don’t even start with me. This was all your fault. Just because you’re some big-shot track star doesn’t mean you can clear the recliner. And I wasn’t finished with you yet.”

“My whole body hurts.”

“So does mine! I’m not that bendy.” When Adam had finished with Sauli, he examined the scuff on his elbow, and decided he’d live. He picked up one of the spray bottles and some paper towels. “This should work.”

Sauli hopped off the counter and gave Adam a swift peck on the lips. “Now we just have to find all of it.”

Adam cackled. “You’re so bad.”

Adam’s definition of true love would need amending over the years, but at eighteen, being in a fit of giggles hunting for cum in the living room with a boy who smelled like almond oil was as good as it got.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The best-laid plans of mice and men, so often go asunder." ~Robert Burns

Leila, Eber, and Neil returned. School reconvened, and Adam felt himself pulling away . . . from all of it. He loved his family and friends. He felt a duty to stay the course until school was over, but after he finished that chapter, he could leave it behind without any trepidation whatsoever. The decision he made so many nights ago to build the future where Sauli was there was Adam’s sole focus. There was only one part still not left up to him. Time was passing fast, and Adam had been unable to convince Sauli to go ahead with his application for an extension on his visa. It seemed to Adam that the hesitation had something to do with Sauli’s fear to ask, his doubt that he deserved that kind of happiness after what he had put his parents through. But this time, when Adam casually mentioned it, he got no resistance. After all the weeks of gentle nudging, Sauli finally talked to his parents. He explained he had a plan to get a job and share an apartment. Both of those goals were true although they lacked any definitive detail. His parents resisted several days before finally agreeing that Sauli’s ‘visit’ to the US had been an incredible benefit to him. They weren’t sure if staying longer would make Sauli stronger, but they could tell by his pleading voice that coming home would surely slow his progress maybe even set him back. The Lamberts were doing a good job. Sauli neglected to tell them that he hadn’t asked the Lamberts yet. When the time was right, he and Adam would have to reveal their plan. That particular timing would be up to Adam. 

Adam began to believe that his dream was nearing a reality. Now they could prepare for what was next. In their imagination, job opportunities were easily established, apartment rent totally affordable when divided by two or maybe three if Tommy would come live with them. Why not? Adam bargained for it all. He really considered no other option now that Sauli was easy to steer. Sauli consulted with the guidance counselor, and she helped him fill out the necessary forms. Then the waiting began, and everything started to fall into place.

Adam shined in the spring musical. Mrs. Cherry had called in a favor from an old acquaintance and gotten a casting judge from LA to come see Adam sing. After his stellar performance, he was offered an opportunity to audition for the LA production of Wicked. It was no promise, just a chance. That’s all the hope Adam needed to face his parents with confidence and explain that he had a very different idea for his future than they had anticipated.

When Adam told his parents the good news, they were confused. “You’ve got an audition?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a really good feeling about it.”

“It’s a summer tour, or something?”

“No . . . it’s a job, a full-time job with the company if I get in.” Adam corrected himself. “I mean, WHEN I get in.” 

“How are you going to make that work with your classes this fall?” They still didn’t get it.

“I’m not going to Fullerton.” Adam gave his parents enough time to hear it but not enough time to voice a protest before he proceeded. “It’s a salaried position. I’ll be able to rent an apartment and take care of myself.”

“In LA?”

“Yes, in LA? This is my dream. This is my future. I want it. I want to support myself doing what I love, not studying about it behind a desk. I’m ready now. You always said if I could get my foot in the door, I could make a living at it . . . singing. This is my chance, and I’m going for it.”

“What if you audition but you don’t get a call back?”

Adam was rarely boastful, but at this point he gave his parents a blank stare. “Are you serious? Okay, fine. If, and this is a huge IF . . . IF I don’t get a call back, I’ll just keep trying until I get a bite. There are lots of shows in LA local and touring. I’ll make contacts. I’ll take chorus if I have to. It’ll happen.”

“If you’ve already made up your mind, then why are you asking for our permission?” Eber was firm.

“I’m not. I just wanted you to know what I’ve decided to do. I was hoping for your support. That’s all.”

“Look at this from our perspective, Adam.” Leila’s mouth was tight. “It’s a lot to absorb all at once. Graduation is only a couple weeks away, and you’ve already decided not to go to college. You’re moving to LA to go it alone, and . . .”

“I won’t be alone.” Adam took Sauli’s hand. It was the first display of affection in front of his parents. “Sauli’s going with me. We’re moving in together.”

Leila put her hand on her forehead, and Eber rubbed his chin. They were simply unable to process any more information right that minute. 

Finally Eber spoke. “Sauli, do your parents know about this?”

“Yes, I called them. I have applied to have my visa renewed. They are uncertain, like you, but they gave me their blessing. They want me to stay, to be sure. They do not want me to be sorry to come home.”

Leila tried to understand. She had often felt like there was something below the surface. She saw the way they looked at one another when they didn’t realize she was watching, but she explained it away. Sauli had always admired Adam, and maybe Adam had a crush. But, she didn’t allow herself to consider the possibility of a relationship. She pointed at their hands. “How long has this been going on?”

“A few weeks now. We weren’t trying to be sneaky, just discreet. We really care about each other, and it just happened.”

Eber scratched his head. “Again, I have to ask, do your parents know about this, Sauli?”

“I will tell them as soon as my visa is renewed. I know they will be happy I am seeing a nice boy now. It’s a long story.”

Leila and Eber looked at each other, but neither could think of anything to say. 

“I promise I’m not rushing into anything. I’ve had nothing but time the last few weeks to think about it. It’s just the first time I’m telling you.”

“Okay?” Leila seemed just as shocked as Eber that she had spoken. “I mean what else is there to say. It isn’t what your father and I would choose for you right now. We wanted you to go to college, but it won’t mean anything to you if it isn’t what you want.” She glanced at Eber and shrugged.

“Adam, your mother and I aren’t going to pay your bills. If this is the way you’re going to go, then you’ve got to be able to support yourself financially.”

“I will, Dad. Sauli is going to work too. There’s tons of landscaping jobs in LA, and he might even model for Mr. Cherry.” 

“So you’ve got this all figured out, then.”

Adam looked at Sauli, and Sauli smiled back. “We do. We really do.” Adam remembered what Dani had said. All they could do was go for it and hope for the best. “You don’t have to do anything but wish us luck.”

“I have a feeling you’re going to need it.” Leila elbowed Eber in the ribs, but only because she had decided not to say it out loud. In spite of the sweet hope on her son’s face, Eber only said what she was thinking herself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Adam sang at graduation, it was the end of a chapter in his life he would always cherish. Looking out at his fellow classmates, he knew that everything up to that moment had prepared him to finally move forward, to make a start, to live his dream. He locked eyes with Sauli, and he knew it would be all right. It was as if he felt his story being written word by word, and he couldn’t wait to turn the page. He often recalled that vision of Sauli in a sea of scarlet and golden robes where his past, present, and future collided if only for a moment.  
Adam and his friends had said temporary goodbyes as they each headed home to receive pats on the back and cards with money. They knew they’d see each other a few more times over the summer before their expectations took them separate ways. Adam appreciated everything his family had provided for him, but he wanted this part to be over already. It was difficult to avoid all the probing questions about his future. He merely explained he had a few auditions lined up and that he had been accepted at Fullerton. Both were truthful. When Leila said it would be easier to tell everyone his plans after he was settled, Adam didn’t argue. This was a happy day, a worry-free celebration. Adam wanted to sit back with his feet up, put his arm around Sauli and . . . only a little longer. Adam endured the same nostalgic stories about his childhood when he had first begun singing. He had heard them so many times, he’d learned to tolerate them by now. In a way, Adam’s graduation was just as much their accomplishment as his. Being raised in a loving environment was incredibly significant in Adam’s success. He didn’t mind sharing it. 

The party was outside where everyone could admire Sauli’s handiwork in the yard. Adam was proud of him. He also felt that the more he praised Sauli for his skills, the more likely, they could make his getting a job as a landscaper happen. He realized too late that he was gushing over the lushness of the bush poppies and found everyone staring at him. “They’re my favorite,” was all he could think to say. As the sun was sinking lower toward the horizon, the last of the guests had wandered across the lawn to their cars. Adam was kissed and pinched and wished well. Leila passed. She saw Adam but went to Sauli instead. Her brows were furrowed but then softened quickly when she had Sauli’s attention. Sauli turned and smiled at Adam. Adam winked back. It must be nothing. Suddenly, Eber was playing host in Leila’s stead. He and Adam would bring up the rear. The two of them waved down the street, tall and stalwart showing their departing guests exactly what was supposed to happen at times like this, another Lambert joining the ranks of men. They went into the house together, and the silence was rather alarming given the former resonance of festivities. It felt ominous somehow.

“Where’s Sauli?”

“He’s with your mother.”

“Is everything all right?”

“He’s trying to call his folks but having a hard time getting through.” Eber had that look.

“Oh my god, did someone die?” Adam was already headed for the hallway, but Eber brought him back.

“No. That’s not it.” Adam let himself be pulled onto a chair at the table as his knees turned into an awkward jelly. All of a sudden he thought he might throw up, and he didn’t even know why. He found himself staring at the kitchen table. He knew every spot, every groove. After so many lectures and letdowns in his youth, he knew this place particularly well as the ‘life-lesson seat’. He sat there when he had to be told that Eber’s temporary layoff meant they couldn’t take a vacation when he was ten and what it meant when their beloved Maggie had to be put down when he was thirteen. On that table, the crack where the leaf went was perfect for toothpicks to trace, when lips were too tight to speak and eyes were too misty to meet. 

“Adam . . .” Eber started, but Adam had a feeling he wouldn’t finish unless Adam was strong enough to look up.

He was strong enough. “Just tell me.”

“Adam, Sauli’s visa renewal was rejected. He has to go home.”

“Why?!” Adam was ready to fight it.

“They don’t have to give a reason, Adam.”

“Where’s the letter?” The chair skidded backward as Adam stood up. He found the envelope on the counter and tried to make heads or tails of it. He sat again and pushed it toward Eber. “Explain it to me.”

Eber picked it up and held it at arm’s length without his glasses. He read as Adam angrily huffed air in and out of his nostrils like a bull ready to charge. “It doesn’t say anything, Adam. It just says, ‘lack of evidence to warrant extension at this time’ and that’s it, no specifics.” 

“Lack of evidence? Like what?”

Eber tossed the offensive document aside. “I’m guessing since Sauli was on a student visa, he should have had some proof of enrollment, like an acceptance letter to college.”

“But he was going to get a job. He put that on the application.”

“Did he have a work permit?”

“Not yet!” Adam was up and pacing now. “We can get him a job right away and reapply, right?”

“No, Adam. I know a little bit about this because of one of our managers, his nephew. He was a student in France. That’s what gave me the idea for us to be a host family. When did Sauli submit the application?”

Adam looked at the ceiling trying to remember. “It was four or five weeks ago.”

“See, that’s too long. Sauli’s visa expires in less than two weeks. Even if he could re-apply, by the time he heard back, he’d be in what they call ‘overstay’ so the renewal would be void as soon as he went out of status.”

It occurred to Adam that his parents must have already discussed his part just in case. “There has to be something else.” Adam sat there in absolute defiance of the situation. To Eber he seemed smaller, younger . . . a child again fighting tears, refusing to submit to a hard truth, his mind scrambling for an alternate reality. Adam took a sudden breath as if his body had been waiting for permission to function, as if going on was a voluntary decision. When Adam tried to speak, at first only a tremulous sigh emerged. “You know, Dad, I saw a movie once about a guy from France who got married so he could stay in the states, and . . .” Adam only whispered. “They won’t even let us.”

“I’m sorry, son.” 

Adam studied that table until the pits and clefts in patterns of stairs stopped climbing and melted into whorls of caramel and tears. Finally, he heard Sauli’s bedroom door open and Leila’s soothing voice. When Sauli stepped into the light, his face was splotchy with raw pink patches across his cheeks. Adam wanted to be strong for him. He stood up and held Sauli close. Leila and Eber left them alone. Adam wasn’t ready to give up. This couldn’t be over yet.

“Look, Sauli. I know what we can do. I’ll take my graduation money and buy a plane ticket, and then . . .”

“And then what, Adam?” Sauli sounded grave.

“And then . . . I can get a job there.”

“Singing?”

“No, I’ll do something else.”

“Like what?”

Adam frowned. “You don’t think I can do anything else?”

Sauli crumbled. “No, Adam! No, I mean you cannot speak the language, and Finland has so few opportunities. That’s why I came here, and you cannot be a citizen.”

Adam squeezed his wrist. “Shhhhh. Shhhh. I’m sorry.” He pulled Sauli nearer and pressed his lips to Sauli’s temple. “Shhhhh.”

They cried together. They kissed and held hands. They went to Sauli’s room, lay down on the bed, and fell asleep in each other’s arms.  
Leila woke them later for dinner. When they emerged from Sauli’s room and wandered into the kitchen together, no one said a word. It was understood that they were allowed to make their own decisions now for as long as Sauli remained. In the days that followed, Sauli called his parents several times. They assured Sauli that once he returned home, they’d sort things out. His life would make sense again. They’d make a new plan for his future. He would be happy. Sauli had to believe it or he’d lose all hope.

Adam was devastated. He couldn’t agree for a moment that Sauli going home was anything but a huge mistake, a rift in the universe. He wasn’t good for Sauli now. He was clinging, and he knew it. Sauli was trying to make the best of things, and Adam only brought him down. Besides, Adam’s parents had apparently sided with the Koskinens that there was a bright side to this apocalypse, and Sauli had become their victim of jovial assimilation. Everything they did was as a family. They would try to include Adam by asking him over again when his audition was, had he called Tommy back about finding an apartment, had he decided whether to usher for his cousin’s wedding next month because it was all so incredibly fucking important to them apparently. 

Sauli seemed in good spirits, and it made Adam all the moodier. Only Neil drew attention to him every so often calling him chuckles with sarcasm and a hint of threat. Every time Leila mentioned what they would do when Sauli came to visit, Adam died a little inside. Nobody does that. Nobody goes back to visit. The only other foreign exchange student Adam had gotten to know well was a Korean girl that hung out with Dani their sophomore year. She was fun and pretty, very popular. She was going to come back for ‘a visit’ too until she got home twelve pounds heavier than when she’d left. Her parents were so mortified, they put her in a fat farm all that summer for twelve fuckin’ lousy pounds. She and Dani kept in touch, but she enrolled in college at home and met someone. She wasn’t going to come back, not now . . . not ever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sauli came to Adam’s room one night. He was emotional and needed a cuddle. Adam was tense and needed to get off. They managed a kind of sloppy grope like a handjob in a movie theater. Adam wanted Sauli to sleep with him afterward since they weren’t a secret anymore, but even he was a little relieved when Sauli said they should get some rest without wrestling over the wet spot. They continued to sleep alone, and Adam became a clock watcher as if he were awaiting a stay of execution. He wasn’t sure whose script he was following where denial was still on the table, but eleventh hour miracles made for great entertainment. The whole fate thing was on their side. Happy endings happen, right? 

The last week passed, and Adam lost ground. He had given Sauli space, but it backfired. Sauli stayed willingly away. Adam felt bitter about letting Sauli down, and he was angry at Sauli for allowing it. He was angry at himself for lacking the ability to wizard up a white horse plan. He was angry at his parents for being normal mortal beings with practical goals and limited budgets. He was angry at Neil for becoming the fucking master class of brothers all of a sudden, for Sauli but not for him. And finally he was angry at Tommy who had called when it was all going to shit and made him seriously consider a perfectly sensible escape plan which involved the Jurassic van, gas money, and a guitar . . . gone, without fucking looking back. 

Meanwhile, the Lamberts were vying for a spot on the Hallmark Hall of Fame, torturing Adam with outings. It became apparent that Adam had inadvertently stepped into primetime TV, some series that Sauli made him watch on the Family Channel when he was trying to learn the language better. Tonight, Leila and Eber take their three sons out for dinner, how fuckin’ wonderful was that? Only Sauli wasn’t their son, and Adam wasn’t his brother, and goddammit, they couldn’t just sit there and pretend otherwise, especially Sauli. How could Sauli pretend? Shortly after the salad and soup, Adam lost his appetite entirely. What if? What if Sauli wasn’t pretending? What if all along, it really was what he had feared, just an affair of convenience, a distraction that turned into an opportunity to become a citizen? Adam hated himself for even considering it, but what if it was true? Either way, Adam playing the role of stupid asshole seemed well cast. Bravo, Adam! What a spectacular performance.

In the days that followed, Adam embarked on a quest to redeem himself. He was a bigger man than this. Whatever happened, he could handle it. How bad could it get? They went back to Disneyland because Sauli wanted to . . . the happiest place on earth, awesome. He bought souvenirs for his new nephew, born to his eldest sister during his absence. Sauli couldn’t wait to meet him, another boy in a sea of sisters, terrific. Hell, he’d be a playmate! Sauli wasn’t much more than a kid himself. He rode in the front. He gorged on cotton candy. He fucking lit up from within over spontaneous parades. When Sauil got his picture taken with Disney characters, complete strangers snapped their own copies because just look at him. He was a goddamn advertisement for soft drinks and potato chips, and it stopped being anything even close to amusing. In a couple days, Sauli would get on a plane, and Adam would never see him again, and everyone including Sauli seemed to be okay with that, and how in the hell could they all be laughing at some stupid street puppet like Adam’s life wasn’t about to end. It was so fucking crowded, carnival-level chaos on their way out of the park. Adam kept bumping into people as they wandered through another gift shop. Everything was fake, not just the plastic and cheap glass but the messages, too. Why did they fill kids’ heads with all this bullshit magic and fairy tales? When Leila wound a music box, it played ‘When You Wish Upon a Star.’ 

“Oh, look, Adam. You had one like this.” Adam couldn’t stand it. He found Eber outside and sat on a bench beside him. The energy of his dad’s even temper was comforting. Eber absentmindedly contemplated for the gazillionth time how much the electric bill must be for Main Street alone. The others made it out just as the fireworks started. Sauli stepped up beside Adam so close that Adam took his hand out of his pocket and put his arm around Sauli’s shoulders. They hadn’t touched more than a casual pat on the back or a peck on the cheek for hours, for ages. Sauli gave Adam’s waist a conciliatory squeeze then gazed at the sky with that peaceful, childlike wonderment he had the very first time they met. It was a full circle moment . . . nothing changed, nothing else. Adam suddenly went numb, and he was so fucking glad for it, he almost laughed aloud. It had been a glorious dream. At least he had that. Adam felt each boom in his chest, the sensation a cold imitation of the thunder his heart had made every time Sauli smiled at him. What a cruel joke his expectations had become . . . his wishes were merely one spiraling launch and pow after another . . . gigantic bursts of color and light that fizzled to nothingness before ever hitting the ground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Sauli’s last day, he called his parents early in the morning to make arrangements for his arrival on the other side of the world. Adam was having a cup of coffee and sharing the paper with his dad, his only real solace lately. He wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping, but when he heard Sauli’s voice rise, he stopped reading. It was Finnish, of course, but Sauli was aggravated. Adam’s ears pricked. Nikko. He held his breath. There it was again, unmistakable . . . Nikko. Adam looked at the clock and a calendar. He folded his paper and his feet. Tomorrow would come and the next day. Thank god it was almost over. 

Leila invited Adam’s friends over for lunch. They had a quiet afternoon together sharing their best memories with Sauli, the center of attention where he belonged. Adam participated, talking and smiling . . . a performance worthy of a supporting actor. Only Dani seemed to see through him. Adam could tell that she was trying to make eye contact, but he offered her only the slightest glances of acknowledgment. He simply couldn’t bear her kindness right now. 

Adam wandered onto the deck. It was time he took a serious inventory of his life. He didn't want to be the kind of man who let his emotions overpower his judgement. He'd be smarter next time . . . next time. Yes, it was fate all right. Adam looked up at the sky to thank the universe it happened now before he destroyed a career over a boy . . . lesson learned. When he heard Neil come out, he realized he had been gone longer than he intended. “What are you doing out here?”

“Just getting some air.”

“They’re going to leave.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll be in, in a minute.”

Neil tried to be more clear. “I think Sauli would like you to be there for him.”

Adam was cold. “Seems like he’s doing just fine to me.”

“Well, he’s not. He’s not like you! This fucking scene you’re making . . . that’s not Sauli’s way. Do you even know him?” Neil came closer so no one inside would overhear. “Adam, you’re a selfish fuck, and if you don’t get your head out of your ass and help Sauli say goodbye, I will never forgive you.”

A car door shut out front, and the engine idled down the drive. “They’re already gone.”

Neil shook his head, hopelessly. “That wasn’t what I meant.”

Sauli came out to join them. His eyes were glittering, but he managed to smile all the same. “There you are.”

Adam had been a lousy host, and he knew it. “Did they leave?”

Neil glowered at Adam, and Sauli glanced between the two of them realizing he’d interrupted something. His gentle inflection didn’t alter between messages. “Yes, but Dani said she would call you tomorrow, and Tommy told you to go fuck yourself.”

Neil cackled, but there was no mirth in it. “Amen! I’m going to go help Mom clean up.”

Sauli stayed on the deck with Adam. They had to talk. Sauli took a deep cleansing breath and let the sun shine on his face. “I will miss California very much.”

“Guess you’ll be breathing the fresh mountain air in Helsinki soon enough.”

“There are no mountains in Finland, Adam. Some very big rocks, though. And snow, my god, the snow is . . . ridiculous.”

“It’s a good thing you don’t write travel guides. I’m not much of a fan of your homeland anyway.”

“You don’t hate Finland, do you?”

“No, not really. It’s just everyone there gets to be near you.”

“So you hate the Finnish people, then.”

“Not all of them . . . just one.”

“Just one?” Sauli pressed his lips together scornfully. “You think going to back to Finland means I’m going back to Nikko?” 

Adam shrugged childishly. “Are you?”

Sauli’s temper flared. “Why would I go back to Helsinki for Nikko? My god, he’s been here the whole time. I can’t get away from him because you will not let it go.”

“Me?! I won’t let it go? You’re the one who’s still back there. I heard you on the phone with your parents. I heard you say his name.”

“They told me he had been asking around our neighborhood about me. That’s all.”

“That’s all?! My god, Sauli, if he feels even a fraction of the way I do . . . Why don’t you hate him?”

“It’s my history, NOT yours! I’m the one who lived it. I’m the one who survived it. Why do you bother to hate him at all?”

Adam’s desperation came spilling out all at once. He spit the words with such force, Sauli took a step backward. “I hate him because your first time he was such a coward, he took you drunk. I hate him because he knew how passionate you are, and he used it to enslave you. I hate him because he messed with you so bad, you still see yourself through his eyes. And, I hate him because deep down, I know that making love to me reminds you of him.”

Sauli gasped as if he’d been slapped, then his eyes narrowed in defiance. “You try it! I dare you. Of all the boys you’re going to fuck the rest of your life, you just try not to think of me.” Sauli turned to run away, but Adam caught him by the arm.

“Sauli, please . . . don’t . . .”

Sauli yanked his arm from Adam’s grasp. “Stop it! Stop blaming me for YOUR hate just because I finally let go of mine. I can never forget that he is why I came here in the first place! If it wasn’t for Nikko, I may never have known what love is.”

“So you WERE in love with him!” 

“No, Adam! Don’t you see? Now I know I wasn’t!” The anguish on Sauli’s face made Adam’s insides turn to water. “Leaving him, I felt sorry for myself, but it was not like this. Leaving him didn’t feel like dying. I love YOU, Adam . . . only you.”

Adam dissolved. “Oh, Sauli! Goddammit, I can’t stand it. I love you so much. I can’t do this!” They held each other tightly as if the Earth might open and swallow them.

Sauli’s gentle confession was muffled by Adam’s deep chest. “I learned a very hard lesson from Nikko, but you . . . you were my teacher.”

“No, I was stupid. I should have known you loved me even though you didn’t say it.”

“I did say it, Adam.” Adam searched his eyes, and Sauli had to look away. “I was too afraid to make you understand me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Rakastan.”

“It means, ‘I love today’. I knew you said it because each day was precious and all we had.”

“No. It translates ‘I love’ but it means ‘I love’ as in ‘the one I love’ . . . my love, Rakastan sinua ‘I love you’ and it is understood.”

Adam just stared at him. “You said that a long time ago, at the beginning . . . when we first . . .”

“I loved you even before that. I’m so sorry . . .”

Adam pressed his lips to Sauli’s unable to bear another word. The tension between them melted away. A glimmer of hope suddenly warmed Adam from within. Their love wasn’t circumstantial but somehow predestined. Dani had been right all along. It was fate. They both fell in love together, at first sight before it made any sense, so maybe they could stay in love apart even after there was no viable reason to believe it could last. Maybe this parting wasn’t the end, just another step toward their destiny.

“I’m sorry I doubted it, Sauli. I should have trusted you.”

Sauli touched Adam’s face. “Trust me now. Let me go.”

There was no point in arguing further. Powers beyond their control compelled Sauli to go home. Adam accepted that, but he had been selfish denying Sauli his emotional freedom. He had been greedy for time as if he could postpone the inevitable by throwing a tantrum at Sauli’s expense. It wasn’t fair for Adam to get to fall apart when Sauli couldn’t.

“Can I take you to the airport tomorrow?”

“One of my favorite memories is the very first time you looked at me when I got off the plane. I want to remember the hello.” 

“It isn’t over, Sauli. This isn’t goodbye because I won’t let it be. Please, I’m asking. Can I please be there?”

“All right . . . but I don’t want to talk about tomorrow anymore. We still have this one last night together.” 

“What do you want to do? Just name it . . . anything.” 

Sauli laced his fingers into Adam’s. “I want to stay right here with you. I want to go for a swim. I want to talk about what we will be doing this time next week when you call me, so it won’t seem so far away. And, I want to make love slow and lazy until I fall asleep in your arms.”  
Adam nodded that he wanted it too. “Done.”

“I almost did it, you know? I was so close.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It would have been so much easier. I just couldn’t go through with it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I almost had you hating me . . . almost.”

Adam didn’t think he had any tears left. “Never.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a few hours, Adam and Sauli had everything. Their love existed in real time without pretense or presumption. I love you. I love you. I love you. They couldn’t say it enough. When they went to bed, Adam put music on. They didn’t need to talk anymore. The lyrics spoke for them while they made love. Adam wanted every song to remind him of this night . . . random notes as Sauli’s eyes . . . certain beats as Saulil’s touch. The very reason the two of them had come together months ago was on their minds once again, the majesty of art at battle with the brutes. Their reverence for grace soaring ever higher in spite of a reckless authority. The only supreme law was this love. Adam’s goal in life needed little alteration because his objective remained the same . . . build a world with Sauli in it. Adam would write and sing not only for his Sauli but for all the Saulis who knew the dark yet chose light. And, Sauli would continue to inspire his Adam and celebrate every Adam who cultivated illumination. This union was a pledge to be something more than themselves, to lay a foundation for growth, a path for deliverance. When one of them seemed to be slipping into sorrow, the other lifted him up with a kiss, a caress. Their hearts made room for so many wordless promises they dared to believe. Their bodies ever the instruments of stimulus responded to pressure and counter pressure until Adam breeched Sauli’s physical boundary and brought them truly together in a harmony of one accord. This intimacy reached a spiritual realm, floating in a temple above earthly roots. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

There were tears of gratitude and genuine affection, all hopeful farewells in lieu of goodbye. They hugged and kissed one another at the door. Leila and Neil bid Sauli a safe trip which meant they wished for him a happy life. Eber offered again to drive them which meant he’d have done anything he could to spare them all this loss. Adam declined. On the way to the airport, they went through a couple neighborhoods Sauli didn’t remember seeing when they had arrived. He looked longingly out the windows, and Adam offered the tour guide version he gave to relatives who came for a visit. Sauli read signs with arrows that for him seemed to indicate ‘COME’ rather than ‘GO’ like they were supposed to. 

The airport itself was constructed for walking and waiting . . . move or sit, but never take a stand. Check your bags, choose your  
distraction, buy your food, then move along because you do not have time to wonder if you’re nearly there yet. People weren’t encouraged to come to full stop until they made their gate. The Departure: a play in five acts began with their arrival and the choice of a seat. The second act included the settling in where Adam bought some snacks and a magazine. They shared. For Act 3, they stared . . . at people, at bluescreens, the tarmac, their feet. They talked a little bit, sincere encouragements that they were fine, that tomorrow would bring a familiar sun. In spite of the proximity of eight other couples, four families with kids, and a dozen or more solo businessmen and students, Adam and Sauli found personal space. Their chairs were joined at the arm as they were joined by the hand. Act 4 was a chore with that long, harder wait always checking the gate. Adam was writing rhymed lyrics in his head now, his brain at a loss for something to do. The distraction of other people’s disarray brought out Adam’s need for order. He wanted to straighten that man’s collar, to tuck the keys about to fall out of that woman’s purse. He tried to zone in. He examined the arrowed creases of Sauli’s pants imagining his knees. He studied the angle of Sauli’s delicate thumb where the flesh seemed to dip as he played with the handle of his carryon. A little girl appeared, full of mischief. All she said, was HI and LOOK OUT before she clambered under Adam’s chair to hide. Her mother apologized, but it made Adam smile. When you’re a child, hiding is the default maneuver. Adam had entertained the idea of playing castaway in the belly of the plane with the baggage. He gave the girl a wink. He understood her perfectly. Act 5 arrived along with a staff of employees at the desk. After the initial bustle of the flight crew, the attendant called for the first set of boarders. It appeared by Sauli’s ticket that he would be 3rd or 4th call to approach. He stood up abruptly, and his eyes went a bit frantic. He’d been so brave, but now he needed Adam more than ever before. Adam pulled Sauli into his arms and held him, surrounded him, absorbed him . . . if only he could. The attendant called the 2nd set. One last kiss, then with every fiber of his being, Adam separated them just at arm’s length still unable to let go yet. The attendant called for the next rows. “Sauli, look at me.” Sauli did. “Now look at my feet.” 

“What? Why?”

“Just do it . . . look.” Sauli did.

“Every step I take from this moment on is one more step back to you. Wherever I go, whatever I do . . . just one more step back to you.”  
Adam took one step away so they were now only holding hands face to face the way the betrothed take their vows. “That’s one.” Sauli couldn’t move. Adam gave his hands a tender squeeze then released him and took another step back. “That’s two.” The attendant called again. Sauli had to board, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Adam. “Three. See? I’m getting closer all the time.” The space between them kept growing step by step until the last call to board. Sauli slowly went to the desk, and Adam froze in place. He watched Sauli clear the gateway and stop. He turned around for one last look, and he was smiling. 

“Adam!”

“Sauli?”

“Ten!” Sauli called.

Adam smiled back and took another step away. “Eleven!”

He heard Sauli say twelve before he disappeared. Adam kept counting. The numbers were all he had left to carry him to his car.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam contemplated the prospect of 10,000 steps a day. When the path got steep and treacherous, his only hope was to fly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you still with me? This isn't the end either.

When Adam got home, he made it clear he didn’t want to talk. He went out to the pool and put on headphones. The afternoon rays beat down upon his skin, but they could not abate the singular chill deep within him. On the brink of summer, Adam’s long winter was only just beginning. Adam failed at dinner and excused himself. He went to his room and stayed. In fact, he stayed a couple days. In an effort to conserve every ounce of energy necessary to keep a breakdown at bay, Adam sought solitude via a semi-stasis state like a hibernating animal. Leila interrupted to report that Sauli’s mother had called to tell them their son had safely returned to Finland but was too tired to come to the phone. Of course he was . . . totally understandable. Dani came over, but Adam refused to see her. Leila checked on him, but each time he barked at her to go away. 

The third day, early morning, it was time to send in the big gun. Tommy knocked but didn’t wait for permission to enter. “Hey, big guy, I’m comin’ in.”

When Tommy opened the door wide, he went straight to the window. He threw back the curtains and let in some air. The light was dazzling. “Goddammit! Just leave me the fuck alone.”

“Can’t do it. I’ve got my orders.” Tommy plopped down at the end of the bed, immovable.

Adam tried to cover his eyes under a bent elbow. “My mom sent you in here.”

“Uh-huh, and my instructions are clear. Try to lure it out the best you can, but if it tries to bite . . . not gonna lie, man, Neil was using the words ‘euthanize it’ very casually downstairs.”

“Thanks for the warning.” Adam rubbed his eyes and slowly sat up. He had two days growth of stubble, birds-nest hair and creases on his cheek. “Whoa, what is that smell?”

“Dude, come on. It’s time you own your own stink. This is pathetic.”

“No, it’s nice. It smells nice.” Adam still made a face as if he were whiffing something putrid. Anything that pleasant was currently an affront to his senses. He leaned toward Tommy. “Jesus, is that you?”

“Yes, my son.”

Adam took a look at him, a real good look. Tommy was in jeans but nice jeans, expensive jeans. He had a white button up shirt and boots. His eyeliner was perfect, gauges subtle . . . sophisticated. His hair was bleached lighter, professionally. Adam was struck with a sense of deep embarrassment and pulled the blanket up to his chest modestly. “Why did you come into my house, into my fucking room looking like this?”

Tommy was smug. “Coz, I’m on my way to work.”

“The hell you say. Tommy Joe Ratliff has a job? What kind of job?”

“Kind of an assistant, I guess. I’m really just a gopher, some yes boy . . .”

“Hey, stop that.” Adam’s voice was gentle. “Don’t do that just to make me feel better. Tell me really what it’s like.”

“You remember that guy Patterson from the Riverside gig?” Adam nodded. “Well, I work for him now. I help him book entertainment for parties and business conferences. I’m on the phone a lot. He took me to lunch the other day with his secretary.” 

“Cool . . . is she cute?”

“Adorable, and she wants me bad. I think she’s probably pushing fifty, but hey . . .”

Adam was almost smiling. “How’s the pay?”

“It’s okay, better than minimum. He . . .” Tommy looked at his lap. “Patterson thinks I have potential.”

“You damn right he does. He better.” Adam was distracted by the glint off Tommy’s bracelet. He touched it with his fingertips. “I like this.”

Tommy held up his wrist for inspection. “It’s new. I had to buy some clothes, but I’ll be able to help my sister with rent next month.”

“You’re staying with your sister?”

“I moved in. It’s closer to work.”

“You two haven’t killed each other?”

“Nah. She spends a couple nights a week at her boyfriend’s place, anyway.”

“I’m really happy for you, Tommy. This . . .” Adam made a circular motion in front of Tommy’s aura. “It all looks really good on you.”

Tommy returned the circles in Adam’s direction. “Well, I wish I could say the same.”

Adam shook his head dismissively. “I just can’t.”

“I mean it would be super hot if you were actually a heroin addict.”

“Thanks.”

“Look, Adam. I’m not sure why your mom called me. It’s not like I have any business giving you advice on anything, let alone something like this. The closest I’ve ever been to getting my heart broken was that summer after 9th grade when me and Sharon Dewitt, you know . . . got acquainted.”

“Sharon Dewitt. I remember her. She set the standard of measure . . .” 

“ . . . for all other knockers everywhere. B cup, C cup, and . . .” 

“Dewitt tits.” He and Adam said it together.

“I wonder whatever happened to her.”

“I don’t even care. When we started school that fall, she was already making Zulu bracelets for Emilio Vargas. That fuckin’ hurt, man.”

“You know Emilio was gay, right?”

“Duh . . . I’m pretty sure Sharon thought I was too. That was her thing. She spent the summer trying to convert me.”

“You can’t rape the willing.”

“I was never very good at playing hard to get.”

“She never tried anything on me.”

“You’re too tall, too competitive. Trust me, Sharon was definitely a top.”

Adam had turned pensive. “I wonder if I scared people away. I feel like I did.” 

“At school? I don’t think so. It wasn’t fear . . . intimidation, maybe. You were sort of untouchable. You cast a pretty big shadow.”

Adam had heard that before. “Sauli said that. He said he didn’t want to get lost in my shadow.”

“I used to feel that way too. I used to be really jealous of you getting all the leads and winning all the awards. I used to think you were the luckiest son-of-a-bitch I knew . . . talent, good looks, popularity. You had the magic touch.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“You’re right! It is bullshit. It’s never been magic at all. You’ve been on top and stayed on top because you want it more, and you work harder than everyone else. You got the leads and awards because you fuckin’ earned it, man. I didn’t understand that before.” 

“I don’t know anymore what I was working so hard for. I was only in competition with myself. None of it really made any sense until Sauli came into my life. Then, I had a reason . . . you know?” Adam winced and rubbed his chest. “I miss him . . . so bad.”

Tommy didn’t know what to say. “Adam, you got a lousy break, but if anyone can turn it around, it’s you.”

“I figured you came in here to bust my balls, so this bedside manner thing has me a little suspicious. Why are you being so nice to me?”

Tommy thought about it. “Because, Sauli going home is the saddest fuckin’ thing I’ve ever heard, and it didn’t even happen to me. You know, not to be morbid, but when somebody dies, you do the grieving thing and then you move on, and . . . shit. Sauli’s still out there, and you both love each other but you can’t be together, and how the hell are you supposed to move on from that? I mean, you aren’t even close to getting over it . . . even if you ever could, you’ve still got a hellava lot of hurting to go.”

Adam stared at Tommy blankly. “Yeah, that’s definitely more like the Tommy I know.” Adam fell back on the bed with the cover over his face and mumbled. “Thanks for the pep talk. I’m sure you can see yourself out.”

“I’m not leaving until you get out of this bed. It’s time to get out there and make something of yourself.”

Adam didn’t budge. “Fuck you . . . that’s your sister talking.”

“No, it was your mom talking. She wanted me to remind you you’ve got an audition.”

“Yeah, it’s later in the week, though.”

“Adam, it IS later in the week. The audition is tomorrow.”

Adam sat up again. “What? Fuck.”

“When’s the last time you sang anything?”

Adam had to think. “Graduation.”

“That’s bad.”

“No shit.”

“What are you going to do about it?” Adam scrambled for an idea. He needed this job, especially now that Tommy had the fuckin’ nerve to go out and get legitimate employment and was no longer available for the Jurassic van getaway. 

“I don’t know. I can’t go in there cold. I’ll look like an idiot.”

Tommy gave Adam a long look. “I have an idea, but if I put my ass on the line, you better come through.”

“What is it?”

“There’s a cabaret joint in Echo Park. They’ve got an open mic show tonight. I could get us in.”

“Really?” Adam had a look that Tommy recognized, that spark of opportunity.

“It isn’t much. We’d get two songs and a third if they like us. Patterson told the owner I was a guitar player. Some of their guest vocalists need accompaniment, so it’d be a sweet side job. He’d pay me . . . you know, to play. I’d be making money as a fuckin’ guitarist, and that . . .”

“I won’t let you down, Tommy.” Adam got a pad of paper, and they went through a quick list of their best acoustic numbers. They chose three. Adam promised to spend the day refreshing his memory on the lyrics. Tommy jotted down the directions to the place. He’d have to meet him there early so they could rehearse in his car. Adam smiled because that’s what starving artists do. They book last minute gigs at a hole in the wall and cross their fingers. It helped that this one was for Tommy. At some point Adam would have to address this recurring theme of being motivated only when it meant doing things for others. When would Adam realize that he deserved to follow his wildest dreams solely for his own pleasure alone? 

When Leila heard Adam showering upstairs, she smiled. When she heard him singing, she cried. Adam spent the day getting ready. He made up his eyes and painted his nails. His hair had grown out a bit and framed his face. It was softer, lying in whisps at his cheeks and temples. When he came downstairs clean and hungry, Leila finally relaxed her shoulders enough to breathe again. She constructed her inquiries carefully, interested not interrogating. Adam wasn’t too bothered to fill her in. In fact, he felt apologetic to have put her through the past two days of worry. Besides, he’d wasted over 48 hours worth of steps he could have been taking on this long journey back to Sauli. Adam had read in Health class that an active human being takes roughly 10,000 steps a day. Adam pondered the enormity of all the zeroes ahead. He planned to call Sauli by the middle of next week, and he wanted to delight him with good news. A lot was riding on that Wicked audition. He couldn’t afford to screw it up. He called Mrs. Cherry for some last minute tips, but her neighbor answered. The Cherry’s were on vacation. Adam had a pretty good record, going with his gut. It was time to test his instincts.

Adam and Tommy killed it at the cabaret. It was a small, intimate club where the audience sat at tables literally inches away from the stage. Adam was in performance mode, aware of his posture and projection, but he allowed himself the freedom to feel the emotion behind the lyrics. After all, Adam had loved and lost but still believed, and every single word he sang rang true. The exchange with the audience was remarkable. The owner had worked them in to go last. They played their two songs, a third, and took two requests. Adam heard familiar praises. ‘Who IS he? Wow what a voice! Amazing! What the hell is he doing HERE?’ Tommy had also made a good impression. The owner introduced him to a couple regulars. He was destined to become a familiar face. 

Patterson had told Tommy he could come in late the next day, but Adam had no such luxury. He had to be on his game early tomorrow. They stayed at the club later than planned, and Adam was exhausted. Unfortunately, he overslept. He had to rush to be at the venue on time. He was the last to arrive, but his name was on the registry as promised. The attendant seemed pinched behind her clipboard. She gave him a number and a chair just the same. Adam hadn’t had time to freshen up exactly. He went to the men’s room hoping he didn’t look hungover. He drug damp fingers through his hair and tucked in his shirt. His eyeliner was smudged, but he liked it that way. Fuck it, he had to be himself. 

Each singer was allowed to perform his own selection first. Adam sang ‘Come Home’ from the cabaret the night before and made the first cut, no problem. When the judges had thinned the crowd, they gave the ones who remained sheet music from the Wicked score. Adam studied the music and waited his turn. He had heard the song before, but a staffer sang the tune, accurate . . . almost antiseptic so the auditioners would know the appropriate inflections within the confines of the script. When it was Adam’s turn, he improvised. He sang the shit out of it, and every other guy in the waiting room looked at his feet. Nobody wanted to follow that. The judges at the table were conversing. One finally parted from the group and gave Adam a shallow smile. 

“You have a marvelous voice.”

“Thank you.”

“We were wondering if you’d like to try again . . . only this time, if you could just sing it as it’s written the way the song is scripted. You understand it has everything to do with the storyline that you perform it a certain way.”

“You want me to sing it the same way as everyone else?”

“Precisely. It works. It’s the best way. That’s how we want it.”

Adam sighed heavily and obliged them. He sang it beautifully, but it felt canned and fake. The judges, on the other hand, brightened in approval. Adam could tell he’d made the call backs just like he knew he would. On his way out, an assistant was sent with some paper work. 

“And, by the way, just a tip if you don’t mind.” Adam couldn’t wait. “When you come back, clean up a bit. No guyliner and nailpolish, right? This isn’t . . .”

Adam interrupted him before he was insulted. “I’m a fuckin’ singer. What’s your problem?” He said it loud enough to notice a reaction from the table. They were frowning. Shut up, Adam, choose your battles. 

“All I’m saying is, it’s important to always play the part, send a clear message.”

“Oh, you’ve made yourself crystal clear. Trust me, I get it.”

He returned Adam’s plastic smile. “Good. You’ll be hearing from us.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It didn’t take long. When Adam got home, they had already called for him to return the following week and read for a speaking part. This time, he was instructed to report directly to the theater. They would be trying out on stage, and Adam knew that would play to his advantage. Once inside, Adam recognized only one other guy from his group had made it through. There were less than ten total who were sitting stage right. It boost Adam’s confidence to have made such a short list. Barely a month out of high school and he was sitting in a room with men who had resumes padded with college degrees and years of experience. Adam had filled out the forms he was given last time and added one of the head shots Mr. Cherry had taken of him. Adam was proud to have a portfolio at all. Tommy was right, he really had worked his ass off, but in comparison to these other men, he was green, and he knew it. Adam couldn’t compete on paper. He’d have to slay them with the voice. The guy who went before Adam was a seasoned baritone with an impressive vibrato. The judges sitting five rows up center were practically orgasmic over him. Adam got nervous. When he approached the mic, sans eyeliner and nail polish as instructed, Adam turned on the charm. He was an actor, so he could do boy next door, no problem. He gave a pretty decent cold read. The actress winked at him encouragingly. Next was the singing portion. Unfortunately, the judges looked at him like they hadn’t seen him before. Maybe without his former rock image, he simply blended in with the rest. Adam’s nerves were approaching panic mode. As Mrs. Cherry had so playfully instructed in the past, Adam let ‘er rip, and the voice soared. The only way he could stand out was to abandon the script and showcase his incredible range. Surely now, individual interpretation was welcome. Surely now, their ears must be numb from the repetition. Adam held nothing back. The last note glided like a feather slowly sweeping downward until it landed in the judges’ laps. They seemed spellbound. Adam scanned the audience. The baritone was smiling smugly, and Adam knew he blew it. He over sang. There was something dismissive in the way they said thank you that was thoroughly nauseating. Adam came down and continued up the aisle. He went to the men’s room. He was shaking. He splashed water on his face and took a long look in the mirror. If they rejected him it wouldn’t be because he failed to act the part on stage. It would be because he failed to act the part off stage. Boy next door. Leading man. For Adam it translated . . . conformist . . . yes man, but better yes than no. Tommy was making it work. He was bridging the gap between artist and employee. So why couldn’t Adam do it too? To make a living at singing had always been Adam’s goal. This was no time to change course. What other option did he have anyway? 

Adam was offered a salaried position in the chorus, with a potential promotion to understudy. It wasn’t what he’d hoped for, but at least he could start pricing apartments now. Everyone in Adam’s life offered congratulations. His father kept praising Adam for his independence and financial stability, but for Adam, his contract read like a prison sentence. Eight shows a week for as long as the production ran, rights to exclusivity, no vacation for the first twelve months. It sounded permanent . . . like an anchor. Musical theater was the part of Adam’s plan that included settling down . . . a full time job and Sauli to come home to, but now Sauli was on the other side of the world. He wouldn’t be able to put enough back in a year to take a trip to Finland. Even if he could visit Sauli by some miracle, how much time would they have? a week, ten days before they had to say another excruciating goodbye? 

When Adam called Sauli, they spent the first few minutes gushing hellos and talking over each other asking about their families. Once they had gotten used to the limits of the connection, Adam went first. He told Sauli about Wicked. Sauli was genuinely happy for him while at the same time a little self-conscious. Sauli’s news paled in comparison. He explained he was working with his father doing construction, but he was planning to take a couple courses at the community college soon. Adam wondered for the umpteenth time if he had made a mistake. He didn’t want his early success to drive a wedge between them. Maybe he should call Fullerton and enroll for fall semester after all. It would take four years to get a degree unless he doubled down on summer sessions, but he wouldn’t be able to make any serious money. Still, if he could stand it, he’d have a better chance to land Broadway and maybe a touring production. Education . . . opportunity . . . money . . . travel . . . Sauli. The endless loop of what ifs created a whirlpool of angst in the pit of Adam’s stomach. Apparently Sauli was lost in thought as well. If they were together, they would have stopped talking by now. Their touch would continue their communication where words were no longer necessary. Adam realized how much of their understanding of each other included eye contact and aura. The silence hit hard. I love you. I miss you. Then tremulous promises to stay positive and keep the faith. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time was not on Adam’s side. He wouldn’t be able to commute once rehearsals were underway. With Eber’s help, Adam found an apartment, but it was a shithole. He got a month by month lease hoping he could find something better once the initial cost of moving didn’t eat up his entire paycheck. He afforded himself only the essentials. He had a cheap cell phone but couldn’t finance a package including international calls. It didn’t matter. The challenge of the time zones made it practically impossible to connect anyway. He and Sauli had to settle for emails, but they were informational and outright dishonest. Both of them appeared to be putting on a brave front. Adam kept telling himself it was only temporary. One day, he’d have more time, more space, more money . . . a way.

Adam got familiar with the neighborhood. He found a whole foods store and a thrift shop with vintage clothes and unique accessories. The owner was a drag queen called Mama that took Adam under her wise and protective wing. She owned a gay club down the street and entertained. He made a few acquaintances, but he was an outsider all the same.

The next few weeks were the hardest. Tommy was busy. Dani was busy. Sauli . . . apparently busy as well. Adam was in the middle of rehearsals when he got invited to a party. He had fun for the first time in forever and had too much to drink. No one seemed to care that Adam was underage. He definitely wasn’t the only one. In Adam’s opinion it was a good thing that most of boys in this troupe were catty. He could flirt without worry of repercussions. It was just a game, and they were no match for his eye fuck. He could bite his lip and trace the rim of his glass leaving them to wonder if there was anything to back up that attitude. One boy was daring enough to step into Adam’s space as if reaching for something behind him. He was close enough to feel Adam’s heat, close enough to feel a rather substantial rock pressing against his fly. The boy gulped and kind of melted. Adam raised a haughty brow and nudged him aside. The ‘can’t touch this’ was clearly implied. Adam decided it was time to keep a safe distance and go sit with the girls. That turned out to be a big mistake.

At first Adam enjoyed their silly gossip and melodic laughter. He noticed one girl wasn’t as bubbly, and soon they were deep in conversation about astrology and relationships. Every musing seemed so much more profound under the influence. They were commiserating on the tragedy of choosing one’s art over a lover. It seemed to Adam that she was going to cry, so he hugged her. She surprised him with a kiss. When you’ve had that much to drink, surprise is kind of a slow motion thing. Before Adam could mutter a hey-wait-a-minute, she was practically in his lap. He had kissed a girl in junior high, and of course Dani had kissed him but not like this. At first he kissed back sort of experimentally marveling at the difference in sensation, but he was too proud to risk a rumor in this gossipy crowd. He was going to make damn well certain his reputation as a good kisser went untarnished. The booze compromised his finesse, but he more than made up for it with masculine prowess. He held the back of her head. His hand seemed too big and clumsy in her hair, but she eagerly leaned into him. Adam continued to go through the motions, but he felt nothing. He was musing as if he were rehearsing a scene from a playbook, acknowledging his senses and reacting, but not personally engaging. He was vaguely aware that she tasted like a strawberry daiquiri. He found the warmth so close to another person comforting, not arousing. This girl was not so aloof. She had begun to moan and rub against his leg. What was he doing? Adam pulled away, but she was reluctant to let him go. Adam took her wrists as gently as possible from around his neck and shook his head. He excused himself to the bathroom down the hall. Thankfully, it was unoccupied. He should leave. He had to pee. He should pee and then leave. Just go, Adam . . . go. He hadn’t even flushed, and she was there. Adam couldn’t cover himself and block the door at the same time. She let herself in. She must have thought his exit to the bathroom was a come on. She let out a sort of whimper when she saw the splendor no longer hidden inside his unfastened pants, and she went for it. If it had been a guy, Adam would have physically intervened. A boy could take a shove or a thump to the head. He’d had to make his ‘no’ painfully clear in the past, but he couldn’t do that now. She was a girl. He wondered for a split second if any man ever in the history of forever had said no to a girl on her knees, but it was too late. Adam felt that familiar clench in his lower back. Her head was bobbing obscenely between his taut thighs. Her lips, already puffy and pink from Adam’s kisses, stretched wide. He looked even bigger in her delicate hand, and he was definitely feeling it now. This was happening.

Adam wasn’t sober enough to drive. He took off walking. The desert-like breeze pushed him along, and he found himself at Mama’s club. The bouncer recognized him and brought Mama to the door. Adam was a little dazzled by her fabulousness. Her lashes were provocatively lush. Her gown was floor length and beaded with sequins. She towered over him in 3 ½ in heels. 

“Well, shit. Baby’s all fucked up. Is it Blondie? What am I sayin’? Of course, it’s Blondie. Come on. Come in.” Adam had confided to Mama about Sauli. She was sympathetic but too cynical to believe any miniature Viking was worthy of this Adonis under her arm. She guided Adam discreetly into her office and eased Adam gently onto the couch. “You been put away wet, baby. You fall off the chastity wagon?”

Adam’s head was swimming by now. He had no filter. “Some girl sucked me off at a party.”

“Oh lawd . . . pussy magnet gonna be a curse all your days, precious.” Suddenly a shirtless waiter appeared out of nowhere with folded linens. “Terrance, tell Raja she’s on next. I’ll be out in a minute.” Mama’s face puckered with concern. She pulled a handkerchief from her bosom and dabbed Adam’s cheeks with it. She hadn’t noticed he was crying before. “Are you gonna be all right?”

“I cheated.” 

“Now don’t go tryin’ to confuse things. You’re just lonely. We all just lonely. Honey, you gotta sober up, and I don’t mean the liquor. Pining away like this is lettin’ all that banjee seep out, you gonna lose your edge.” Mama eased Adam back onto a cool pillow and swung his big booted feet onto the cushion. “You’re drunk, and you need to sleep it off. You’ll feel better come mornin’ I promise.” 

When he woke, Adam wondered where he was. Slowly threadbare remnants of the night before pieced together. Adam blinked several times. There was a man at a desk he didn’t recognize, then it clicked. Mama was often Jonny by day. He looked up from his bills and saw Adam was awake. He shook his head. “Just look atcha . . . some breed of fuckable puppy makin’ me ashamed of myself. All strung out, and still so pretty I wanna cry.”

“Sorry I crashed here.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it. You need a ride home?”

“I just need to get my car. I can walk back.”

“I don’t know. Lemme send Terrance with you.”

“No, please. I don’t want to be any more trouble. I need the bathroom.”

Jonny’s upper lip curled into a knowing smile. “Down the hall to the left.” When Adam crept back into the room, he looked a little green. Jonny handed him a shot glass. 

“What’s this?”

“Hair of the dog, honey.” Adam downed it clean and winced at the burn. Jonny opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of sunglasses. “Here, wear these. It’s a long walk.” 

“I can’t take these, Jonny. They’re designer.” 

Jonny sighed. “Don’t tell me no when I wanna give ya somethin’. Bitch, listen to me. There’s gonna be a lot of times when things get too loud and too bright. Consider these an investment until you learn how to throw some shade of your own. Now git before someone suspends my license for taking advantage of fuckin’ minors in my fuckin’ bar.” 

Adam kissed Jonny on the cheek. “Thanks.”

When Adam stepped out of the club, he was scolded by broad daylight. He’d have to be at rehearsal in a couple hours. As Adam retrieved his car he worried what sort of repercussions this incident would have. From the girls’ gossip, Adam gathered that sex between cast members was not at all uncommon. But, would he have to face embarrassment, hostility, distrust? It wasn’t until he was driving home that he acknowledged once again his betrayal. Adam remembered Sauli admitting how hard it was to go without sex for six months. Wow, pat yourself on the back, Adam, you made it six weeks. He seemed further removed from Sauli than ever before. The cards seemed stacked against them.

Adam had apparently made a big deal out of nothing. According to everyone, that was a common habit of his. Besides a few giggles and blatant glances at his crotch, no one said a word. What happened at cast parties stayed at cast parties . . . lesson learned. Opening night loomed near. Adam was ready. In fact, he could deliver his part in the chorus with his eyes closed. The performances hadn’t even begun, and he was already bored with it.

Adam hadn’t heard from Sauli in a couple weeks. He didn’t know where the time went. When Adam went home for a visit, he called. Sauli actually picked up the phone himself. He seemed surprised, almost distracted as if he was on his way out the door even though he said he wasn’t. He apologized for not writing more often. He explained how business had picked up for the summer season, and how he was taking a class to improve his English. He was managing. Adam felt sorry that a little shared misery would have made him feel better. Sauli sensed the frustration and asked what it was that Adam wanted, but Adam couldn’t think of anything. He didn’t want to cope. He wanted only to hear Sauli’s voice, to hold him in his arms, to smell his skin. But, Sauli was uneasily conversational, a little impatient and maybe even worse . . . polite. They weren’t on the same page. Adam was afraid what he might say out of frustration so he pretended everything was fine. He countered Sauli’s nonchalance by boasting how easily he had adapted to his new home, his new job, his new life. Sauli went quiet. In spite of the silence, Adam was reluctant to hang up. Every good-bye now had a note of finality, but as long as one of them had the courage to call or keep writing, the connection remained . . . right? Unfortunately, Adam frequently imagined his ideal Sauli there with him. He could picture Sauli in the kitchen having coffee with him in the morning. He watched the movies Sauli liked as if he were on the couch, head resting in Adam’s lap. He slept on only one side of the bed as if Sauli were on the other just barely out of reach. The Sauli in his mind was the one in his heart, not this petulant busy boy on the phone. It got harder and harder for Adam to consider Sauli a part of his present. The cold reality couldn’t compete with a warm memory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam’s somber mood turned anxious the closer he got to his first performance in Wicked. It wasn’t stage fright but a deep, foreboding dread. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen when someone’s dreams came true. He sought solace in music and sleep. He’d lost a lot of weight, so much so that his costume had to be altered. Suddenly he bore no resemblance at all to the awkward boy he used to be. He bought some second hand clothes with designer labels and started going out at night. The abandonment he felt as part of the club scene transported him beyond the restrictions of real life. Adam was popular. He developed a rebellious reputation at work, often pissing off the director and putting divas in their place with the most innocent of remarks. People everywhere were drawn to him, and Adam learned how to manipulate a situation to his advantage. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, but if they got in the way, Adam saved himself. Jonny had been right. Longing for Sauli was compromising his energy in the worst way. He couldn’t continue like this and think for himself or do for himself. It wasn’t really a conscious effort on his part, but opportunity knocked, a lot. Adam mingled . . . no more cast mates, but first-name ‘friends’ and strangers. He danced with very pretty boys and made out in corner booths. A couple encounters got as far as heavy petting in his car, but Adam slept alone. The eventual brush off always stung like rejection, but deep down Adam knew he was sending an elusive message. The body was available . . . his heart off limits. 

The guilt stopped crippling him emotionally. He accepted his infidelity the same way he accepted the occasional outbreak of acne, with repugnance and humility. Adam owned his fallacies and trudged on. Steps back to Sauli weren’t all going to be on the high road. What was it . . . 700,000 steps by now? Adam sometimes did the math just to see some modicum of progress. Who would have believed his deepest educational inspiration would come from that damned Health class? 10,000 steps a day if he kept moving. Adam lie awake at night wondering if Sauli counted anymore. Adam missed his own identity as Sauli’s boyfriend. He liked that version of himself, optimistic and soulful. He trailed his fingers up and down the sheet where Sauli would have lain and tried to imagine the curves and hollows of his body. He held his pillows close. He pressed his cheek to the mattress and wadded his blankets beneath him. It was no substitute, but he used to make love to Sauli this way, and it felt so good. The angle and the softness, the heat and friction were almost enough to trick his body of partnership. As he satisfied his appetite, he tried to pleasure his heart in that merciless chasm of excessive solitude.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam was dreaming in a gossamer consciousness between sleep and awake. Sauli was there. He took Adam’s head in his hands and said, ‘Come for me’ just like he had in the hotel. This time it wasn’t a command for orgasmic release. It seemed like a plea for rescue across an ocean and two continents. ‘Come for me.’ Adam sat up, startled awake. Someone was knocking at his door, and the vision of Sauli faded away. He pulled on some sleep pants and stumbled groggily across the living room. He checked the peephole. “Mom?”  
Leila and Neil both carried grocery bags of dry goods into the kitchen. “I’m sorry to just burst in like this, Adam, but you didn’t answer your phone. I’ve been trying to call.”

Adam scratched the back of his head actually having no idea where his phone even was. “Is everything all right? You drove a long way.”  
“Yes, I just thought you could use some food and a few things. I brought some clothes you left at the house.” She looked at him a little worried. “I’m not sure they’re going to fit you, though.”

“It’s okay. Every boy needs a set of fat clothes.”

Leila turned to Neil. “Go put those in Adam’s room.”

Neil had been side-eyeing every corner of the place. It wasn’t particularly tidy. “You know, I think this is as far as I want to go.”

“Shut up. It’s not that bad.” He peered into one of the bags, and it dawned on him what his mom was doing. “What exactly have you done to my room?”

Leila was peeping in cabinets. “Nothing. You can sleep there whenever you come home, but I could use your closet for storage. I boxed up all your personal things.” 

“You were snooping around in my personal things?”

She nudged Neil. “Give him the . . .”

“Oh yeah, there’s a box of condoms in one of these bags.”

Adam was mildly annoyed. “Super. Then where’s my porn? If you found one . . . the other was right there.”

“Adam . . .”

“I don’t know, Ad. Dad probably kept it.”

“Fuck that! Give him the damn condoms and bring me the porn.”

“Adam, stop it.” Leila was blushing. 

“Well, Mom, stop going through my shit!”

“I was just trying to . . .”

“You were just trying to kick my sorry ass out for good.”

“I hope you don’t really feel that way. You look hungry. Let me make you an omelet.” 

“You’re bribing me with home cooking.”

“Is it working?”

“Yes.” Adam took the clothes to his room and threw them on the bed. “You’re probably going to paint my room pink and adopt a girl.”

Neil followed him. “Why would she adopt a girl when she’s got you?”

Adam laughed. He stared at his closet. “I don’t have space for all this.”

Neil spoke louder than necessary so Leila would hear. “Let me help you.” Then he spoke in a whisper to Adam. “I have to talk to you.”

Adam was suspicious. “What is up with you?”

Neil kept his voice low. “Look, I may be way off base here, but . . .”

“But what?” The look on Neil’s face was intense and not at all sarcastic. He had Adam’s attention.

“Do you ever get the feeling like you’re the only person on the planet who’s paying any attention? Like you’re the only one who didn’t drink the koolaid?”

Adam sat down heavily on his bed. “All the time.”

“I’m just going to get right to it.” Neil sat beside him. “When I went to San Francisco over spring break, they made us go to this career expo thing. It’s how the sponsors get to advertise. It probably pays for half the program. There were booths, and they were pushing pamphlets on us . . . having us sign up for mailing lists. I just threw everything in my suitcase and forgot about it.” Adam was hanging on Neil’s every word. It seemed like his brother was about to hand him a lifeline, and he didn’t want it to slip through his fingers. Neil reached into his back pocket and started to unfold a piece of paper. “Mom made me clean out my closet too. The suitcase fell, and all those pamphlets spilled out. This one was on top. I don’t usually believe that kind of thing, but it’s gotta be a sign.” He handed it to Adam.

Adam took the flyer and read it. His hand went to his mouth, and he stared at his brother wide-eyed. He whispered. “I can’t.”

Neil pointed emphatically at the paper. “I know you can.”

Adam swallowed hard. “This is the day after tomorrow! That’s opening night.” 

“I’d say that’s sign number two.”

Adam started shaking his head, and he looked over his shoulder at his pillow. “I dreamed I was with Sauli before you knocked.”

Neil shoved him. “Number fuckin’ three, Adam! How long would it take, a year?”

Adam shook his head. "More like eighteen months, maybe two years. Two years, but only if I . . ."

"You will, Adam. You know you will." 

Adam looked around his room like the walls were dissolving right in front of him. “Neil?”

“Yeah?”

“Help me find my phone.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was only one call to make. “Dani, I need you.”

“You’ve got me, handsome.”

“I’m about to do the craziest thing I have ever, ever, ever done.”

“It’s about fucking time! YAY!”

“The catch is, I can’t do it alone.”

“Baby, I am so IN! Just tell me what I need to do.”

“There’s also another thing. We can’t tell anyone, okay? No one.”

“Oh, Adam . . . you’re so serious. Of course. Of course. This is just us.”

“I love you so much. You don’t even know what it is yet.”

“I just believe in you, and I can hear a passion in your voice that I haven’t heard in such a long time, and I was so afraid for you . . .” Dani’s voice broke.

They continued to talk for over an hour . . . about Adam’s plan, about Sauli, about everything.

“Bring a blanket and coffee money. We’ll have to drive all night.”

Finally, they were set. Adam tapped an envelope against his lips. In his head, he heard his dad say, ‘You’re never going to take the easy path, Adam.’ He looked at Dani, and she nodded encouragingly. He slipped it under the director’s door and didn’t look back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Neil had his instructions. Fake a call from Adam about having the family meet him after the show instead of before. Adam needed time to focus. This wasn’t a school play. Their parents would give him his space. Once they were in the theater, all Neil had to do was shrug like an idiot when Leila and Eber failed to spot Adam on stage. He would reason with them if necessary that there must be a rational explanation, that Adam would clear it up if they just remained calm and enjoyed the show. A letter would be waiting for them at home. Neil hoped Adam would have good news to temper their confusion so he wouldn’t have to take the brunt of their disappointment for the next several years.

Adam and Dani took turns driving all the way to San Francisco. Once they arrived, Adam was intimidated by the overwhelming crowd. The line was impossibly long. His heart sank, but Dani was there to help him press on. Adam went to a desk and filled out some papers. He was given a numbered sticker to put on his shirt. Then, the long wait began. There were literally thousands of people all ages milling about. Finally smaller sets pooled into a large room. The local media was there. A man and a camera approached. The guy with the microphone gave Adam a once over and held out his hand. He introduced himself and wanted to know Adam’s name and where he had come from. He wondered if he could ask Adam a few questions on camera.

“Sure.”

The guy cleared his throat. “Are you ready?”

Adam answered in the affirmative, but the guy was talking to his cameraman. He counted backwards, “Three, two, one . . . We’re here talking to Adam Lambert from San Diego. Tell us, Adam, are you some kind of rock singer?”

Adam immediately assessed the situation as he heard himself speak. No one else in this group wore eyeliner and leather, and no one else had a camera in his face. A little voice inside his head said, ‘Adam, you’re on . . . go.’ He glanced at Dani. Her smile was luminous as she gave him a tentative thumbs up. Adam’s narrative began.

Later, Dani closed her eyes in concentration and pressed her lips to her fists, hopeful like in prayer. After an eternity, she heard a stirring on the other side of the heavy door. The media clustered vying for a good spot. They asked Dani to stand just inside the frame. She allowed herself to be positioned while her heart leapt into her mouth. When Adam stepped through the door, his face seemed transformed by the glaring lights. His features were amazing and brutal in their clarity. Dani gulped, then Adam winked. He pulled a yellow slip of paper from behind his back and twirled Dani around. A faceless voice behind the flashing bulbs asked, “How did it go, Adam?”

Adam held up his highly coveted yellow paper and beamed. “I’m going to Hollywood!”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam was going to go through with it, risk everything for the chance to have everything. If he wasn't the last man standing, he just might have to stand alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter, my friends. You all know what happens next.

Adam’s parents were stunned into silence. It was too late to protest. They knew they had to support Adam now more than ever before. He had managed to bet it all on a single spin of the wheel. What else could they do but hope that luck was on his side?

Adam had signed a gag order with American Idol, so he couldn’t share with anyone outside his immediate family that he’d made the initial cut for Hollywood week. His audition wouldn’t air for several months. Adam had to move back home and make some fast money. Tommy made it happen. Of course, he told Tommy! With Patterson’s help, the two of them played a dizzying number of gigs over the summer and into the fall. It was small time, but Adam continued to make contacts that could be helpful later.

Adam explained to Sauli that he had quit his job with Wicked and that he was trying to cut a break singing popular music. He almost told Sauli about American Idol, but it never felt right. He honestly couldn’t be sure Sauli wouldn’t say something to his parents or his twin sister. He simply couldn’t risk it. He hoped Sauli would understand when the time came that he was doing it for them.

Sauli worked for his father all summer and continued to take classes at the community college. He was proud to tell Adam that he’d gotten a small modeling job. The chamber of commerce of Helsinki used his picture in their brochures to attract tourism. They had a laugh over that given that Adam said he’d be a terrible ambassador for the frozen tundra . . . too sunny. Maybe that was the point. 

Every time they talked or wrote, they shared how well their lives were going . . . Adam’s life and Sauli’s life, and they were distinctly separate, isolated paths. They talked less and less about plans to get back together, then they talked less and less, period. It became evident to Adam that even if he told Sauli he was going to compete in the most-watched talent contest in the world, he could make him no promises that it would come to anything. Sauli was building a successful life without him. How could he be so selfish to make him wait for a long shot at best? If he did well on Idol, he might . . . MIGHT get a recording contract and make enough money to visit Finland in a couple years, but all he could believe was that he’d see Sauli again. Nothing else was guaranteed. Adam feared that their lives might not have been meant to continue on a path together. Maybe Sauli was merely the inspiration for Adam to follow his dream but not bring it to fulfillment. Nothing seemed as clear to Adam as it did when Sauli was in his arms. The uncertainty impaired his vision. He’d have to push on blindly, by instinct alone. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tommy came over during the holidays. They needed to talk. Adam had turned down the last few gigs Tommy offered. The final preparations for Idol were underway, and Tommy sensed it was time for a heart to heart. They sat outdoors on the deck and shared a joint for old times’ sake. 

“So I guess we made it, huh?”

Adam felt it was way too early for him to celebrate. In fact he spent a lot of energy every waking hour suppressing a full on panic attack. “Speak for yourself.”

“I just meant, I didn’t end up with a flat top and a rifle, and you didn’t end up . . . you know.”

Adam didn’t know. “No, go ahead. Finish what you were going to say.”

“Nevermind Adam, I’m just shootin’ the shit.”

“Tommy, in two weeks, I could be right back here again . . . unemployed and living with my parents. Or, maybe I work my ass off only to get voted off before the top 10, then no summer tour! no nothing! Bye bye, thanks for playing.”

Tommy took a long toke and blew it slowly out. He calmly offered the blunt to Adam unaffected by his rant. “Not bad. You almost convinced me to feel sorry for you.”

Adam brushed Tommy’s hand away wishing he had something stronger. “Fuck off.”

“Look, if you want to lose . . . you will.”

“Truly, your wisdom is dizzying.”

“Hey, I didn’t come over here to take your shit. If I wanted the abuse, I’d have stayed home with my sister.”

“I’m scared, Tommy.”

“Scared you’re gonna lose or scared you’re gonna win?”

“Only one wins. Either way, I’m in this alone. I don’t know how my parents are going to react. This isn’t what they wanted for me, so I’m kind of screwed no matter what.”

“Alone? What the fuck? Who’s still here? No matter what crazy ass shit you pull, who’s still sittin’ right here? And Dani would be too, if she wasn’t at college.”

“You know what I mean. I know you’ll still be there, but the failure is mine alone.”

“Adam . . . you’re doin’ this all wrong.” Tommy flicked off the ash, spit on the end, and put the roach in his pocket. “Most people put up with all their problems and daydream about the bright side, hoping that maybe just maybe something good will come their way. You have an opportunity that almost nobody ever gets, and you’re sitting here daydreaming scary shit that hasn’t even happened yet!”

“It’s easier to believe the shit. The good stuff doesn’t seem real.”

“I’ll tell you what’s real. You’re going to sing on TV in front of millions of people all over the world. They’re going to see your face and know your name and lose their shit over you. That’s the real part, Adam. All the rest you’re scared of is just your imagination.”

“What if I let everybody down?” 

“You keep talking about disappointing your parents or losing Sauli . . . or whatever. Stop doing it for them! There isn’t anything you can give them that’s worth more than your own fuckin’ happiness. So get fuckin’ happy for fuck’s sake!” 

Adam had to smile when Tommy got worked up like this. “You're so cute when you're angry.”

Tommy flipped him off and eased back into a deck chair. “You just don’t see how stupid you’re being.”

“I feel like I’m risking everything, like I could lose . . . everything.”

“That’s impossible. You can’t lose me, even if you tried. I’ve got a good thing with Patterson. I’m good at my job, but . . . just give me a reason, just give me the word, and . . .”

“I’m going to hold you to it. No matter what happens, I’m going to need a friend to help me stay grounded.”

Tommy smiled. “Nobody is better at keeping you grounded than I am, . . . crybaby.”

“Pushover.”

“Did you pack yet?”

“What’s to pack? Mom keeps giving all my clothes to charity.”

“I suppose if you look homeless, you might get the sympathy vote.”

“Can’t hurt.”

“Only your pride, man.”

“Pride? What pride?” Adam laughed. “I’m going to be a contestant on a game show.”

Tommy started singing. “Ain’t too proud to beh-ehg, sweet darlin’ . . .” 

Adam joined in. “Please don’t leave me, gir-irl. Don’t you go.” 

“Hey, maybe they’ll have Motown week!”

“One can only hope. My luck, I’ll get country!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam received a letter from Sauli when he saw him on TV. The first paragraph of it was congratulations, the rest a lengthy and practical good-bye. He had promised he would never get in the way of Adam’s career. He made very good points in his argument including the fact that attempting to maintain a long distance relationship would compromise Adam’s competitive edge. He also admitted it would be unrealistic in his private life. Without admitting his own probable indiscretions, Sauli felt that his love for Adam meant he wanted him to love again. He explained that he too needed to move on, to find his own way without feeling tethered to a distant dream. He didn’t want Adam to continue to make choices for two. 

Adam didn’t cry. He expected it. So many clues he had tried to ignore the past five months pointed directly to this outcome. When Sauli told Adam their last night together that he had to trust him enough to let him go, Adam had agreed. Fine, Sauli would get his way, but this letter only fueled Adam’s motivation to claim Sauli all over again. Maybe that made him a control freak . . . so be it. Adam had sacrificed every shred of security he had ever known only to fight his way back to Sauli. Now that he was committed to an act of desperation, Sauli dumped him. Adam mailed the letter back. He scrawled across the typeface in permanent marker, “1,175,343 steps and counting.” It was a rough estimate made somewhat random by his anger, but he knew his point would be clear. He muttered under his breath when he dropped the envelope at the post office. “I’m not ever giving up, you little shit.” After that, Adam focused on his career alone.

Everyone who ended up on Idol had a reason to be there beyond the self-satisfaction of achievement. The contestants had something to prove, someone to please . . . a driving force that propelled them forward when it got hard, when just wanting it wasn’t enough. For Adam, it was Sauli. Even if Sauli was truly over it, Adam knew he never would be. Every song Adam sang was a testament to love won and lost but alive and ever-present. He imagined with absolute clarity what it would be like when he and Sauli met again. Adam would have that moment. No matter what it took to get there or what happened two seconds later, Adam would once again set his eyes on his true love. Somehow, it was enough. Week after week, Adam made it through to the next round.

Not quite a year after Sauli left Adam’s arms and boarded a plane, Adam finished runner up on American Idol with a recording contract and an army of fans. He had played the game better than anyone had ever been able to play it before. His impression on the producers and staff of the show was even more significant that the impact he had on the mainstream audience. Everyone was hesitant to admit that the entire objective of the show, to discover an international pop star, had been accomplished. They knew all season’s after Adam would be irrelevant. Their only hope was to continue to make enough money on future finalists to keep the brand in business. The original goal of the show’s creators had been achieved. The fact that the American public voted more for the other guy was merely evidence of the power of corporate sponsorship . . . play it safe for a quick buck, an investment as long as the attention span of the common viewer. Adam’s label and management team were already planning his career after the obligatory Idol responsibilities had been met. Right now, Adam was contractually bound to the show. They needed his face, his voice, his charisma to smooth over the glaring injustice that America got it wrong.

During the family reception at the finale, Leila found herself alone with a watery drink in her hand and no place to put it. For the moment, she was thankful for a prop. At least holding a glass was something to do. Leila had lost and found Adam half a dozen times that night. She was reminded how when Adam was little, he twirled toward her and away again on an amusement park ride. She couldn’t stand those dizzy things, but Adam seemed to like the sensation of spinning out of control. One moment he would be inches from her grasp. He’d wave and the machine would pull him back in and set off in another direction. She would try to keep track of which pod he occupied, but inevitably, she would lose sight of her son until he flashed back into her view one random turn after another. Leila would simply wait as long as it took until the ride was over. American Idol had been Adam’s latest ride.

Leila had wished for Adam the title American Idol because it would have given him a definitive moment of acceptance and arrival. He would never admit that it mattered what anyone thought, but an extreme strength like Adam’s created an equally extreme weakness at the opposite end. Adam skidded at breakneck speed from one end of his spectrum to the other. The high end: I’m better than this competition. The low end: I need this competition. She was hoping a win might allow Adam to meet himself in the middle: I won this competition, satisfied at last. Maybe he had won in his own way. 

Leila found Adam again by following the sound of people urgently calling his name. This was Adam’s party. Nothing about his smile or his posture indicated loss. She was proud of him, but she suppressed it. Pride has elements of ownership. Denying that she owned him was the only decision that saved her when he quit his job on opening night and truly frightened her for the very first time. Once she let go, Adam hungered, and soared, and crashed, and learned. He survived all of it and grew strong. When she finally realized the depth of Adam’s talent, Leila knew he would always be driven by forces outside her control. The man he became was not of her doing but of her allowing. Adam was a butterfly garden. She had scattered the seeds but couldn’t take credit for the right combination of sun and rain. She was fulfilled to simply witness so many others taking the opportunity to admire him and share the awe. Adam strode confidently toward her and hugged. Someone took the drink out her hand so she could hug back.

Eber and Neil entered the frame. Leila couldn’t remember a time when the four of them were this close and this happy all at the same time. There were flashbulbs and chatter. It was all very Hollywood, but Leila didn’t mind. It was her pleasure to help Adam illustrate his story. On this side of the media, Leila could see from Adam’s perspective. The people behind those lenses and microphones were hungry to capture Adam’s image and his words. She hoped that Adam kept back enough of himself to sustain his drive to perform and his desire to give. There were other appetites outside the music industry that seemed equally needy for Adam’s nourishment. In spite of this never ending media buffet, Adam’s plate seemed full. She wondered when the rest of the world had fallen to famine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Over the next several months, Adam met the nonstop attention with trepidation. He’d had a brief affair that ended as soon as Adam realized it was only the fame that drew the man in. He loved the attention and that was all. It was enough to shake Adam’s confidence. He tried to keep his personal life separate, but constant interrogation and scrutiny made his orientation both a scandal and a novelty exactly the way the bullying incident had been so long ago that ultimately taught him his most valuable lesson to date . . . choose your battles. Adam’s truth was enough to put the producers and record label on fast forward before Adam became a statistic. He put his first album together in two months while traveling the Idol tour. Late that fall, Adam held his breath until his debut attempt sold enough copies to warrant a tour of his own. Adam asked only one favor. He wanted the opportunity to choose the guitarist, someone he knew from before, someone he could trust. Adam wasn’t used to hearing, yes. 

“You want me to bring the van?” Tommy was only half joking.

Adam laughed heartily. “No, no . . . we’ll have our own buses. Fuckin’ tagalong.”

“Fuckin’ . . . superstar, god damn!”

“Hey, that’s not fair, you’re supposed to insult me.”

“I got nothin’ brother. You just took the piss clean outta me!”

“You’ll have to audition, but I get the final say.”

“I have to tell Patterson.”

“Is he going to be mad?”

Tommy thought for a second. “Nah . . . I think he’ll be glad for me.”

“Thanks, Tommy.”

“What are you thanking me for?”

“I know what you’re giving up for me.”

“Adam, if it wasn’t for you, I’d spend the rest of my life on Plan B wondering what could have been.”

“I promise I’ll work my ass off, Tommy. I won’t let you down.”

“Hey, who’s doing the auditioning . . . me or you? Cut it out, will you? I’m getting a sugar high.”

“Okay, okay . . . so what are you going to play? Eddie Van Halen? Les Paul?”

“I thought I’d play stuff off your album. I already know it by heart.” For the first time in a very long time, Adam didn’t know what to say.

Adam’s management was cautious booking only small venues across the US, but when the shows sold out night after night, talks on a worldwide scope were laid on the table. No other finalist from the Idol stage had ever toured internationally on a first release. It was a gamble but one they were willing to take. 

Adam went to a meeting when they wanted to discuss Europe. It was more a matter of semantics than geography as they scheduled as many realistic dates as possible in cities where Idol was telecast. The meeting was long, and Adam had taken to doodling on the napkin under his soda glass. At first, Adam wasn’t sure he heard it. Then he focused hard on the conversation. “I don’t know. Helsinki ratings haven’t been the strongest.” Adam cleared his throat, and the table of executives looked his way. “Adam, what do you think?”

“I’ve always wanted to see Helsinki. My dad’s folks are Norwegian, and . . . I guess I like that whole Viking thing.” They just stared at him. “We had a foreign exchange student from Helsinki.”

“You won’t have time to visit with anyone, Adam.”

“No, but I could maybe just invite him to the show. You know, a complementary ticket just to say hi.”

The truth was, no recording artist they had ever signed had asked so little in exchange for working so hard. “Okay, so Helsinki before or after Oslo? We’re already looking at November.” They went back to their papers and calendars. Adam excused himself and went to a window in the lobby to get a good signal to call Tommy. He answered groggily.

“Tommy?”

“Oh hey, what time is it?”

“Almost lunch you lazy ass.”

“Slave driver.”

“Sloth.”

“I’m taking you to the john with me, so speak up.”

“I have news.”

“So spill it . . .”

“We’re going to Helsinki.” Adam could hear a break in the steady stream of Tommy relieving himself in the toilet.

“Fuck . . . we are?”

“Yes. Helsinki in November.” Adam started to shake. He had kept this revelation at a distance still too afraid to believe he wasn’t dreaming. Tommy’s reaction made it real.

“Adam . . . you did it!” There was a pause as Tommy cleared this throat. His voice was softer then. “Wow . . . man, you really did it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The European leg of the tour was especially brutal. Adam was exhausted. So much had happened, he was afraid seeing Sauli would be anti-climactic for both of them. He tried to call Sauli, but when his mother answered, she was only able to explain in limited English that Sauli didn’t live there anymore. She didn’t seem surprised that Adam had called and gave him Sauli’s number. There was no answer. It went immediately to voicemail. It was a generic leave a message, unpersonalized in Finnish. Adam didn’t want to leave a message. He had to see Sauli face to face. Maybe he could ask around once he got there. How big could Helsinki be anyway? He could always go to the Chamber of Commerce for a brochure and ask people if they knew the boy in the picture.

Adam had an interview with the Finnish media before the show. When it was over, he continued a rather pleasant conversation with the interviewer. He really wanted to use his time to look for Sauli, but he needed European exposure. This woman, Katri, was pretty and pleasant. Her show was popular with a young, music buying audience. Katri had questions for him about Los Angeles. Adam was homesick, so he didn’t mind sharing.

“Have you ever been to California before?”

“No. I have been to New York City, but that is all. I liked it.”

“Well, things are a lot different on the West Coast. You know, we have a bit of a Scandinavian population around Hollywood.”

“I know, but it must be a bit of a climate shock, I’d say – and a totally different culture. We are so casual here, so relaxed . . . Hollywood sounds intimidating, although, my cohost would disagree with me.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you had a cohost. I’m sorry I haven’t had an opportunity to watch your show. If she’s anything like you, I’m sure she’d fit in quite well.”

“You mean, ‘he’ . . . my cohost is a man . . . Sauli.” Adam stopped breathing. “He usually does the international interviews, not me. His English is better than mine. He loves California so much because he was an exchange student a couple years ago. He said he left so many things undone that he had to go back. And, my goodness, when that boy sets his mind, aye yi yi.”

Adam’s heart was pounding. “Stubborn, is he?”

“Yes, and ambitious! He said to me that when you want something badly, you must go for it. He said that only a part of one’s story was written in the stars, that you had to help it along to get what you want.” Katri was smiling. “That’s Sauli. He always talks like he’s in love.” Adam was in stone-faced shock. “Did I say something to upset you?”

“No.” Adam regained his composure. “He reminds me of someone I used to know. It’s true. Love can be an incredible motivator.”

“Well, Sauli is motivated all right. He used to be a model, you see, but not happy with that. He’s very good looking, but people, including me, underestimate him at first. The network hired Sauli because they were trying to increase our teen demographic.”

“Did it work?”

“Oh, did it?! Yes. As soon as the producers saw what an asset Sauli was they were suddenly interested in what he had to say. This pretty model had a lot of ideas, of course.” Katri giggled. She was caught up in her memory and was unaware of the melancholy in Adam’s eyes. Sauli had to have known that Katri was doing this interview, and he stayed away. It would have been the perfect opportunity for them to reunite, but he had obviously declined his regular assignment because he wanted to avoid Adam. Adam’s temples throbbed. All of it . . . every moment over the last two years carefully orchestrated for a chance encounter that Sauli, apparently, didn’t want to happen. Katri was still talking, and something she said caught Adam’s attention. “So, Sauli explained to them they were missing an opportunity to report Hollywood news. You see, American celebrities are very highly regarded here, but all the news we get is late. We cannot compete with the internet. Sauli actually convinced them we needed a correspondent in the states. Of course he volunteered for the job since he is fluent in English.”

Adam swallowed even though his mouth was dry. “So, they’re thinking about branching out.”

“Oh, it’s a done deal, as you say. Sauli will be moving to Hollywood after the new year.”

Adam’s head was spinning. “Well, I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet him. We could have talked about LA some more.”

Katri looked a little surprised. “You’ll get to meet him. That’s why I’ve been talking about him so much. He should be here any minute. I didn’t explain it very well. We traded places. This time I did the interview, so he could do the fun part . . . the socializing. I have to get back to the studio to run this tape, but Sauli offered to show you around Helsinki this afternoon before you have to get ready for your concert. I hope you don’t mind. He’s a big fan of your music. I made fun of the model thing, but he’s really very nice.”

Adam’s heart was in his mouth. This couldn’t be happening. He had risen from devastation to elation so fast he feared he might get the bends. “No, of course, I don’t mind.” Katri was looking past him toward the entrance and waving energetically.

“There he is now.”

Adam stood up on unreliable legs. A small, blond man in a fur-lined jacket, mirrored sunglasses and close-cropped goatee glided over. He gave Katri a kiss on the cheek and said something in Finnish that made Katri squee with delight. “Yes, of course, you were right! Well, here he is. You two are going to be neighbors soon!”

Sauli took off his shades and put out his hand. “Hello, I’m Sauli Koskinen.” God, did he wink?

Adam took his hand and held on. “Hi . . . Adam . . . Adam Lambert.”

Katri sensed the chemistry right away. “Oh, well, I’ll just be on my way then. You two enjoy your day. Mr. Lambert, it was a pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise.” 

Adam heard her say something to Sauli in Finnish that sounded very much like a bawdy caution. Sauli shrugged at her innocently but made no promises. At first they simply stared at one another in disbelief and a bit of apprehension.

“It’s been a long time, Adam.”

“So long. I’ve missed you.”

“Me too.”

They hugged, but it was sort of obligatory . . . oddly forced. There were people everywhere.

“Can we go somewhere else? to talk?”

“Yes, come. I know just the place.”

They met a blast of arctic air as soon as they stepped onto the street. Adam wasn’t dressed appropriately for a walk, but he hardly noticed. His teeth were chattering due to nervous energy rather than bitter chill. Sauli led Adam through a park surrounded by apartments, their facades pale blue and as ornate as frosted cakes. Businesses of steel and blond stone floated above the black water like silver and shortbread in a velvet box. Spots of red roofs and red benches bled threw the snow, reminiscent of roses in crystal vases. Adam was transfixed by the landscape, a simple beauty earned by the wisdom and austerity of an old city. He was lagging behind so much that Sauli had to turn back to get him. 

“Come on.” He took Adam’s hand. “It isn’t much further.”

As they made their way toward a local inn, Adam felt they were covering ground of a different kind. The proximity of walking hand in hand brought them back to a familiar place more than words ever could. They had always had that, always communicated so perfectly by touch. It was still there, the connection . . . and could he dare believe it, the affection as well. This city, seemingly fragile but formidable was Sauli himself. Coming to his homeland, Adam felt he understood Sauli better. As they talked over mulled wine, time and distance melted away, but there was no denying something was different. They were more serious, more mature. There were moments when Sauli smiled that Adam caught a glimmer of the boy he used to know, giggling and kissing when they were supposed to be doing homework. Sauli seemed to be getting glimmers of the past as well. He asked Adam about Leila and Eber, about Neil, Tommy and Dani. They made small talk until a silence fell upon them. Their voices were replaced with the clinking of glasses and a crackling fire. Adam stared at his glass. Sauli glanced at his watch.

Adam couldn’t wait any longer. He had to know. “Why did you break up with me in that letter?”

Sauli looked out the window. “I wrote the letter. I had to put words to what I felt. I had to get it out of my heart. It hurt me that you hadn’t said anything about American Idol, that you didn’t trust me.”

“I’m sorry, Sauli. I started to so many times, but . . . I’m sorry. I felt like you’d given up on us . . . on me.”

“I felt that way too. That’s why I wrote the letter, but . . . I didn’t send it.”

“What? I don’t understand.”

“I didn’t send the letter. My sister did. She found it. She read it and mailed it.”

“No.”

“She thought she was doing what I lacked the courage to do. She thought she was helping me. I didn’t know what had happened until I got the letter back from you. I was so angry, Adam. I said the most awful things to her.”

“Oh, Sauli . . .”

Sauli had to continue even though he was so close to tears he could only whisper. “Those big black numbers you wrote across my words . . . I knew. I knew you hadn’t given up.”

“But why didn’t you call me then or write again?”

“I took a chance that my letter had made you want to fight even harder for me, for us. If I said I had changed my mind, you might have changed yours.”

“My god, Sauli, that was an awfully big risk.”

“Why do you think I took media classes and let greedy old men use my picture to sell toothpaste and breakfast cereal? I knew if I could make myself part of your world, I could meet you again whether you wanted me or not.”

“Whether I wanted you or not? You knew I was coming to Helsinki, but you still didn’t call.”

“There was too much to explain. I didn’t want you to say things over the phone to the Sauli you used to know instead of talking to me now, as I am . . . as things are. I’ve made a career for myself.”

“I’m proud of you, Sauli.”

“I’m moving to LA next month.”

“That’s what Katri said.”

“I actually made some Finnish friends online who live in LA. I started a blog, and before I knew it, I had followers here and over there . . . lots of contacts and support.”

“Have you got a place already . . . in LA, I mean? It’s expensive, you know?”

“Yes. I mean no. I know it is expensive, but I don’t have a place yet. Perhaps I can find a roommate.”

“Stay with me. I’ve got plenty of space and a pool. But . . . you know, no pressure. I mean there’s a spare room . . .”

“I didn’t want to presume . . .”

“PRESUME?” Adam lowered his voice, but his frustration was rising. “Sauli, everything . . . all of this is for you! Idol, the album, the tour . . . every step of it to bring you into my life again. Can we? Can we just pick up where we left off?”

“It will be a challenge. We’ll have to be apart sometimes.”

“We made it over two years.”

“It seems like we can endure anything.”

Adam blurted it out. “There were other men.”

“Me too.”

“No one special.”

Sauli smiled. “Me either.”

Suddenly they were very much aware of where they were and where they’d rather be. Adam looked longingly from Sauli’s eyes to Sauli’s lips and back. Their fingers barely touched across the table then laced together all the way to the knuckles. “Will you come to the show?” 

“I can’t.” Adam couldn’t hide his disappointment. “I want to, but I can’t go because my family is having a party for me. Some of our relatives are here and wanted to say goodbye. Once the holidays begin, it’s very hard to schedule such things. I don’t know when I will come back to Helsinki, and they . . . I just wish you could meet them, but it is impossible.”

“You don’t have to explain. I understand.” It hit Adam suddenly how real this was. Sauli was really moving . . . for good . . . to LA . . . to be with him. He also realized that the Sauli he spoke to now was a man of his homeland not a teenager on the run. He wasn’t leaving this time because he had to, but because he wanted to. He had a career. He would make a life for himself in LA, and Adam was there. It was as simple as that. “Can I see you after?”

“Yes. There’s a club called Jenny Woo’s. I will be there later.”

“Then, so will I. I’ve got a show in Oslo. I don’t have much time. We can’t . . . not for long.”

“We’ll have a few hours.” 

“Shit, what time is it? I’ve got sound check.” Sauli motioned for the check. Helsinki was so close to the arctic, the sun was already setting. They left the warmth of the inn and stopped just outside the entrance. Sauli hailed a cab. “Sauli.”

Sauli turned and looked at him . . . really looked for the first time that day deeply into his eyes, and there were a million stories that Adam wanted to hear, a million promises he knew he could keep. He took Sauli’s head in his hands and kissed him. Sauli squeezed Adam’s waist and kissed back. They stood forehead to forehead and breathed deeply the balmy air they made between them. They smiled because they knew. They knew the fire they had banked had never gone out. Slowly, tentatively, they kissed again and the flame was fully rekindled. A sudden desire urged their mouths to open wider, deeper . . . rediscovering the taste and texture of their passion. Adam grasped the front of Sauli’s jacket and pulled him in. Sauli came closer and closer still. Their bodies remembered and responded. The cab honked impatiently. With another soft brush of their lips they parted.

“Go, Adam. Don’t forget . . . Jenny Woo’s. Any cab will know where to take you.”

“I’ll be there.” Adam opened the car door then closed it again. "Sauli?" He went back to Sauli and scooped him into his arms.

“Yes.”

“Rakastan, sinua.”

Sauli was no longer afraid to say it. He would never doubt again. “I love you, too, Adam.” Then he laughed. “Rakastan tänään!”

Adam playfully rolled his eyes. “Now what does THAT mean?”

Sauli beamed. “I love today.”


End file.
